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Fitness Initiative
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the new district-wide fitness initiative. It is currently estimated that about fifteen percent of American children and adolescents are overweight. And research shows that poor nutrition and a lack of physical activity have been proven to cause lower academic success.

While the board recognizes that the schools cannot control what goes on at home regarding healthy nutrition and exercise, the Fuddle River schools are determined to make a positive difference during the school day for our children.

In light of the recent budgets, the board was determined to create a fitness program that would be revenue neutral. And, for the most part, that goal has been realized. The following steps for better fitness and a balanced budget have been approved by the board:

- No outside food or drink will be allowed in school. All students are subject to search as they enter a district building. The ever-hungry preschool students from the district's early childhood program will serve as food-sniffers to screen incoming backpacks.

- All the soda machines will be removed and building drinking fountains will be replaced with new pay-fountains. Building snack vending machines will be removed, but tofu cubes will be available for sale in the schools' commons.

- District buses will be sold and replacement buses without engines and transmissions will be purchased. Students then receive a ride to school that is powered by their classmates. Bus drivers will establish student teams and each student team will take turns pushing the bus to school in the morning and back to their homes in the afternoon.

- Each student will be given thirty federally funded RIF books for their backpacks at the beginning of the year and must carry each book until it is read and a full book report is turned in to a teacher. This will result in improved cardiovascular fitness as well as improving literacy rates.

- School lunches will be served at Doherty's Organic Produce Farm and Orchard. Students will walk the eight miles there and back. Each student will be expected to work in the fields for an hour to earn a free lunch of fresh, organic fruit and vegetables.

- All teachers will use custodial products as hallway passes. Some will issue mops or brooms for hall passes, others will use spray cleaners and rags. This way, students can exercise while cleaning as they move about the building.

The board welcomes public comment on these measures on Tuesday, September 14th from 4:00 to 4:03 P.M. at the middle school.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Back-to-School Pep Fest
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss last week's Fuddle River Back-to-School Pep Fest. The pep fest was held at Lions Park and was attended by at least 2,000 community members.

The community had been encouraged to attend to enjoy food and music and to get fired up for another year of school. The gathering was to be a celebration of education. Parents and students were to hear all about the great programs in our schools, to meet the teachers, and to complete the necessary school paperwork.
The pep fest featured school lunch food served by the high school cafeteria staff. The chicken patties on buns and the Italian dunkers were especially well-received by those in attendance and the county health center is still collecting data and samples to determine the source of the food poisoning outbreak.

School immunizations were provided at the pep fest by area clinics. Contrary to the rumor that is circulating this week, the screaming at the pep fest was from the cheerleader tryouts behind the clinic tent and not from the students receiving their immunization shots inside the tent.

All of Fuddle River's teachers were at the event and several were seen handing out worksheets. The community is reminded that the worksheets are due Tuesday and that late work will receive - at most - half credit.

The school principals shared credit for the increased scores from the recently released school test data and a team of district deflectors handled the blame for the drops in test scores among certain demographic groups.

The middle school band, which had graduated more than half of their members last fall, played several songs for those gathered. Unfortunately, since classes had not yet met and the band had been unable to practice with its new members, they were roundly booed and driven from the stage.

A band led by the high school Brugner brothers kindly offered to fill in and played several songs that were well received before they broke into the Pink Floyd song "Another Brick in the Wall, Part II" that begins with "We don't need no education." A minor riot ensued when the band reached the lyric, "Teachers, leave those kids alone." Most of the Brugner group was arrested in the ensuing running battle with police and the music portion of the pep fest was concluded.

Later, an impromptu spelling bee broke out at the gazebo and several spelling bee parents were also arrested in the melee that followed the disputed spelling of the word "ichthyoid."

Overall, the board has received nothing but negative feedback on the back-to-school pep fest. However, to be fair, the board would like to hear from those who did not get food poisoning, those who did not get back-to-school immunizations, those who did not get cut from the cheerleading squad, those who did not get traumatized by the music, and those who did not get crushed, tear gassed, stunned, or arrested before the board decides the fate of next year's event.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Bring your Inner Child to Work Day
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the district office's celebration last week of "Bring your Inner Child to Work Day."

The idea behind "Bring your Inner Child to Work Day" was to rejuvenate the sometimes boring and staid atmosphere of the district office. The day also promised to provide perspective about the young people whose educations we are helping to facilitate.

There were several memorable highlights to the day. District director of curriculum Thomas Harrison instigated a paper wad fight at a morning meeting that ended with a raucous round of name-calling.

Heather Lemke, administrative assistant to the superintendent, spent most of her day applying make-up and looking in her mirror. She tattled several times and cried about how her hair looked all afternoon.

Technology specialist Phillip Berger engaged buildings and grounds supervisor Hal Breske in a playfight over coffee and both enjoyed themselves until Berger accidentally caught Breske with a hard right hand to the ear. Breske then chased Berger through the building for over twenty minutes until he finally cornered him near the copy room and dropped him with a shot to the abdomen.

Rose Merchant, the district's assistant superintendent in charge of testing and data, spent most of the day writing and passing notes. She was busy penning nasty messages about everyone on the administrative team until she discovered that her assistant had folded the entire set of last year's test score printouts into origami animal shapes. Strong words were exchanged, followed by a threat from Merchant that she would get the assistant after lunch. Her assistant then rallied the janitorial team to her side and the lunchtime confrontation was averted.

Merchant resumed her threats later when she discovered that her purse was being used for a football game in the second floor hallway. She jumped into the game and did manage to recover her purse, but was sent home early with a bad rug burn.

Tom Timken, the director of human resources, spent most of the morning playing with toys he brought from home. He was visibly shaken when, upon returning from a bathroom break, found several of his action figures missing heads and limbs. He ran about the building hurling accusations until lunch, when he discovered most of the missing parts in the lounge refrigerator. He reassembled his toys, but refused to share for the rest of the day.

Henry Polson, director of staff development, spent most of the morning picking his nose, and then wet his pants in the afternoon.

Mindy Richart's lunchtime tantrum was enjoyed by all. She received special kudos for writhing on the floor and repeating the same statement over and over with coordinated foot stomps and dramatic head shakes.

Jeffrey Hodgeson, tired from a morning of saying "I know you are, but what am I?" rallied in the afternoon by singing a number of off-color songs and telling a series of potty jokes.

Richard Chambers skateboarded through the building all morning, and enjoyed an afternoon of quieter play until he got a small Lego piece stuck in his right ear and had to be taken to the local urgent care clinic.

The transportation office staff spent the morning complaining to anyone who would listen that they were bored. The complaining abated in the afternoon when they discovered the play value offered by a bag of rubber bands and a box of paper clips.

An afternoon dodgeball game was marred early by a series of arguments regarding head shots and then seemed to go smoothly until a kicked ball instigated a soccer game and several players dropped out.

A flushed cell phone on the second floor resulted in a round of blaming and tattling that lasted the entire day.

Parent involvement coordinator Patricia Witton spent most of the day making crank calls from her office phone. She missed the end of the day party because, according to her, there were still a few parents she had been unable to reach.

The cake throwing incident at the end of the day party was actually instigated by the superintendent who took offense at someone remarking that he really didn't look like he needed any more cake. Most reported enjoying the cake fight, except for Frances Jordan who was bruised when hit with one of the hard sugar roses from the cake. After a bout of crying, name-calling, and tattling, she reported that she was feeling much better.

The board is now planning a "Bring your Inner Child to Work Day" for staff and faculty for each of the schools.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

The Fuddle River Ferrets
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the recent firing of Gus Handy, the high school football coach. Coach Handy was fired following his thirteenth consecutive losing season. The Fuddle River Ferrets finished the season with a disappointing 2-6 record. There has been an outpouring of support for the popular coach and many former players talked at length about his devotion to developing not just athletes, but whole persons. Coach Handy held regular after-practice tutoring sessions and offered academic enrichment classes in the off-season.

Board member Fred Furnley dominated most of the meeting. "How can we continue to have losing teams year after year?" he asked. "Surely with better coaching, this program can really go places. We need to be a winner. I don't mind Coach Handy's interest in academics, but it's obvious that smarter kids are not helping us win many games. Why can't we be more like Valdosta High School in Georgia? They have a 10,000 seat stadium. They raised close to $500,000 in total revenue last year. Their coach gets a free Dodge truck to drive around town. I want a free Dodge truck to drive around town. Heck, it doesn't even have to be a Dodge. I'd take any free truck."

"Yes, I am concerned about interscholastic athletics taking precedence over student academic performance, Furnley continued. "I'm very concerned about that. I want it to happen. National Merit Scholarships don't get you on ESPN. They don't even get you on ESPN2."

"Think of the corporate sponsorships too," Furnley added. "Do you see paid Nike logo placements on pencils and graphing calculators? No, and you never will. Sports bring in the big bucks and sports should be our focus. I do think that half a million dollars could surely pay for some academic programs, maybe even some tutoring. But, make no mistake about it - our mission should be to build athletic dynasties. Everything else should come after that and everything else should come from that."

At that point, several board members reminded Furnley that the district's mission statement is focused primarily on academic achievement and says nothing about sports. Furnley stood and responded, "Then, either we re-write that awful thing or we remain content getting by on the nickels and dimes the state and federal governments provide. I say we re-write the mission statement and then we go on a mission. First we need a new coach who knows more about winning than tutoring. I have a friend of a friend who knows Steve Spurrier, and I'm willing to make some calls. Who's with me?! Who wants to know how it feels to be a winner?!"

Furnley, holding a large Gatorade cooler over his head, then chased the other members around the board room until some used the emergency exit and the meeting was adjourned due to the lack of a quorum.

The board will continue discussions on the coaching position at the high school at its next meeting.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

New Course Offerings
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. Since the district's schools are now assessed only on the basis of the state math and reading tests, the board last week directed the district curriculum committee to make changes to course offerings to reflect the importance of those two core subjects. The committee presented their work this week on the new course catalog for the middle school.

All science classes will now be called "Applied Math," and the math classes that focus on test preparation will now be called "Unapplied Math."

History will now be called "Reading about History," "Civics" will be called "Reading about Government," and "Economics" will be called "Reading about Math."

"Physical Education" will be changed to "Reading on the Lifecycle," "Computer Applications" will be called "Drill and Kill," and "Graphic Art" will be changed to "Applied Geometry."

"Language Arts" will now be called "Language Art," since it will focus exclusively on literacy.

"Beginning Band" will be renamed "Introduction to Reading Music," and "Concert Choir" will be called "Reading Lyrics."

All German, French, and Spanish courses will be combined into one "Reading in Other Languages" course.

"Latin" will be renamed "Reading in Dead Languages."

The board praised the committee and directed them to begin work on the high school course catalog.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Organizational Restructuring
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the recent - and completely unplanned - organizational restructuring within the district.
The restructuring began with the dissemination of a new district organizational chart. The incorrectly printed chart, which was laid out and printed in the district's graphics and print shop, created a great deal of confusion. Nancy Perkins, the director of the graphics and print shop, claimed that she had been ordered to produce the new chart by a superior she refused to name.

She and her staff subsequently worked overtime last week to put out a new and corrected chart that district employees are now using.
The original chart - the incorrect one - had a number of problems. To start with, the chart was printed upside down. That led to designated subordinates incorrectly labeled as superiors and designated superiors incorrectly labeled as subordinates. True to form, loyal district employees immediately began to follow the new chart.
In just a few days, the first retributive acts occurred.

As a result, a number of employees were fired and many resigned. Those that remained initiated a whole new round of retributions after the corrected chart was published and distributed. This, in turn, resulted in many more firings and resignations.

There were also mistakes made in the erroneous chart's reporting lines. One employee, Nancy Perkins, did not have to report to anyone at all, and the superintendent's chief of staff was to report to every other employee in the district. One employee in human resources was to report to Daniyal Akhmetov, the Prime Minister of Kazakhstan. Another was to report to a man named Otswoletse Moupo in Botswana.

The district superintendent was to report to the custodian in charge of the administration building's second floor, and the head of curriculum and instruction was to report to a newly-hired mail room clerk. Both received scathing job performance reviews in the weeks before the revised and corrected chart was distributed. Unfortunately, the performance reviews - by law - are now part of their permanent records.

The erroneous chart also contained a number of new titles not approved by the board.

The School Superintendent was named "Grand Poobah."

The Director of Technology and Information Systems was renamed "Top Dog of the District Blog"

The Director of Transportation was renamed "Second Floor Suit of the Transportation Route."

The District Coordinator of NCLB was to be named "Chief of Grief."

Parent Involvement Coordinator Betty Patters was renamed "District Mother."

The District Supervisor of Building and Grounds was to be named "Head Honcho of the Big Rancho."

The Director of Communication's title was changed to "The Big Cheese of the District Breeze."

Music Curriculum Specialist Miriam Jonklin was to have the title of "Top Banana of all our Piana."

And, for some reason, data entry clerk Jason Conyers was to go by the title of "Funny Uncle."

Much to the relief of the board, all but one of the original job titles were reinstated on the corrected version of the organizational chart.

Ironically, the one exception was Nancy Perkins, the director of the district's graphics and print shop. She remains "Numera Una the Big Kahuna," and she has promised not to publish any more organizational charts if the board will just let her keep her title. The members agreed, but also requested that she think up some really good titles for them before the next board meeting.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Funding - Again
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss long-range options for the district in light of the failure of the state legislature and Congress to do anything to improve school funding.

Board Member Fred Furnley brought up the multi-billion dollar federal anti-missile program. He reviewed the news of the recently failed $85 million test, the first in nearly two years. The test was just the latest failure for the nation's anti-missile shield program that costs $10 billion a year.

"Now that's big money." Fred Furnley stated. "That's the kind of money we could use around here. I'm tired of eliminating classes, laying off teachers, and putting off repairs. There's a gravy train out there and we have to get on it. I want our district to be part of this Star Wars stuff. I want a piece of this very big pie."

"But we know nothing about missile defense," Helen Flogram interrupted. "How are we supposed to put together a missile defense shield when we can't even offer AP Physics any more?"

"We don't have to know anything about it," Furnley argued. "One test every two years? That's $20 billion before you even fail your first test. We can do this. They punish our whole district when just a few students fail tests. I like to think that there's a way to balance things out - to finally achieve justice for our kids - and to do it by failing a test."

"But how do we become defense contractors?" Flogram asked. "And who will do the work?"

"We know how to get grants," Furnley replied. "Dina Harris is a first rate grant writer. And I just saw a defense RFP online. I say we put her to work writing a proposal. Heck, we can promise pie in the sky. Apparently, it doesn't matter if you can deliver, so it doesn't matter who does the work. If we do a test and fail, we can just do like the defense contractors do - claim it was a huge success for data gathering. After one failed test, we abandon the program and focus on our serious work - education for our students - with real programs, real staffing, and real resources."

"And look, we can use some of that money to convince everyone that we are doing a wonderful job here in Fuddle River," Furnley concluded. "For a couple of hundred thousand dollars, we can hire Armstrong Williams and Rod Paige to tell everyone everywhere what a great district we are."

The board voted unanimously to pursue the federal defense grant and requested that Furnley contact Mr. Williams and Mr. Paige to find out when they can begin work for the district.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

No Name-Calling Week
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board voted this week to observe "No Name-Calling Week" for the first time in all of the district's schools.

"No Name-Calling Week" is an annual week of educational activities aimed at ending name-calling of all kinds and providing schools with the tools and inspiration to launch an on-going dialogue about ways to eliminate bullying in their communities.

"I think it's time that we put a final end to name-calling in Fuddle River Schools," board member Fred Furnley stated. "I think that the kind of name-calling that goes on in our schools is a disgrace. I know I have excused some of it in the past because they are only children, but now I'd like to call for zero tolerance."

"I heartily support the observance of this week in our schools," Board Member Shirley Hannover added. "I sincerely regret the name-calling that has gone on in this body and I'd like to apologize for calling Fred Furnley a fatso. I really just meant to point out that you are morbidly obese."

"And I didn't mean it when I called you an idiot," Furnley responded. "I was, of course, just referring to your stunted mental capacity, and I believe you took it wrong."

"Well, that means a lot coming from you," Hannover replied. "I know I have called you a liar and a cheater in the past, but I really do envy your innate ability to confabulate and your absolute indifference to any and all moral standards."

"Well, I appreciate the energy it took to make such a statement," Furnley offered. "I know that I have referred to you an ugly lazy-butt, but I only meant to assert that you are an aesthetically displeasing sufferer of motivational depression."

"You know, if you weren't so cognitively challenged, I'd come over there and permanently depress your motivation," Hannover shot back.

"You are! Bawk-bawk! Risk averse! Bawk-bawk-bawk! Shirley is risk averse! Shirley is risk averse! Come on, everyone join in�"

School Calendar
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss setting the school calendar for next year. The board has been discussing a proposal to add instructional days to the calendar but has heard loud protests from the community against expanding the school year.

Board member Fred Furnley introduced Carl Dietricks, a Fuddle River seventh-grader. Dietricks, the winner of last month's middle school science fair, has been working on a solution to the school calendar dilemma.

"It's really quite simple," Dietricks offered. "The earth currently orbits the sun at an average distance of 93 million miles. Extending the earth's orbit around the sun would allow for a more flexible school calendar. Currently our year is only 364.25 days long, but if we were to nudge the earth a little farther out in its orbit, we could add substantially to the days available for school in a given year. A Mars year has 668.6 days. We wouldn't have to go that far, but we could easily add over a hundred days if anyone was interested."

"Are you saying we would have to physically move the earth out into a wider orbit around the sun?" Furnley asked.

"That is precisely what I am saying," Dietricks answered.

"Wow! Wouldn't that be something? Now, do you know if it's okay use Title I funds to alter the earth's orbit?

"That's not a science question," Dietricks replied. "That's math. That's school finance math. And that is exactly the kind of math that makes me carsick."

"I'm also concerned," Furnley added, "about what this plan would do to our days."

"The length of our day is another matter. It is a product of the rotation of the earth on its axis. Rotation is related to inertia and the mass and density of our planet."

"Inertia? Mass? This is deep stuff," Furnley complained. "My head's spinning."

"Well, everyone here knows that your spin is related to density," board member Shirley Hannover asserted.

"How would you like to experience orbit?" Furnley replied.

"I would," responded Hannover. "I'd consider being 93 million miles away from you and your ludicrous ideas a blessing. As a matter of fact, you just may be the fifth gas giant in our solar system."

The discussion then deteriorated into a shouting match that, according to Dietricks, hovered in the 110-120 decibel range.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

District Image
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review and discuss the work of the Malarkey and Hokum public relations firm. Both partners of the company were invited to the meeting.

Last month, Malarkey and Hokum was hired to improve the image of the district before the upcoming excess levy referendum.

Malarkey and Hokum's first step was to provide talking points for district personnel to counteract the negative publicity the district has faced since last year's budget cuts included massive teacher layoffs, expanded class sizes, and new furniture for the district office. The talking points were meant to keep district personnel on message about all of the good things going on in the Fuddle River district. Malarkey and Hokum provided the following talking points for district personnel:

After district personnel reported that the talking points only seemed to further estrange and enrage the Fuddle River community, the superintendent ordered all personnel to quit using Malarkey and Hokum's talking points.

Representatives from Malarkey and Hokum then developed a commercial jingle for the district. The jingle was played on paid advertisements on local radio stations to improve the district image. The jingle went like this:

We love you Fuddle River
Oh yes we do
We love you Fuddle River
And we'll be true
When you're not fully-funded
We're blue
Oh Fuddle River
We love you

The jingle, composed and recorded at a cost of over $20,000, played only three times over the airwaves before it was discovered as an apparently unlicensed appropriation of a song from the musical Bye Bye Birdie. The board pulled all of the pre-paid advertisements, but not before the district was sued for copyright infringement.

District attorneys, unaware of the superintendent's earlier order, applied Malarkey and Hokum's talking points and were able to negotiate a $1.5 million settlement of the copyright suit.

Malarkey and Hokum then recommended that the district get into the rubber wristband business. They suggested a bright blue wristband that says, "We're really
not as stupid as we could be." The wristbands were meant to cleverly imply that the Fuddle River Schools were responsible for diminishing the level of stupidity in the local community. The hip wristbands were meant both to improve the image of the district and to raise funds needed to make up for the jingle fiasco. Wristbands sold for $14.95 each. In the three months of the campaign, four wristbands were sold, and the district is now looking to liquidate over $400,000 worth of wristbands.

After reviewing the district's history with the Malarkey and Hokum public relations firm, board member Fred Furnley called on Mr. Malarkey and Mr. Hokum to explain the $150,000 invoice for their services. Both Malarkey and Hokum refused to answer questions and referred all inquiries to their attorney, who also refused to comment. Furnley broke their silence when he called Malarkey and Hokum both liars and frauds. Their attorney, working from a prepared statement, then replied, "We are rubber and you are glue�"

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Board Gratitude
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to express their gratitude to the parents of our fine Fuddle River students.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who ordered the school fundraiser pizzas, paid for them, tried to eat them, and then threw them away. Our students appreciate your never-ending generosity.

The board wants to thank all the parents who completed science fair projects for their children this year.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who visited the 24-hour Office Place Superstore in the wee hours of the morning for school-related supplies and materials.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who volunteered to judge the Middle School FACS Cook-Off and then did not initiate litigation following their hospitalizations.

The board wants to thank all the parents who drove their children to practices and school sporting events in spite of the district's usual pathetic performance in interscholastic sports.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who participated in the schools' site council meetings without heckling or threatening council representatives with school fundraiser pizza.

The board wants to thank all the parents who completed state test-prep homework packets for their children this year.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who - for the time being - have helped to save valuable landfill space by making purchases at the district rummage sale and silent auction.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who made sure their children were ready for the big state tests - especially those who took the time to write crib notes on their children's skin and clothing.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who ordered the school fundraiser cheese and meat trays, paid for them, tried to eat them, and then threw them away. Our students appreciate your never-ending willingness to take risks.

The board wants to thank all of the parents with Caller-ID who actually answered their phones when the school called.

The board wants to thank all the parents who volunteered in Fuddle River classrooms despite this year's head lice epidemic - especially those parents who took home lice that could have ended up on some of our students.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who volunteered to supervise middle school hallways - even at the risk of embarrassing their own children.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who ordered at the spring plant sale and then donated their DOA plants to the district compost bin.

The board wants to thank all of the parents who drove their children to their bus stops during the September to May transportation mix-up.

Finally, the board wants to thank all of the parents who ordered the school fundraiser candy, paid for it, tried to eat it, and then threw it away. Our students appreciate your never-ending gullibility.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Middle School Update
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review the recent work done at the middle school to prepare the building for the start of the school year.

As part of the district plan to save funds over the summer months, it was decided last spring to furlough the custodial and grounds crews at the middle school and shut the building down for the summer. The building was virtually abandoned until last week. The savings were to amount to close to $150,000.
The school district received a call last week from an anxious area resident who reported that she saw a cougar on the roof of the building. Cougars are rare in the Fuddle River area, but have been spotted on occasion. District Buildings and Grounds Supervisor Hank Kempler drove out to the school and, while he did not see the cougar, he did discover that this summer's hot and humid weather - combined with a malfunctioning sprinkler system - had resulted in big problems at the middle school.

Kempler described a jungle of overgrown grass, weeds, vines, and small trees that resembled "something out of the Amazon rainforest." Using a machete, Kempler hacked his way into the building and shut down the sprinkler system. Returning outside the building, Kempler noticed a new swamp and a lake on the north side of the building. He also noticed that the west wall of the building had collapsed due to plant intrusion and the localized failure of the building's foundation.
Kempler also reported that the new wetlands and the flourishing plant growth had apparently attracted a great deal of animals to the area. Geese, ducks, and other waterfowl swam in the new middle school lake that featured a beaver dam and beaver den. And Kempler found signs that animals had entered the building through the west wall. Deer were discovered inside the building and there was evidence of a wolf kill near the first floor restrooms.

Chipmunks, voles, and porcupines were discovered in the computer lab eating the wiring. There was a fox den in the area that previously housed the school's woodshop. Feral pigs were found in the cafeteria, but they were all dead. Kempler assumed it was something they ate. A complete survey of the building turned up raccoons, skunks, badgers, otters, wolverines, and a great blue heron in the principal's office. A herd of wildebeests roamed the third floor hallways. Wildebeests are not native to the Fuddle River area and Kempler is convinced that the animals are the descendents of released family pets.

Animal control officers were called to the school and spent the day passing out trespassing letters to each of the animals. The animals were warned that they would be forcibly removed if they did not vacate the property in 24 hours. Most of the animals left on their own and a few were relocated by the animal control officers.
Working round-the-clock shifts, contractors have already shored up the building's foundation and repaired the building's west wall. And the brush fire accidentally started by their equipment cleared most of the new plant growth away from the building. The smoke damage recovery has also been finished. The $1.3 million work was completed just days before the start of teacher workshops.

As teachers return to the building this week, they are reminded to carefully check their desk drawers, file cabinets, and storage spaces for any stray animals. Fuddle River Animal Control Officer Tim Nelson reminded teachers that large carnivores like cougars and wolves do not like to be surprised. He recommended that teachers make a lot of noise as they walk empty hallways and enter empty rooms.

"When school starts, I'm not worried about the students." Nelson added. "They'll be fine. They'll make enough noise to drive any remaining animals out of the building."

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Humor in Education
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the role of humor in learning and in the classroom. Board member Ethel Beckel, a long-time proponent of the use of humor in education, presented the benefits of humor in learning:

- Humor is healthy. Humor and laughter have a number of positive physical effects. A good laugh can help reduce stress, lower blood pressure, elevate mood, boost the immune system, protect the heart, connect you to others, foster instant relaxation, make you feel good, and - most importantly for the classroom - improve brain functioning.

- Humor can help teachers and students deal with stress. We know that stress blocks learning and that job stress is one of the top reasons why teachers leave the profession.

- Humor helps in communication. It breaks down barriers. And the adrenaline boost that accompanies laughter seems to help fix information in memory.

- Having students write jokes encourages creativity, problem solving, verbal comprehension, reasoning, and higher-level thinking.

"Isn't it obvious that more humor in our classrooms would be beneficial for our students and for our teachers?" Beckel asked. "I want more funny teachers in our schools. And I mean funny-ha-ha, not funny-strange. We already have enough funny-strange teachers."

Beckel proposed more education humor training for teachers and she suggested that the board make a recommendation directing district teachers to involve more humor in their teaching and learning.

"Why a recommendation?" asked board member Fred Furnley. "This should be policy. Look at the evidence you've presented here. Each and every one of our teachers should be teaching with humor, period. It should be district policy that they do so. They should be funny. They should be darn funny, or they should be gone."

Tom Oden, president of the Fuddle River Teachers Association, argued that the idea of mandating humor was not funny and that teachers from the district will not be laughing when they hear about Furnley's policy idea.

"Oh, they will," countered Furnley. "They will, or this board will have the last laugh."

"You know, that reminds me of a joke," replied Oden. "Did I ever tell you the one about the difference between a dimwitted blowhard school board member and the east end of a west-facing horse?"

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Drudgery for All
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the implementation of the new basic skills curriculum, "Drudgery for All." "Drudgery for All," formally approved by the board last week for the elementary school, is a school-based achievement-oriented program for students in grades pre-K through five. Board members Fred Furnley and Edith Beckel addressed the hesitancy of some board members to fully embrace the new program.

According to Furnley, "The program is designed to prevent the development of critical and creative thinking. We don't want any of our students questioning the mindless mechanical drudgery that they must endure to do well on the state tests. The program also aims to prevent the kind of pleasurable learning that makes it difficult to get the kids to do yet another state test practice activity."

"In addition," added board member Edith Beckel, "'Drudgery for All' is teacher-proof. Any idiot could follow the teaching directions in this program. And the lock-step way teachers are to move through the program guarantees that they will be leading carefully scripted drill and practice lessons all day and every day."
"Reading and math are the only two subjects tested," Beckel continued. "So reading and math are all we care about. There will be no time for social studies, no time for science, no time for art or music or physical education, and certainly no time for recess. Even though we know that the social studies, the sciences, and the arts provide the contexts in which students can make sense of reading and math. Even though we know that physical education is important for the health of our children. And even though we know research shows that recess can play an important positive role in the learning, social development, and health of elementary school children."

"But, remember," interrupted Furnley. "We will not focus on what we are taking away from the children. We will instead focus on and celebrate our rising test results. The last thing we want is for parents to start asking what was taken away from their children's educations in order for us to make them better at taking state tests."

"And let's stop pretending that improving state test scores is for the children," added Beckel. "It's not. There is very little value in the real world for test-taking skills. The real world values people who are whole, people with enough understanding of the world to make sense of processes and events, people with the ability to think critically and creatively to solve problems, and intelligent people who can be fascinated by the world and find joy in it. But those are not the kinds of people the Fuddle River Schools will produce. We are all about creating world-class test-takers. Now that, of course, is absurd. And we know that it's absurd. We're educators, for Pete's sake. But most people outside of education don't get it. All they really care about are the latest test scores. So test scores are what we care about. The best way to get the politicians and the public off our backs is to score well on the state tests. So, improving state text scores in not about the kids. It's about us. It's all about the board, the superintendent, and the principals. It's about covering our keisters."

"So we will implement 'Drudgery for All' concluded Furnley. "And we will enforce teacher fidelity to the program. And test scores will improve and then we will all celebrate."

"And let's just hope that no one asks how we did it."

"Or why we did it."

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Mission Statement Revision
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The school board met this week for their regular meeting. Members spent much of the meeting working to finalize their new mission statement. Board member Fred Furnley's spoke at some length about his request to add a short statement to the board's mission statement.

"Look," said Furnley. "The federal government has decided that the best way to measure student learning is through a standardized test. That's insane. We would never define the purpose of schooling to be the passing of multiple choice tests. It's insane."

"Then they hold us accountable for raising standardized test scores so that our teaching becomes nothing more than drill and practice," Furnley continued. "So we do it and it's insane. If we really wanted to improve real learning, drill and practice and rote learning would be the last things we would do. And if we do succeed in improving test scores, it's not a sign that we are doing something right - it's actually a cause for concern. What did we take away from our students' learning to make them better at the state test? No more field trips? No more creative writing? No more social studies in the elementary grades? No more music, no more art, no recess, no physical education, and no more computer time? That's insane."

"And at the same time we are expected to close the 'achievement gap' while the federal government does little to address the 'poverty gap' that is so clearly reflected in our stupid test scores. Insane."

"So," interrupted board member Ethel Beckel. "Are those the words you want to add to our mission statement - 'That's insane?'"

"No, I'm not finished yet," insisted Furnley. "In spite of all of this insanity, we all just go along with it. We want to appear as if we stand for rigor. We want to appear as if we are driven to improve education. But the truth is that we - an elected public school board and a local unit of our state's government - are participating in the destruction and eventual dismantling of public education in this country. And that's insane. And you know why we are doing it? For the money. We need those federal dollars to educate our students."

"And it reminds me of a story," continued Furnley. "This man goes to a psychiatrist and reports that his brother back home believes that he's a chicken. 'That's terrible,' replies the psychiatrist. 'He shouldn't go through his life thinking he's a chicken. It's wrong. It's sad. You should bring him in.' 'We would,' replies the man, 'But we need the eggs.'"

"That's what I want to add to our mission statement," concluded Furnley. "I want to add 'we need the eggs.' It perfectly explains why we are doing the insane things we are doing and I want it in there."

After some discussion, the board voted to add the phrase "we need the eggs" multiple times to the board's mission statement. The board will vote on the finalized version of the mission statement at next week's meeting.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Anti-Bullying Program
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The school board met this week for their regular meeting and took on the bullying problems at the elementary school.
Most of the bullying seems to be concerned with the extortion of school lunch money. The board has investigated a number of anti-bully programs. In fact, representatives from a number of the programs attended last week's meeting and tried to bully the board into investing in their programs. Citing the extravagant costs of the programs, the board instead charged elementary Assistant Principal Andy Hartley with developing a district program to reduce bullying. This week, Hartley presented his program to the board.

Hartley first outlined the costs of his program compared to some of the nationally known programs. He promised that he could reduce the problems at the elementary for half the cost of the Bully-Proofers program and for a third of the cost of the Bully-Go-Bye-Bye program.

"And our program would be much simpler to implement too," stated Hartley. "It would involve no loss of instructional time at all. All we have to do give each of our students lunch money that they can then hand over to the bullies."

"It's deceptively simple," Hartley argued. "But by paying off our bullies, we end up saving the fortune we'd spend for a real anti-bully program."

The board thanked Hartley for his hard work and voted to approve Hartley's program. The board has tentatively titled the new program the "Take-My-Money-And-Don't-Hurt-Me" bully program.

The board also looked into a proposal by Michael Davids, the district's data analyst. Davids reported on recent studies regarding new consumer products.
A New York company sells a polyester shower curtain that has printed on it the top 100 SAT words. Students learn new vocabulary words as they bathe. Other curtains from the same company feature SAT math concepts, English grammar, and multiplication tables. Shower curtains from other companies feature the periodic table, the solar system, metamorphosis, and the water cycle.

"These shower curtains are making a real difference in test results," Davids asserted. The only students who did not show a gain were those who bathed rather infrequently."

"We'd be missing a great opportunity to improve our state test scores if we do not capitalize on this new data!" Jumping up on a table and waving a permanent marker in the air, Davids continued. "I'm seeing a new line of toilet paper and paper towels that improve vocabulary! Facial tissues could help develop number sense! And just think what we could do with scratch paper, lunch bags, napkins, paper cups, hall passes, temporary tattoos, candy wrappers, and even clothing! Buhahahaha!"

At that point, Mr. Davids began writing SAT vocabulary words on board members and he had to be wrestled to the ground and disarmed. The board will consider his proposals at their next meeting.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Supplemental Educational Services
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The school board met this week for their regular meeting and discussed the district's role in NCLB's mandated supplemental educational services, or SES.

Under the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, middle schools must make what is called "adequate yearly progress" in achieving state academic standards based on the state math and language arts tests given in eighth grade. Fuddle River Middle School did not make adequate yearly progress last year, and has been identified by the state as a "Title I School In Need of Improvement." As a "School In Need of Improvement," Fuddle River Middle School must offer eligible middle school students SES. Only those students who qualify for the school's free or reduced price lunch program are eligible to receive SES.

SES programs are provided to eligible students by any educational organization that has been approved by the state department of education. Parents of eligible students must apply at their school to receive SES for their child.

The supplemental services may be offered after school, on weekends at the school, at the provider's center, at a library, or sometimes at a student's home.
The Fuddle River School District has been approved as a SES provider and after-school SES classes are held three times a week at the middle school.
Unfortunately the classes have been poorly attended. It seems that there is a great deal of competition in the Fuddle River area for SES services and the many other area providers are doing a good job at luring away Fuddle River Middle School students. The most successful area SES providers are those who offer bonuses. They include Silver Lining Learning Center, Brainwaves, Esther Krumpley's Basement Basics, and Phil and Bernice Freegley's Yearnin' for Learnin' Shak.

The state allows SES providers to offer sign-up bonuses to students. Silver Lining Learning Center - a collection of folding tables and chairs set up in a vacant storefront on Peach Street - offers Game Boy Micro computer games to those who sign a one-year SES contract. Brainwaves - operating out of a Winnebago camper parked on Lemon Street - offers Nintendo Gamecubes. Esther Krumpley - who holds classes in her basement - offers the new Xbox360, and the Freegley's - who hold their classes in a backyard shed - offer each student a Sony PlayStation 2.

Some board members are frustrated with the district's inability to compete with these private SES providers.

"Sure, we too have tried to bribe students to sign up for our SES classes," board member Fred Furnley began the discussion. "But we only offered healthy snacks and books for them to take home and read. What were we thinking? Lame, lame, lame."

"Well, surely you don't intend that we compete with these fly-by-night operations offering fancy electronics," challenged board member Nancy Perkel. "We are a public school district. We have standards."

"Yeah, the same standards that say we will sell our souls to make AYP and get off the 'Schools In Need of Improvement' list?" asked Furnley. "The same standards that have us training our students to be world-class test-takers instead of solid thinkers and skilled decision-makers?"

"Who are we kidding?" continued Furnley. "We sold out long, long ago. We sold out when we went along with NCLB in the first place. We wanted to sound like we were for rigor. Rigor? Since when do one-day, high-stakes, multiple choice tests represent rigor? We were not stupid though, we just went along to get reelected. And here we are. Well, we might as well continue on down that road now."

"Please, Mr. Furnley!" interrupted Perkel. "People might read these board minutes!"

"Listen to Nervous Nancy here," Furnley answered. "No one ever reads these board minutes. But they sure do read the newspaper when our schools don't make the AYP list. That's all people care about - that and our financial bottom line. And if we don't start pulling in more of this SES work, the financial bottom line will be hurting."

"Let's finally get serious about competing," Furnley concluded. "We need to get out there with fun, non-educational bait to get these kids into our classrooms for SES. Heck - even anti-educational stuff! Mini-DVD players? Huh - how about that?! And then maybe movies too! Some stupid movies! Am I on to something or what?! Who's with me?!"

The board will continue discussions on Furnley's proposal at its next meeting on the 25th. The board is offering free DVDs of "The Dukes of Hazzard" to the first 25 stakeholders to attend.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

More Initiatives
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The school board met this week for their regular meeting and heard two reports on new initiatives in the district.
The board heard from Chester Winton, who is the director of the high school's college prep initiative. The initiative is aimed at transforming high school teaching so that it more closely resembles the kind of teaching students will receive in college.

"For years we've been making teaching interesting and engaging and that has been a big mistake," Winton reported. "Your typical college lecture class is not going to be like that. And when was the last time a university professor told the students the objective of the day's lecture? We do a disservice to our students if we don't prepare them for the kind of haphazard instruction they will face in their college years."

Winton proposes training teachers at the high school to lecture more, to assign more readings as homework, and to give long multiple-choice tests filled with questions on material not covered in class or in the readings. The training is also aimed at eliminating the openness with which many high school teachers work - including identifying the purposes of lessons and units of instruction, telling students how they will assessed and graded, and describing the assessments. The initiative stresses that those pieces of information should not be shared with students. In addition, formative assessment and remediation will be eliminated.
"The post-secondary world is 'sink or swim,' and our kids need to get used to that." Winton argued. "And the sooner they learn it, the better. We hope to eventually expand the program to teachers in the middle and elementary grades."

Elementary teacher Hester Krimple reported on big reading gains for the students involved in her new Skinner box initiative. Students in her class spend each morning in their individual Skinner boxes completing readings and multiple choice questions. They are regularly reinforced with M&M's from a pellet dispenser and are allowed out of their boxes in the afternoon if they reach the daily goal for reading comprehension.

"We have seen some students make an entire year's growth in reading comprehension in just three months," Krimple reported. "We are, however, seeing more children crying, more children wetting themselves, and more children with a variety of mental health issues. We did briefly offer counseling, but we've found that just took time away from reading. We believe that the students will overcome their mental health issues once they see how well they do on the state test. I know I'll feel better then - my pay is based on their scores!"

Krimple recently expanded the program to include afternoon Skinner box sessions for mathematics. She reports that math scores are on the rise but that three students are missing after it was discovered that they had tunneled out of the building.

"Other than that incident," Krimple concluded, "I have nothing but good news to report. If we can just keep the children from thinking outside of their boxes, we are practically guaranteed better test scores."

The board praised Krimple for her work and encouraged her to share her expertise within her building so that other teachers can replicate her successes.
Finally, the board defended its decision to appoint Robert Sanders as the director of curriculum and instruction for the district. Sanders is being loaned to the district by Testalopolis, the testing company. Testalopolis also agreed to pay Sander's salary, resulting in a savings of over $120,000 for the district. Some have questioned the wisdom and the ethics of giving the testing company so much influence over the teaching and learning that goes on in the district.

"I can think of no one better to drive our teaching and testing program than a for-profit corporation whose sole motivation is to make money for its stockholders," board member Fred Furnley argued "Isn't it a good idea to have the for-profit munitions manufacturers and defense contractors set our foreign policy and national defense policy? Isn't it a good idea to have for-profit oil interests set our national energy policy? Then what could be better than having the testing companies set our national, state, and local educational policies?"

The board also praised Sanders for his adoption of Testalopolis' $1.2 million elementary Drill, Drill, Drill curriculum, their $1.1 million Intervene, Intervene, Intervene curriculum for the middle school, and their $800,000 Remediate, Remediate, Remediate curriculum for the high school.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Curriculum and Obstruction
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The school board met this week for their regular meeting and heard from Tom Baker, the director of the district's Department of Curriculum and Obstruction. Baker reported that the department had developed a new mission statement.

"The mission of the Department of Curriculum and Obstruction," Baker reported, "is to be clear and deliberate and consistent and deliberate and deliberate and deliberate."

"You said 'deliberate' four times." board member Vernice Vicklestone interrupted.

"I did that deliberately," Baker replied. "Being deliberate is what we do best and it is one of our core values. Actually, we are still even deliberating over how many times to say it in the mission statement. We want to deliberate some more about that."

"Other than deliberating about just how deliberate to be, what does your department actually do?" asked Board member Helen Parker.

"We have meetings that raise questions that need to be answered and then we have meetings where someone presents answers to the questions, but those answers just raise more questions that have to be answered in subsequent meetings. And, of course, all of this has to be done deliberately. Sometimes the meetings result in action plans. And those really scare the bejeebers out of us, so we are really deliberate with those. But we have initiated a number of initiatives, we are projecting our participation in a number of projects, we are programming some new programs, we have undertaken a number of new undertakings, and we are actively studying a number of courses of action."

"That's it?" Parker asked.

"We're really big on protocol too," Baker replied. "You'd be amazed at how much more deliberate work you can make if you insist that every tiny little step go through channels and requests for authorizations. Heck, it took me three long years just to get permission from myself to attend this board meeting tonight."

"Well, we are really proud of your work," board member Fred Furnley assured Baker. "We wish more of our district departments were as careful as your department. In fact, I think it would be a great idea if you would teach your deliberate ways to the rest of the departments at the district headquarters."

"And we could change the name of your department." Parker added.

"Change?" interrupted Baker.

"Sure, Parker continued. "We could change the name of your department from 'Curriculum and Obstruction' to 'Curriculum of Obstruction.'"

"I like it!" shouted Furnley.

"Well, we certainly will entertain that idea and call some meetings on it," Baker assured the board. "We would, of course, like to be deliberate about this. And I would need to get authorizations on a number of fronts before we proceed with any consideration of a name change or added training duties. But I can get back to you on this. I would have to deliberate about when I could do so and whether or not I could give myself permission to do so. How about we plan for a report from my department in the fall of 2023? I think a Tuesday would be best, but we will have to call some meetings about that."

"I take it you want to be deliberate about this," Furnley offered.

"Yes I do," Baker responded.

"How deliberate?"

"Deliberately very, very, very deliberate," Baker replied. "Although I say that without ample time to truly deliberate our deliberateness."

After a brief discussion, the board voted to put the matters on hold indefinitely. Baker then cheered loudly, jumped from his chair, kissed every board member flush on the face, and ran from the room.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Eunice Howell
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board announced earlier this week that they have invited poverty expert Eunice Howell to do a three-day in-service for district personnel on the culture of poverty. Ms. Howell's contract calls for her to be paid $8200 for each day of the in-service and for the district to purchase $162,300 of her self-published materials
.
"Ms. Howell is a well-known expert on poverty," stated board member Fred Furnley. "And taking all of our money is just the first step in helping us understand it better."

Following a review of the decision to sign a contact with Howell, the board passed a resolution calling on all district leaders to restrict their decision making to data-based decision making.

And since the district's solid data is limited to district reading and math scores, the board and district leaders will limit all decisions to issues regarding reading and math.

In the absence of solid data, there will be no decisions for the rest of this year on equity and social justice, school budgets, large class sizes, science, social studies, music, the arts, student attitudes, student motivation, student boredom, quality teaching, critical and creative thinking, civic efficacy, preparing students for life in the real world, bringing joy to learning, and teaching the whole child.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Recess Returns
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The school board met this week for its regular monthly meeting.

The board announced, in response to pressure from the Fuddle River Elementary School PTA, that it will reinstate recess at the elementary school.
Armed with studies that showed that outdoor recess benefits learning and promotes mental and physical health, the local PTA had been working with the national PTA to bring recess back to Fuddle River Elementary. Recess was eliminated three years ago to allow for more time to prepare students for the state tests in reading and math.

"I think we reached a nice compromise here," school board member Fred Furnley offered. "The kids get to go outside on the playground and run around, and we get some more state test practice in."

Furnley then showed a plan for the playground that will result in it looking like a state test answer sheet from the air. Furnley explained how numbered and lettered ovals will be painted into the blacktop to allow for "structured kinesthetic state test practice activities" on the playground.

On another issue, the board presented a progress report on the proposal for new career-centered programs in the Fuddle River Schools. Nationwide, these career-centered high school programs are being promoted for the way they motivate students. Proponents like these "career academies" because students are allowed to follow their career interests and learn in interesting ways connected to the real world.

The academies are said to offer high-quality technical and career education with rigorous academic content that prepares students for the world of work.
A lot of districts are asking students to choose "majors" as they enter high school and districts are creating career academies in their high schools that focus on science and technology, health-related careers, communications, and business. The academies are said to make schools more relevant for the students, reduce student boredom, and motivate students to learn.

Fuddle River students will not have to wait until high school to get a start on learning for their careers. Some in the district proposed that the district start in middle school. Others said that the district should start as early as elementary school. The board decided that the district should begin even before that.
Polling has been done among area three-year-olds, and the district now has a pretty good idea of what career paths Fuddle River preschoolers would like to follow.

In the fall, the Fuddle River preschools and elementary schools will be divided into career academies focusing on the most popular career choices and each Fuddle River preschool student will declare a major and choose an academy to attend. In fact, the district has already begun planning the curricula for the Firefighter Academy, the "Bob the Builder" Academy, the Mud Pie Academy, and the Pretty Princess Academy.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Test Resourcing And Programming
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met for its regular meeting this month. Much of the meeting concerned the district's contract for scripted test-preparation programs and the termination of twelve Fuddle River teachers for insubordination. The school board's attorney defined insubordination at the last board meeting as "the deliberate and inexcusable refusal to obey a reasonable order which relates to an employee's job function." Most of the debate over the termination of the employees had to do with the term "reasonable order."

"Is it reasonable to expect an experienced teacher - one with a graduate degree in education - to teach from the scripted program we purchased for her classroom?" board member Fred Furnley asked. "And is it reasonable to expect that same teacher to refrain from straying from the script? I think that those are entirely reasonable. If one can't follow directions to follow directions, then that person is insubordinate."

"Perhaps our teachers are too educated," Furnley continued. "Perhaps they are too creative. Perhaps they are too talented. Perhaps they find too much joy in real teaching and learning. Well, if that's the case, then perhaps they have to go. We'll just have to find teachers unburdened by such qualities. It will be better for the kids. It will be better for their test scores."

"Wait a second," interrupted Fuddle River parent Stacey Fischer. Let's get real here. "Test scores seem to indicate that students participating in drill and practice scripted programs do perform better on the state tests - although that may be simply because the programs are aimed specifically at the state tests. Fuddle River students have not shown any improvement at all in national mathematics tests and, in fact, have lost ground in national reading tests. And the fact that the scripted programs have to be repeated every year and at every grade level must tell you something - that they are ineffective and that their progress is illusory. The learning,
apparently, is good for only one state test cycle."

"I have problems with your stupid scripted programs," Fischer concluded. "They are mind-numbing, joyless, and anti-intellectual. They are not about learning - they are about training - training to take the state test. And I think that demotivating, drill and practice learning actually hurts our students."

"Ms. Fischer, with all due respect, you sound like one of our misguided, insubordinate teachers," Furnley responded. "I think if you did a little less reading and a little less thinking you'd be a lot happier in the long run. Look, folks, the horse is already out of the barn. The paradigm has changed. School is not about motivation, curiosity, exploration, and joy anymore. It is not our job to entertain the children. It is our job to see that they get passing scores on the state tests. We are not interested in their happiness. We want hard data. We just want test scores that don't embarrass us."

Furnley then introduced Hugh Spencer from the Test Resourcing And Programming (TRAP) corporation. Spencer argued that the district's contract with TRAP is the best move the district has made in years.

"We produce the state tests," Spencer argued. "We produce the scripted test preparation programs that are aligned with the state test. We are the only provider with that kind of integrated programming in the entire state. We can offer practice tests that will arm you with the data you need to lead more of your students to proficiency on the state tests. It would be a mistake to spend your millions of dollars anywhere but with us. Not only do we offer scripted programs for teachers, but we also have scripted programs for building administrators and district administrators. And we just rolled out our scripted program for school superintendents and school boards. Now district leaders can order our programs simply by following the script and signing the purchase orders."

"Some say that corporations like TRAP are taking over American education," Spencer continued. "And that we are turning formerly democratic institutions like schools and school districts into hyper-dependant subsidiaries of our own corporations. They say we are dumbing-down education and denying our children real educations. They say that we are sacrificing American children on the altar of corporate profit. They may be saying that, but if they are, it is not our fault. We didn't script those statements. Those statements must come from those who have not yet purchased our carefully scripted programs. Eventually, we will get them too. Eventually we'll get everyone. And then you will never hear another bad word about the fine work of TRAP.

"Well, that's good enough from me," Furnley stated.

"'For me,' corrected board member Shirley Hanover.

"Huh?"

"You said 'from me.' The script says 'for me,'" Hanover explained.

"So it does," Furnley replied. "My bad."

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Referendum Talking Points
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. The board discussed the upcoming excess levy referendum and heard from district communications director Hank Brinkman. Brinkman reported to the board that his department has developed a number of talking points for school district supporters to use in discussion with community members regarding the Fuddle River School District.

"I keep my ear to the ground," Brinkman reported. "I have to - I am an information and communications professional. Actually, I mean that ear thing figuratively. I once put my ear to the ground literally, and all I got was a dirty ear."

"I regret to report," continued Brinkman, "that I have heard very little positive about the district in the last six months. In fact, there seems to have been a rise in the badmouthing of our schools lately, and from all sectors of our community. Well, I don't like it. It's ill-informed criticism and it's mean-spirited. Frankly, I think anyone who criticizes the schools is a big stinky doody-head. I do. But I read in a recent issue of the School Communications Journal that it is a bad idea to call school critics doody-heads, and that there are many more accurate, more colorful, and more insulting names available."

"But then I read in a later Journal issue," Brinkman added, "that it would be much better for school district public relations if we were to engage critics in conversation. So, instead of name-calling, we will be conversational. And that's what we developed the talking points for. Oh, and sorry about the preposition I ended that last sentence with."

"The idea of the talking points is to give each district supporter a way to win over critics of the district," Brinkman continued. "The talking points are really quite simple - even non-communications professionals can use them."

"So, I present to you the talking points." Brinkman concluded. "They are also posted on the district web site, but they ended up on some web page it takes a couple of hundred clicks to get to. And I again apologize for the sentence-ending prepositional behavior I seem to be talking with."

The board voted unanimously to approve the talking points. Printed copies, along with snacks and soda, will be distributed to the two district supporters next week.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

PVA
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting.

The board discussed the district's new secret initiative. Board members and district administrators freely discussed the secret initiative at the meeting, knowing that almost no one at all attends the regular school board meetings, watches the local cable broadcast of the meetings, or reads these minutes from the meeting. So while details of the secret initiative were discussed publicly, administrators and the board did express their desire to keep details of the initiative from the citizens and the teachers of the Fuddle River Schools. The secret nature of the initiative evidences the ongoing effort in the district to create power for otherwise weak administrators. Research has shown that withholding and controlling information is one of the best artificial ways to be powerful.

The initiative will be know by its acronym, PVA, which actually stands for "Purposely Vague Acronym."

District-wide PVA meetings will be scheduled, meeting rooms will be booked, and meeting announcements will be made weekly, but no district personnel will be invited to the meetings.

Building administrators will be allowed to assert that they are members of the PVA Committee of the Whole and that they have attended PVA meetings. Board members and district administrators will be allowed to assert that they are members of the PVA Core Committee. The PVA Core Committee will be said to be responsible for the planning and supervising the implementation of PVA in the Fuddle River School District.

Arbitrary administrative decisions will be announced as recommended by the PVA Core Committee and in line with the well-established PVA Principles and Practices.

The PVA Committee of the Whole will make PVA site implementation visits to vacation destinations along the Gulf Coast and PVA Core Committee members will make site visits to schools in Hawaii and in the Virgin Islands. It will be established that regular site visits during the winter months will be necessary to competently and confidently implement PVA in the Fuddle River Schools.

At the building level, principals will be allowed to create their own PVA Site Teams and to convene regular meetings of the PVA Site Teams. Each principal will be able to create their own PowerPoint presentation that introduces the mission of PVA. The principals are encouraged to be creative in developing both the presentations and in inventing missions for PVA. The mission can be anything that does not presuppose additional funding, additional materials, or additional professional development support from the district.

Principals are encouraged to remind teachers that the PVA process is a long one and that the rush to implementation has killed many other initiatives. They are encouraged to remind teachers that PVA will be with us a very, very long time.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Director of Technology Timothy Tjercz
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. The board heard reports on a pair of recent developments.

Twelve teachers spent a night last week on the Fuddle River Middle School roof after students sold over $100,000 worth of magazine subscriptions and wrapping paper in a school fundraiser that netted $32,000 for the school. The teachers pitched tents and slept in their sleeping bags on top of the school and shouted greetings from the roof to students arriving for school the next day.

Fuddle River Buildings and Grounds Director, Tom Richstad, estimates that the foot traffic on the brittle, old roof will lead to repairs estimated to cost about $40,000.

District Director of Technology, Timothy Tjercz (pronounced "Tczjr"), reported that someone hacked into the district web site for mischief-making last week.

Tjercz (pronounced "szchzyn") reported that - because of the hacking - those who sent article submissions to the district's weekly district newsletter, the Hotline, received automatic responses that read, "Thank you for your submission to the Hotline. Even though you think your stuff is really important, we don't think so. We are, however, placing your submission in the next issue of our other newsletter, the Not-So-Hot Line."

Tjercz (pronounced "plzvrch") reported that several teacher photos on the district web site were replaced with recent celebrity DUI mug shot photos.

Tjercz (pronounced "kzchbn"), found that many teachers' course syllabi had also been replaced with advance-fee fraud messages from General Sani Abacha of Nigeria.

All of the content on the district's Gifted and Talented Department's web page was replaced with PDF files named "Hard Worksheet," "Harder Worksheet," and "Really, Really Hard Worksheet." Tjercz (pronounced "styshxk") reported that he could not complete any of the worksheets. He (pronounced "chchvz") also discovered that the district staff directory was manipulated so that searches in the staff directory all redirected users to a MySpace page allegedly created by a teacher named "Helen Smith." Smith's page featured the entire membership of the Kyrgyzstan Supreme Council as "friends."

Content on the Department of Technology web page was replaced with the threat that anyone who called the support line would be sent a "malicious podcast of the blog taken from the wiki of our Moodle." Tjercz (pronounced "shpzxk") admitted that he had no idea what any of those words meant, but that apparently most visitors to the site took the threat seriously. Calls this week to the technology support line are down sharply.

Tjercz (pronounced "hrbek") also reported that all board notes for the past year had been replaced with fabricated board notes that actually show the board in a much better light than the originals. The board voted unanimously to leave the district web site as it is for at least the next few months while members read the new board notes and consider their options.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Annual Jargon Review
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met in a special meeting this week to conduct their annual jargon review. For years the board has endeavored to be proactive regarding the use of educational jargon within the district.

Each December the board issues a list of approved esoteric educational jargon and a list of unapproved esoteric educational jargon. The board encourages district personnel to sprinkle into every possible correspondence the approved jargon - especially in correspondence with parents and with the Fuddle River community. The board also encourages the combining of approved words and phrases with other approved words and phrases to create and use even more esoteric jargon.
The board reminds district personnel to refrain from using jargon from the unapproved list.

"Those unapproved words and phrases are big trouble," warned board member Fred Furnley. "District personnel should use only the approved esoteric educational jargon. Our use of the approved jargon shows that we are all on the same page, and that's good. Especially if it is a page that none of our stakeholders can understand."

"That kind of confusion is usually very hard to achieve," Furnley continued. "But that kind of confusion means freedom for this board. We can only hope that the professionals in the schools and offices of the Fuddle River School District share this board's desire to shelter our foolish ideas from public scrutiny and to protect our feeble efforts from public accountability."

The board approved the lists and made copies of the lists available through all district principals and supervisors. The lists are reprinted below. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Walk-Throughs
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the district's new professional development initiative. The new initiative is known as Rigoromics(sm) and it involves having building administrators do a number of classroom walk-throughs called "learning walks" to look for very specific things in each classroom. At the end of each day administrators share what they have learned with the teachers whose rooms they've walked through.

The focus in this first stage of the learning walks has been to look for evidence of clear expectations in the classrooms. "We want to see evidence that the students know what it is they are supposed to learn," board member Fred Furnley explained.

Fuddle River Teachers United (FRTU) president and high school social studies teacher Hal Shimmler attended the board meeting to raise concerns with the initiative. "Look, I don't have a problem with professional development," Shimmler stated. "I'm all for professional development. Our union supports it. FRTU even provides professional development opportunities for our teachers. But where did this learning walk stuff come from? I don't remember a district needs-assessment or even a school needs-assessment. It seems to me that the $4 million, four-year contract we signed with the Rigoromics(sm) people was for solutions to problems we had not yet even defined. These people come here with answers to questions we have not yet even asked. Why do I want to assess my teaching by Rigoromics(sm) standards? Who are these people?"

"And the way by which they assess clear expectations is troubling," Shimmler continued. "I understand that the learning walks are just looking to see what is posted on the classroom walls. They don't even talk to the teacher or to the students. And in some cases, learning walks are done when the teacher is not even in the room. What is that? If all we care about is classroom signage, then let's just order some signs and let's stop calling this professional development."

"I remind you that the learning walks are to be non-evaluative," board member Fred Furnley replied. "They serve only to inform professional development. This is not about evaluating teachers. Administrators cannot make evaluative statements. They cannot say what was good or what was bad about their learning walk. They can, however, offer some 'I wonder' statements."

"Great. So we have a million-dollar-a-year professional development program that only wonders about things. One would think that something as open-ended as wondering would come at a much lower cost. I wonder whose kooky idea it was to sign on with the Rigoromics(sm) people."

"I initiated contact with the Rigoromics(sm) people," Furnley replied, "And Roger - er - Doctor Holcolmb at Rigoromics(sm) assures us that this is the way to improve teaching and learning in our schools. I believe in learning walks."

"And I believe in 'learning sits.'" Shimmler replied. "Sit down in my classroom and listen to what is going on regarding learning. Talk to the students. And can we please not use Rigoromics(sm) lingo for what we know is good teaching and learning? Come to my classroom and look for students working deep into the content, thinking critically, collaborating, and communicating effectively their understandings. Look for that and tell me when you see it and when you don't. Tell me what I am doing well, and tell me how I can improve. Then I would welcome your 'learning sit.' But if you are just out for a learning walk to look at classroom walls and to wonder, when you get near my classroom, please just keep walking."

"I wonder," Furnley ventured, "why Mr. Shimmler is so anti-wondering."

"I wonder how big Fred's kickback from Roger really was," board member Ethel Crumpler offered.

"I wonder if it is possible to just learning walk away from this Rigoromics(sm) contract," board member Shirley Hanover added.

"I wonder why Ethel and Shirley are so weak and wishy-washy," Furnley responded.

"I wonder in a non-evaluative way what exactly is wrong with Fred, and if a state auditor could shed some light on that," Crumpler offered.

"Don't make me learning walk over there," Furnley threatened.

"And I wonder," Hanover concluded, "why Fred doesn't take a very long learning walk off a very short pier."

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

A Kid Walks Into A Classroom...
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board held their annual school joke contest this month and reported that another collection of horrible jokes were submitted. The theme of this year's contest was "A kid walks into a classroom�" For the fifth year in a row, the board refused to name a winner. However, among the poorly crafted and barely understandable attempts at humor, the board selected the following for dishonorable mention:

A kid walks into a classroom with a pair of jumper cables. "Sit right here," the teacher tells him. "And don't start anything."

A hydrogen atom walks into a classroom. "Teacher," he says, "I've lost my electron."
"Are you sure?" the teacher asks.
"Yes, I'm positive."

A bologna sandwich walks into a classroom. "I'm sorry," the teacher tells him. "I don't allow food in here."

A mushroom walks into a classroom and teacher tells him to sit down and be absolutely quiet.
"I can't," he tells her, "I'm a fungi."

A chicken walks into a computer lab and complains that nothing happens when she double clucks.

Two hats walk into a classroom. One says to the other, "You stay here, I'll go on ahead."

A kid walks into a classroom and is surprised to see a lemur teaching the class. "Whatsamatta, you got a problem with an animal teaching you?" the lemur asks.
"No," the kid replies, "it's not that at all. I'm just wondering what happened to the kangaroo who usually teaches this class."

A priest, a rabbi, a minister, and a mullah walk into a classroom. "What is this," the teacher asks, "some kind of joke?"

A pony walks into a classroom and tells the teacher not to call on him today because, he says, "I'm a little horse."

A puppy limps into a classroom and tells the teacher, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A kid walks into a classroom with a duck on his head. "Can I help you?" asks the teacher.
"Yes," says the duck. "Can you get this kid off my bottom?"

An elephant walks into a classroom and reminds the teacher about elephants' powerful memories. "So," he tells her, "that's why I'll always remember how I forgot my homework today."

Two students walk into a classroom chanting "Thirty-two days! Thirty-two days!"
"What's going on?" the teacher asks."
"We just finished a jigsaw puzzle that on the box said 'two to four years' - but it only took us thirty-two days!"

A kid walks into a classroom with a giraffe. As the kid works at his desk the giraffe takes a nap on the floor. At the end of the class the kid steps over the animal and heads out the door.
"Hey," the teacher yells after him, "you can't leave that lyin' there."
"That's no lion," the kid replies. "That's a giraffe."

A duck walks into a classroom and asks his classmate for his glue stick.
"Hurry - I need to glue my mouth shut today so I can stay out of trouble," he explains.
"Yeah, but who's going to pay me for all this glue?" his classmate asks.
"Oh for Pete's sake," the duck replies, "just put it on my bill."

A big cat walks into the classroom and immediately begins rifling through the teacher's desk, looking for answer keys.
"Hey!" the teacher yells. "What do you think you're doing?"
"I can't help it," the big cat argues. "I'm a cheetah."

Superintendent Rumsfeld
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for their regular monthly meeting and voted to approve the appointment of a new superintendent of schools. The board had considered a number of individuals for the superintendency post - vacant since early this fall - and most candidates were from nontraditional fields. Nontraditional superintendents - former military officers, corporate executives, and political leaders - currently serve as school superintendents all across the country.

"We decided early on," board member Fred Furnley asserted, "that nontraditional was the way to go. Going with a nontraditional candidate would show how cutting-edge we are here in Fuddle River. And we figured we'd get a lot more positive press if we chose a nontraditional superintendent because the public loves these nontraditional go-getters. The nontraditional superintendents are big time leaders and big time change agents. And, of course we were ecstatic when our candidate became available earlier this year."

With that the board introduced former U. S. Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld as the new superintendent of the Fuddle River Schools.

Rumsfeld stood and addressed the board. "Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Am I happy to be here in Fuddle River? Of course I am. Will I be a good superintendent? The sources in my head tell me that's true. Do I like answering my own questions? Yes, I do. Do I think that it helps me control the situation?
Of course it does."

When asked about his plans for his first 100 days, Superintendent Rumsfeld replied, "I can't wait to get to the work of improving these schools. My administrative team will begin with an assault on the high school tomorrow. Then we will flank and take the middle school. Finally, we will use a three-pronged pincer movement to surround the elementary school. My belief is that we will, in fact, be greeted as liberators. I should have some video to share with you tomorrow. It is unknowable how long the conflict will last. It could last six days or six weeks. I doubt six months. As you know, you go to the schools with the district administrators you have, not the district administrators you might want or wish to have at a later time."

"Now some might think I'm crazy, and I think I may have told you yesterday that I am not insane. Well, I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and, well, I assume it's what I said," Rumsfeld added.

In the absence of any interested parties in attendance at the board meeting, Superintendent Rumsfeld began an impromptu fake press conference where he pretended to respond to questions from reporters.

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

"Now, I don't know what the facts are but somebody's certainly going to sit down with me and find out what I know that they may not know, and make sure I know what they know that I may not know."

"I'll tell you, though, I'm really not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty."

"Well, um, you know, something's neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so, I suppose, as Shakespeare said."

"I don't do quagmires, I don't do diplomacy, I don't do foreign policy, I don't do predictions, I don't do numbers, and I don't do book reviews."

Board member Esther Krumwalt interrupted and requested that the superintendent sit down as she told him, "It is with great sadness and regret that we accept your resignation as our superintendent."

"But I wasn't resigning," Rumsfeld replied.

"That's not what you said yesterday."

"Well, I think I already told you that I believe what I said yesterday. I don't know what I said, but I know what I think, and, well, I assume it's what I said."

"Nontraditional is the way to go?" board member Helen Dotson mumbled.

"Big time crazy," Fred Furnley sighed.

With that, the board accepted Rumsfeld's resignation. Another candidate search will be initiated next week.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

The Annual School Board Apology
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for their regular meeting. Starting the meeting with "We humbly ask for forgiveness," board member Fred Furnley introduced the annual school board apology.

The board's public act of repentance, issued in the spring of each year, is intended to allow the board to move on to current issues and current work by clearing the air and closing the book on the past year's blunders, bungles, fumbles, foul-ups, mix-ups, mess-ups, mistakes, missteps muffs, goofs, and gaffes.

The board apologized for using a million dollar test-prep software package and scripted lessons to pound interesting and diverse square pegs into painfully boring round holes.

The board apologized for designating third grade contrarian Jimmy Phillips as the district's "no-child" and for actively planning to leave him behind.

The board apologized for removing from district decision-making those whose expertise is curriculum, teaching, and learning, and replacing them with those whose expertise is bossing, power, and petty politics.

The board apologized for hiring a highly-paid strategic planner who can not even foresee his own termination (next week).

The board apologized for being both intentional and strategic when their intention was to only cover their own hides and their strategy was just to cover their intentions of covering their hides.

The board apologized for printing district staff identification badges with weights, body fat indices and employment expiration dates.

The board apologized for introducing at least 450 new EEA's (esoteric education acronyms) this school year.

The board apologized for no wins in varsity cross-country, volleyball, football, basketball, hockey, baseball or track this year and for trying to sell the district's varsity sports teams to a neighboring school district.

The board apologized putting off asbestos abatement in the belief that the asbestos in the buildings would safely shield our students and staff from harmful mold growing within the buildings' walls and ceilings.

The board apologized to the elementary school for approving the school fundraiser that had innocent children selling Florida swamp land and Brooklyn suspension bridges.

The board apologized for mistaking "wonderings" for real critical thinking.

The board apologized for thinking that building administrators could be faster and more efficient if walk-throughs and learning walks became run-throughs and learning trots, and the board apologized for the run-throughs and learning trots that spooked entire classes of ninth-graders into a stampede at the high school.

The board apologized for railing against childhood obesity while eliminating elementary school recess and physical education classes in favor of more test preparation drill and practice.

The board apologized for PowerPoint presentations as crutches for poorly conceived and poorly prepared presentations that would otherwise fit nicely on single sheets of paper.

The board apologized for being disrespectfully bossed around by paid consultants when a number of community members have made it quite clear that they would provide the same services at absolutely no charge.

The board apologized for mandating homework and then banning homework and then mandating it and then banning it again without even once considering the nature of the homework being assigned.

The board apologized for always blaming "the process" when bad decisions were made.

The board apologized for the plan that had them moving the district headquarters offshore until they discovered that all district funding comes from local, state, and federal governments within the United States.

The board apologized to the middle school staff and students for the fire drill on the day of the tornado and for the tornado drill on the day of the fire.

The board apologized for the six-step protocol they used to evaluate the seven-step protocol they used to assess the five-step protocol they used to appraise the effectiveness of district use of protocols.

The board apologized for the new transportation policy that has district buses transporting to charter and private schools only students who want to avoid our district schools.

And, as usual, the board apologized for having to apologize so much and also issued a blanket apology for failing to apologize for other items that may have escaped its annual apology review.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Depersonnelizing Education
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review the district's new cost saving program. The idea of "Depersonnelizing Education" is to make state test training as cost effective as possible.

Since the board adopted a mission statement last month that identified state test training as the district's lone goal, district leaders have been able to get rid of all of the costly programs and costly personnel that result in what is typically considered learning.

School food service employees were the first to go. They were replaced by banks of vending machines in each of the district's buildings. Custodians were next. They were replaced by once-a-week overnight visits by an outside custodial contracting service.

District bus drivers were eliminated entirely and each student received vouchers for two pairs of walking shoes and one pair of winter boots.

All school secretaries and clerical workers were then replaced by student aides working for graduation credits.

School and district parent liaisons were replaced by an online mailing service that regularly spams parent email accounts.

Media specialists were replaced by self-serve book check-out scanners and a conveyer belt system that sorts and re-shelves returned books.

School counselors and social workers were replaced by several box sets of DVD's from the "Dr. Phil" show.

Teachers were replaced by minimum-wage security guards who escort students during the day and supervise them in computer labs and multimedia centers.

District curriculum, instruction, and assessment are now being provided by the Datadebasement Corporation for a tiny fraction of what it would cost to train the students with real human interaction.

Hall monitors and security guards were replaced by teams of underfed pit bulls that wander school halls day and night.

Principals' responsibilities were taken up by district administrators whose responsibilities were in turn taken up by the district superintendent, whose responsibilities were then passed on to the state education commissioner, and then the state's governor. All district responsibilities eventually were passed on even further, and now the direct day-to-day operation of the district is handled by the President of the United States.

The district is currently looking for ways to replace the students and their parents and a study has been commissioned to evaluate how that move would affect district finances.

District Outplacement Specialist, Toby Oliver, reported that the district campaign to depersonnelize education was going so well that the district is now considered a national model for school district cost savings.

At that point, the board room door burst open and the meeting was interrupted by nine screaming chimpanzees - each carrying an ink pad and a rubber stamp.

"My goodness!" board member Fred Furnley exclaimed. "I had no idea our replacements would be here so soon!"

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

More Kids Walk Into Classrooms
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. After much lobbying and three threatened lawsuits, the board has agreed to release the rest of the jokes from this year's joke contest.

The theme of this year's contest was "A kid walks into a classroom�" For the fifth year in a row, the board refused to name a winner. However, among the poorly crafted and barely understandable attempts at humor, the board selected the previously released jokes for dishonorable mention. There were jokes that failed to reach even that modest level of achievement. Those jokes, printed below, had been withheld in the public interest. With regrets, and with a comprehensive denial of any liability, here they are:

A beaver walks into a classroom and the teacher asks what he's doing in school.
"My dad sent me to school today," he explains, "because I told him I didn't want to do any dam work."

A three-pronged electrical plug walks into a classroom and explains to a classmate that he can't play after school.
"Why not?" his friend asks.
"Because," he says, "I'm grounded."

A cartoon character walks into a classroom and sees a banana peel on the floor. "Oh brother." he thinks to himself. "Here we go again�"

A skunk walks into a classroom.
"Sit right here," the teacher tells him. "And don't raise a stink."

A student walks into a classroom carrying a brace and a drill bit.
"What's up with that stuff?" a classmate asks.
"I heard," he replies, "that this class is boring."

Two arms, two legs, a torso, and a head walk into a classroom and the teacher shrieks.
"We heard that we'd be breaking up into groups today," the head explains.

A bird walks into a classroom.
"I'm hungry, she explains. "And I'm just here because I heard that this class is crumby."

A student wearing plaid pants, a striped shirt, a paisley vest, and orange shoes walks out of a classroom and tells the teacher, "Sorry I was so loud today."

A duck walks into a classroom.
I heard that today's test is really hard," he explains, "and I'd like to take a quack at it."

An old man walks into a classroom. "You don't have to teach me anything," the man explains to the teacher. "I have only twenty-four hours to live and I'm in your class because I want it to seem like much longer."

A young wildebeest walks into the classroom and reminds the teacher that he only recently joined the class.
"So please go slow today," he says. "I'm still a little gnu."

Highfalutin Leadership Team
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review branding and tagline recommendations from the district's Highfalutin Leadership Team (HLT). The brand and tagline strategy will be used to highlight outstanding true stories of educational success within the district. The idea is to create a brand that the local community can trust more than the brands created by local private, parochial, and charter schools. The team was also charged with creating a tagline that expresses the district's mission in a way that compels parents to choose Fuddle River schools over the others.

The new district brand will be promoted using the tagline in district brochures, on the district calendar and posters, on the district web site, and on district letterheads and newsletter templates. Print, radio, and television advertisements will tell the stories of students, alumni, teachers, and happy families.
Much of the work of the HLT was facilitated by the public relations low-bidder firm of Humbug, Hokum & Hooey. Hank Hokum suggested that the HLT begin the search for an exciting tagline and then design both the school district and the brand to go with it. The HLT voted unanimously to accept Hokum's suggestion. Hal Hooey suggested that the team begin their work on a tagline by looking at existing advertising slogans. The HLT agreed and enthusiastically recommended the following taglines:

"Can you hear me now?"
"Fair and balanced"
"Your number one hit music station"
"Keeps going and going and going..."
"What's in your wallet?"
"We make money the old fashioned way - we earn it"
"Be all you can be"
"Friends don't let friends drive drunk"
"Got milk?"
"Just do it"
"Don't leave home without it"
"Reach out and touch someone"

Consultant Hap Humbug then explained that the HLT couldn't just appropriate someone else's slogan. He told the team that the idea was to adapt an existing slogan into an entirely new slogan. With that clarification, the HLT developed and presented to the board these slogans:

"Can you learn from me now?"
"Fairly balanced learning"
"Your number one hit school"
"The learning keeps going and going and going..."
"What's in your brain?"
"We make AYP the old fashioned way - we drill and practice"
"Learn all you can learn"
"Friends don't let friends drive stupid"
"Got brains?"
"Just stop doing it and pay attention"
"Don't leave home without an education"
"Keep your hands to yourself"

After some discussion, board member Fred Furnley spoke for the board and responded to the HLT and the Humbug, Hokum & Hooey public relations firm.

"I'm sorry, but we've decided against developing a district brand and tagline. First of all, your tagline slogans are pitiful. Secondly, it is an incredibly expensive proposition. We've already - regretfully - spent tens of thousands of dollars on this brand and tagline business. And finally, we are convinced that people don't remember this stuff anyway. We talked about it and discovered that not one of us could remember any single advertising slogan, tagline, or jingle. Not one. So the whole thing, along with being a waste of money, is an incredible waste of time and effort."

"So," Furnley concluded, "we will now move on to other business. But before we do, I must say that this coffee we are drinking is really fantastic. Why, if I had this coffee in the morning, it would be the best part of waking up."

"It's good to the last drop," added board member Esther Crumpler.

"I'm loving it," reported board member Edith Beckel. "Coffee," she added, "it's not just for breakfast anymore."

"It tastes great and it's less filling," board member Nancy Perkel offered.

"It does a body good," added Crumpler.

"Yes it is so nice to gather 'round the good stuff," Furnley shared.

"Speaking of the good stuff," interrupted Beckel, "have I ever introduced you to my bologna? It has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R�"

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

District No-Childs
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to listen to the elementary school's plan to make AYP (Adequate Yearly Progress) this year and to give final approval to the list of elementary children who will be declared this year's "no-childs." Under the rules of the No Child Left Behind Act, achieving AYP, involves getting more and more children each year to achieve at the "proficient" level in the state reading and math tests.

District consultants have emphasized over and over that the "most bang for the buck" in each school's effort to make AYP is to keep the students who are just above the "proficient" level at that level, and to help the students who are just below the "proficient" level reach proficiency. So that is where the elementary school's efforts will be concentrated this year.

Consultants have also emphasized that marginal improvement in the competency of students well below proficiency and well above proficiency is
"no bang for the buck" and does not improve the school's AYP status.

"It may be good for the child who is well above or well below proficiency to enjoy some cognitive growth over the school year," explained district consultant Hank Mahan. "But it really doesn't do anything for the school unless it has an effect on AYP, and under No Child Left behind, the school and the district must focus on AYP to avoid being punished."

For that reason, the board has agreed that children well below proficiency and those well above proficiency will be declared "no-childs," and those children will be left behind this school year.

Thanks to the district's new $14 million formative assessment and data analysis software program, the district is now able to identify - by name - the "no-childs." The board hopes that, with this early identification, parents of the "no-childs" will have the opportunity to make other arrangements for this school year.

Elizabeth Barnes
Shantala Carter
Lucy Cramer
Hector Cruiz
Susan Dotmer
David Fernberg
Glennys Gerber
Mia Xiong
Patricia Kampfield
Wendy Lamberton
Helena Lopez
Victor Nu�ez
Chou Vang
Alicia Strong
Michael Steward
Heather Watkins

Strategic Planning
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for an update on the district's strategic plan from the Highfalutin Leadership Team (HLT).
Despite three years of work, thousands of committee meetings, twelve different strategic change consultant contracts, and over forty different district-wide surveys, the HLT is no closer to outlining a strategic plan than they were at the beginning of the process. The HLT did, however, present to the board their draft strategic plan for developing a strategic plan.

"We knew this going into the process," explained district Associate Superintendent for Planning Kevin Saucer. "Developing a long-term strategic plan should be a long-term project and a project in need of a long-term strategic plan. And we are confident that we now have a solid strategic planning plan for developing a district strategic plan."

The HLT shared that most of the plan involves more committee meetings, hiring more consulting teams, and conducting more surveys.

"There is an up-side to this," added Saucer. "Our delay in developing a strategic plan has put off all other planning and all other decisions. So no other plans have been made. And that means we've had three long years with no bad, big decisions for this board. And for that you should be thankful."

"I know I am thankful that we have not had to make a decision yet about what to do about the huge class sizes at the high school," offered board member Fred Furnley.

"And I know I am thankful that we have not had to make a decision yet about what to do about a student transportation department that regularly delivers students to the wrong schools," added board member Edith Beckel.

"And I know I am thankful that we have not had to make decisions yet about what to do about our district's crumbling infrastructure and the out-of-control student behavior at the middle school," offered board member Henry Gullickson.

"And I'm thankful about not deciding what to do about the lead in the elementary school drinking water, the asbestos in the middle school ceilings, and the mold at the high school," offered board member Alice Ferkel. "Or about how to fund the replacement of our twenty-year-old textbooks."

"And I am thankful that we have not had to make a decision yet about our district's bloated bureaucracy," added board member Lucy Bratvold. "I mean, we have twelve administrators on the HLT just for the purpose of doing strategic planning. If we had a plan, we would have to do something about that incredible waste of human capital and financial resources."

"See, that is precisely what I am talking about," agreed Saucer. "Decisions like that should not be taken lightly and those decisions should not be made until we either have a strategic plan or until Heather, Perry, Luis, Janet, Bill, Phyllis, Sharon, Maria, Gloria, Jack, Randall and I retire."

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Core Beliefs
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting and considered whether or not to approve the district's Core Beliefs. The three Core Beliefs are the result of three years of work by the district's Core Beliefs Committee. The proposed Fuddle River Core Beliefs are: (1) We believe that all children can learn; (2) We believe that all children deserve a rigorous education; and (3) We believe that the peanut butter and jelly sandwich is the best sandwich in the world.

The board was just about to vote to confirm the Core Beliefs when board member Tom Tipton pointed out that the core beliefs disagree with Fuddle River Schools' Five Primary Principles. According to Tipton, the principles are: (1) A high quality education emphasizes academic skills, deep knowledge, and critical thinking; (2) A high quality education takes place in an environment of personal safety that is free of disruption; (3) A high quality education respects diversity and involves collaboration, cooperation, and consensus from all stakeholders; (4) A high quality education requires the professional development, and retention of high quality staff; and (5) A high quality sandwich involves ham, smoked Gouda cheese, caramelized onions, and toasted rye bread. Tipton reminded the board, it took five years of work for the Primary Principles Committee to collaborate, cooperate, and reach consensus as representative stakeholders.

Then member Fred Furnley reminded the board that there would also be conflict with the district's Six Rules of Intentionality: (1) The achievement gap will be eliminated; (2) Our schools will have a profound impact on children's lives; (3) Our community collaboration will achieve and sustain excellence (4) Our children will be educated in a safe, healthy, and educationally appropriate environment; and (5) The grilled Rueben sandwich will be respected as the best sandwich on earth. Furnley then reminded the board that the district's Intentionality Committee worked for two years before developing the district's Six Rules. He also acknowledged that the Six Rules consist of only five rules for some obscure but entirely intentional reason.

Board member Helen Crumpel then brought to light the conflict with the FRS Mission Statement. The FRS Mission Statement, according to Crumpel, was the result of ten years of committee work and a number of revisions. Crumpel then recited the FRS Mission Statement from memory: "It is the mission of the Fuddle River Schools to ensure that all of our students acquire the knowledge, cognitive skills, and democratic values necessary to live fulfilling lives that respect and support both our community and our love of the southwestern ranch wrap sandwich."

"And what about our Vision Statement?" Board member Ethel Philbin added. "It says that the Fuddle River Public Schools will be known as one of the best school districts in the nation and that it will be among the first districts to eliminate the sandwich gap through the development of a chicken salad that truly embraces diversity."

Board member Henry Porter then reminded the board that there was also a conflict with the FRS District Values. From an old brochure, Porter reminded the board of the Values statement produced after the three years of FRS District Values Committee work. "We value: (1) Excellence; (2) Student success and achievement, (3) Respect for all people and ideas, (4) Data driven decisions, and (5) Melted cheddar on thinly sliced roast beef.

"I think I have a way out of this district sandwich conflict," Furnley interjected. "Obviously, we have ratified a number of Principles, Missions, Visions, Rules, and Beliefs. But we have no district goals. Really. I checked and I can find no record of goals anywhere in district history. So let's go ahead and approve the Core Beliefs and then let's empanel a new committee - a FRS Goals Committee to develop FRS District Goals that once and for all deal with the district's sandwich dilemma. I can see it now - some kind of goal involving sandwich differentiation. The committee can set other goals too - about learning and achievement and all that kind of stuff. But the really big thing will be to set a goal that brings us all together sandwich-wise. That would be a big deal and I would be proud of something like that."

With that, the board voted to approve the district's new Core Beliefs and to create a new FRS District Goals Committee. The board will begin inviting stakeholders to apply for the committee next week.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

District Work Group Rivalries
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the escalation of hostilities between the school district's work groups. The incidents seem to stem from the delayed release of the district organizational chart. The district organizational chart was to be released last month, but the chart is still being revised in committee and the board has delayed its release indefinitely.

This has created some confusion among district work groups about their status relative to each other and conflict between district groups has increased.
District central office employees report a drastic increase in graffiti on the tables and walls in the central offices as the district's Academic Leadership Team (ALT) and the district Long Term Task Force (LTTF) wage a war of reciprocal tagging.

There was also a report that the district's Academic Leadership Team put out a number of press releases on the hijacked letterhead of the district's Long Term Task Force. The Long Term Task Force then put out an authentic press release stating that they saw that one coming from a mile away.

District central office employees also report that the District Budget Committee (DBC) and its rival Education Finance Study Group (EFSG) have both adopted colors that they wear in the building and that members of both work groups have been known to spill hot coffee on those wearing the "wrong" colors.

The District Budget Committee has also complained that members of the Education Finance Study Group have begun to wear obnoxious spreadsheet and pie chart tattoos and use ritual actuarial hand signals and handshakes in the district office hallways.

There have been numerous incidents of vandalism in the district office parking lot. Last week every member of the district's Strategic Planning Committee (SPC) had air let out of their vehicle tires by masked members of the district's Change Plan Implementation Team (CPIT). This week it was reported that the members of the Strategic Planning Committee planned and then reciprocated.

Last week the district's Curriculum Oversight Panel (COP) was routed out of the first floor conference room by open-ringed three-ring binder-waving members of the district's Council on Curriculum Reform (CCR).

Cookies and coffee intended for the district's Parent Advisory Group (PAG) were instead "accidentally" consumed by the district's All-School Parent Council (ASPC) who just happened to be in the area.

There have also been complaints of hazing and initiation rituals being used by a number of district work groups. One initiation ritual is said to be the jamming and abandonment of central office copy machines using forged originals from other work groups.

Board members expressed their shock and disappointment in these reports and the board immediately and unanimously created two new district work groups with vaguely overlapping responsibilities and authority to look into the allegations.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Code Drills
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss district emergency planning. A Code Red drill was so successful at the high school last week that the board is considering approving a number of other "Code" drills for the district's schools. The drills under consideration are as follows:

Code Fuchsia: The sleep deficit among staff and students has reached a critical level.
1. Administrators should lock all exterior school doors and turn off all office machines.
2. Teachers are to lock their classroom doors, turn off classroom lights, and silence the students.
3. Students are to turn off all electronic devices.
4. Students who happen to be outside of their classroom should quickly move to the most comfortable sleeping area.
5. Administrators will announce the end of the Code Fuchsia with a cheery wake-up song.

Code Sienna: A particularly gassy lunch has been served in the building earlier today.
1. Administrators should throw open all exterior school doors and place exhaust fans in each doorway.
2. Teachers are to throw open their classroom doors, open the classroom windows, and move the gassiest students toward the windows.
3. Students are to turn off all electronic devices. Sparks could cause an explosion.
4. Do not call the nurse to report that someone is experiencing lower gastro-intestinal distress. The nurse will already know that.
5. Students who happen to be outside of their classroom should quickly move to the safest possible outdoor area.
6. Administrators will announce when the threat has "passed" and will announce the end of the Code Sienna.

Code Cerulean: A student has forgotten his homework and is on the prowl looking for someone's work to copy.
1. Administrators secure all the exterior school doors against any outside homework vendors.
2. Teachers are to lock their classroom doors and immediately collect all homework.
3. Students who happen to be outside of their classroom should quickly copyright their work and hand it in to the school secretary.
4. Administrators will announce when the threat has passed and will announce the end of the Code Cerulean.

Code Beige: A number of very boring lessons are being taught in the building today.
1. Administrators secure all exterior school doors to prevent students from escaping.
2. Teachers are to lock their classroom doors and refuse all hall pass requests.
3. Students who happen to be outside of their classroom should be thankful for their good fortune.
4. Administrators will announce when the threat has passed and will announce the end of the Code Beige.

Code Chartreuse: It is a particularly sunny and warm spring day.
1. Administrators should lock and block all exterior school doors to keep the students in school.
2. Teachers are to lock their classroom doors and close all classroom windows and blinds.
3. Do not call the nurse to report that someone is experiencing spring fever. The nurse will already know that.
4. Students who happen to be outside of their classroom will be corralled and escorted to a particularly dark and stale-smelling area of the media center.
5. Administrators will monitor the weather until it sours and then will announce the end of the Code Chartreuse.

The board will continue their discussions of emergency planning next week and will review the proposed Code Magenta, Code Lavender, Code Mauve, and Code Sepia at that meeting.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Red Herring Solutions
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week the board heard a new proposal from district education consultant Colin Wittingham. Wittingham is the president of the education consulting firm Red Herring Solutions. He has worked with the district for a number of years and on a variety of projects. The board had asked Wittingham to propose a new strategic plan for the district.

"On the one hand, student achievement in this district is a disaster. There are some serious problems here. B, you want to make sure that no one realizes that the problems are those of disastrous and destructive district structures, programs, policies, and strategies. And, three, you want to deflect blame for poor student achievement away from the district leadership and onto the teachers.

"Look, the way you have things set up, teaching in the Fuddle River School District is such an unbelievably difficult job that even the most competent teacher knows that it can't be done perfectly. And that leaves them vulnerable. So, as elected representatives with insufficient backgrounds in curriculum, instruction, administration, and school policy, you should be projecting all blame at the teachers. Pick at those imperfections. It's solid school board policy. And the teachers are so darn conscientious that they'll accept the blame and then resolve to improve their practice.

"A, tell them that they don't know how to teach thinking. You don't either, but that doesn't matter. Just remember that the problem with student achievement is that teachers do not know how to teach thinking. Number two, you�. Sorry, that 'number two' always cracks me up. Okay, I'm okay. Number two, you spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on our services and we train your teachers how to teach thinking. It's okay that most of them already know how to teach thinking and that some understand thinking and learning way better and at a much deeper level than we do.

"We are the consultants here. Our job is to deflect blame onto the teachers and that is what we will do. Why do you think our firm is named Red Herring Solutions? And the result of the deflection is that you will avoid blame while looking good for all your investment into the 'fantastic human capital' of the Fuddle River Schools.

"To be sure," Wittingham concluded, "the last thing you want is someone starting to look at the district structures, programs, policies, and strategies. Changes in those things are fraught with political danger and conflict. It's like playing with dynamite. You raise good questions, and people come up with different answers. The last thing you need is different answers to single questions. Trust me. Don't go there. Just don't go there. The problem is that the teachers don't know how to do something - say - like teaching thinking. So let's sign this six-figure contract for teaching thinking and get on with it!"

The board will meet next week to deflect criticism for even considering a contract with Red Herring Solutions.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Timid Talks
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the district's newest professional development initiative. District Director of Professional Development Dan Vanda explained how the district first attempted to contract with the consultants for "Valiant Verbalizations."

"'Valiant Verbalizations' has worked with businesses and school districts all across North America," Vanda explained. "According to their brochure, 'Valiant Verbalizations' are the difficult - but open and honest - verbalizations that we make about education issues that may be difficult for us to discuss. The program would have helped our staff to work together valiantly to develop practical and workable solutions for our schools and our district. However, we found that the 'Valiant Verbalizations' six-figure contract was way too steep for our district.

"Next we approached the people from 'Dauntless Discussions,'" Vanda continued. "But their contact, too, was way out of our range. And the promising 'Engaging Elocutions' was even more expensive than 'Valiant Verbalizations.' So, in the end, we signed a ten-year contract - at a very reasonable rate - with the people from 'Timid Talks.'

"We are very excited," Vanda gushed, "about the possibility and the power of 'Timid Talks' in our district. 'Timid Talks' are already being implemented in small groups during building professional development meetings.

I brought with me a transcript from one such meeting, and I'd like to share it with you. I think you will see how the power of 'Timid Talks' certainly serves the interests of this school board. After all, why would you ever want people talking directly about the real problems facing our schools and our school district?"

Teacher 3: "Yup, and if the meek inherit the earth, I'm in for a couple hundred thousand acres."

Teacher 1: "I'd say 'perhaps,' but that would really mean sticking my neck out."

Board members wanted to praise Vanda for his wise decision to sign the long-term money-saving contract with "Timid Talks," but in the spirit of the initiative, each member just let the feeling pass.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Professional Development Planning
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to hear from District Director of Professional Development Dan Vanda and from Superintendent Hugh Shively.

District Director of Professional Development Dan Vanda updated the board on staff professional development plans for next year.

"Look, the truth is that we have no idea what is wrong with our schools. We have no clue about what causes our problems, and we're lost when it comes to deciding what we should do about them. And since we don't know any of that, we are willing to try just about anything. So we've been signing contracts left and right with outside providers of professional development who can offer us new goals, new visions, new principles, new lenses, new checklists, new prompts, and new acronyms.

"We are most excited about the people from Naerkinderen Consulting who promise to have us all speaking the same language for professional development. As we all know, when it comes to teacher professional development, a common language is very, very important. And while it will be incredibly expensive to fly in consultants from Belgium, we have decided that the district's new common professional development language will be Flemish."

The board then heard from Superintendent Hugh Shively.

"I am the captain of this Fuddle River ship and, if you don't mind, I'd like to stick with that metaphor as I share with you the truth about our district.

"Yes, we have had some big-time administrative resignations and firings lately, but when I said last week that those were just rats deserting our sinking ship, I misspoke. Okay, they were indeed rats, but the important truth is that our ship is not sinking. Our mast is broken, but we are not sinking.

"We've lost our rudder and we travel only in circles, but we are most definitely not sinking. We're down to hardtack and salt-pork, but we are not sinking. We are taking on water and it's hard to keep bailing, but we are not sinking.

"Today we are listing to the right and yesterday we were listing to the left, but we are not sinking. Yes, we are hopelessly lost and in the middle of a raging tempest, but sinking is not what we're doing. We may have struck a mine, and though it seems that we're going down, we are definitely not sinking. We may have been hit again and again by rogue waves, but that does not mean we are sinking.

"Sure, we were broadsided and boarded by pirates, but they all fell overboard when we ran aground. And still we are not sinking. There have been a few fires, but they are not sinking us. Pestilence? Sure. Termites and dry rot? Of course.

But we are not sinking. It is true that horrible diseases have ravaged the crew, but we are not sinking. I know the sharks are circling. And, yes, I know the captain is insane. But, in spite of that, in spite of everything, this ship is not - I repeat - NOT SINKING. Yet. Thank you."

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

International Academia Programme
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board heard this week from the high school leadership team regarding the high school's newest initiative.
The team reported that they had investigated the possibility of becoming the region's first school to offer the prestigious International Academia Programme. International Academia offers a very well-regarded, well-supported, interdisciplinary and research-based educational program. Certification by the International Academia Programme would make our high school one of the most attractive schools in the tri-county area. The non-profit International Academia Organization offers curriculum and a curriculum framework, assessment tools, extensive teacher professional development, international certification and program evaluation.

Earning certification by the International Academia Organization is a process that takes several years. The process would involve a great deal of teacher professional development and the hiring of an International Academia Programme coordinator. For an annual fee of $10,000, Fuddle River High School can become an "International Academia Organization Prospective School." Completing the International Academia Organization application and paying the $3000 application fee allows the school to become an "International Academia Organization Candidate School" for only $12,000 a year. Implementing the programme and then requesting the $18,000 site visit would move Fuddle River High School to an "International Academia Organization Applicant School" in the third year. By the fourth year and for only $120,000 for mandatory workshops, curriculum materials, licensing fees, site visits, certification fees, consultant fees, and online resources, Fuddle River High School would finally become an "International Academia Organization Certified School." And the district could renew the annual certification for only $25,000 a year.

Members of the high school leadership team were excited about what the International Academia Programme could do for the school, but they were concerned about the costs. The high school currently has less than $200 in its professional development budget and the district is looking at a possible $2 million budget shortfall next year.

With those bleak budget realities in mind, the team began to look for a more reasonably priced international certification program. And the team proudly reported that they found one: Bob's International Coalition of Pretty Good Schools. For only $25 a year Bob will list a school on his International Coalition of Pretty Good Schools website and he will also provide a free internet link to his list of "pretty good books" for professional development. And Bob will instantly certify a school without charges for being a prospective, applicant, or candidate school.

Upon hearing that news, the board immediately voted to approve that an application and a $25 check be sent to Bob next week.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Graffiti Reduction Program
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to hear from District Director of Buildings and Grounds Hank Teemer. Teemer has been collaborating with Elementary Principal Helen Dressen to develop a graffiti reduction program for the district.

"Graffiti at district sites has grown exponentially recently and, with our limited staff and budget, we are having a very difficult time keeping up with graffiti abatement," explained Teemer. "Most of our graffiti-vandals do their work with spray paint - which is very labor-intensive to remove or to cover. We know that it would be better to prevent spray paint graffiti vandalism than to remove it."

"We decided early that collaborating with the elementary was a good idea for two reasons," continued Teemer. "First of all, we want to catch our future graffiti vandals early. And secondly, we like the elementary teachers' and administrators' simple and straightforward approach to dealing with behavior issues."

"The program is really simple," added Dressen. "We have built and installed a number of kiosk-type booths at the most common areas within the school district for graffiti. At each booth is a district staff person who will listen to 'spoken graffiti.' We are trying to teach our graffiti vandals to convert their spray paint vandalism into spoken words. Elementary teachers often encourage students to 'use their words' instead of their actions and that is what we are trying to encourage with this
new program. That is why we call the program 'Say It - Don't Spray It.'"

Next week all Fuddle River teachers, administrators, and staff will wear 'Say It - Don't Spray It' t-shirts to school on Wednesday to promote the program.

"The only problem," explained Dressen, "we are having is that some of the district staff who have worked in the booths have been offended by the 'spoken graffiti.' And some students have reported that they have been the recipients of 'reciprocal spoken graffiti.' We do plan to work with our staff on that."

"Well, I would like to comment freely on this program," interrupted board member Fred Furnley, "I really would. But after a number of embarrassing statements, we've all been instructed by our district communications department to stick with the talking points that they craft for us. Their office was empty this evening, so I just grabbed what looked like talking points off of their desks. Anyway, let me begin my comments with this: pick up shirts from dry cleaners, groceries for Saturday, and don't forget dentist tomorrow at two."

"And If I may comment too," added board member Ethel Beckel, "two roast beefs, two tuna on rye, two turkey clubs, three fries and four of the big chocolate chip cookies."

"Susan from accounting called and would like you to get back to her today," offered board member Heather Thomkins.

"Three Diet Cokes, one black coffee, and a Sprite," added Beckel.

"Meeting on Tuesday with the idiots from the school board about talking points," Furnley concluded.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

False Start
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the progress of the "False Start" initiative at the middle school. Originally, the initiative was to be called "Fresh Start," but information sent to the district's communications office in April called it "False Start."

"I think that was a probably a Freudian slip," offered board member Fred Furnley, "because we really were trying to be deceitful about what we were doing."
"The problem," Furnley continued, "is that our all of our new staff in the communications office take everything so literally. We've replaced all of the independent-thinking staff in that office with overly-compliant types, so no one dared to question the title. And now it's in all our press releases, it's on our web site, and it's in all over our letters and brochures."

"But that's okay," interrupted board member Heather Thomkins. "We can spin our way out of this one. We'll spin so hard we'll give the entire district motion sickness. We can even compose talking points!"

"Anyway," offered board member Ethel Beckel, "the alleged point of the whole thing was that - to improve test scores and behavior at the middle school - we would 'reconstitute' the faculty at the school. The plan was to blame the teachers for district mistakes, poor administrative leadership, and for the nature of the students they serve. It should have worked just fine. All the teachers were 'excessed' and they had to re-apply for their jobs."

"But it turns out that their jobs were so difficult and so frustrating that none of the middle school teachers wanted their jobs back," continued Beckel. "And then we couldn't get anyone else in the district to apply for the jobs, and no one from outside the district wanted them either."

"So we had to recall all the teachers to their original positions and pay them each a $1000 bonus to return," added Furnley. "So, in the end, it seems that 'False Start' really is an accurate name for this initiative."

"We know now that almost all of the research says that these disruptive 'reconstitutions' make very little difference in improving schools," argued Beckel. "But that's not really why we did it. We didn't do it to improve the school. We did it to project blame for the problems of the school onto the teachers. And research does show that the district projection of blame onto teachers works over 73% of the time - over 82% of the time if the leaders look decisive when they do it. Now we're talking some serious data-based decision-making."

"Our plan for the middle school now," continued Beckel, "is to maintain the same district and building leadership and the same scattered building professional development - featuring a lot of different initiatives that have almost nothing in common and that serve as distractions from the real school issues of engagement, deep learning, and behavior management.

"And then," Thomkins injected, "if state test scores and student behavior still don't improve, we will 'Flesh Start' the school again - or was it 'French Start?' 'Frosh Start?' 'Flush Start?' 'Flash Start?' 'Fishflesh?...'

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

District Branding
The board met this week to review the consequences of the new district branding initiative. The board discussed concerns over the new district brand slogan and tagline. The original brand slogan was to be "Absolute Determination," a slogan that works well with the federal government's "No Child Left Behind."
"We wanted to put forward the image of hard working students, hard working teachers, hard working paraprofessionals, and hard working administrators," argued board member Fred Furnley. "We wanted our community to know that everyone here is absolutely determined to make every child successful."
The original tagline to accompany the brand slogan was "Preparing Students for Life in the 21st Century."

"And that was exactly the forward-looking goal that we needed to accompany our stated determination," continued board member Esther Krumpel. "The message was to be that we would be absolutely determined to get every child ready for his or her future. 'Absolute Determination: Preparing Students for Life in the 21st Century.' I loved it."

The district communications department reported that a typographical error transposed the 2 and the 1 in "21st" and that spell-check changed the "st" to "th." A spell-check correction then suggested another word to replace a misspelled "absolute." In the end, Fuddle River Schools ended up with "Obsolete Determination: Preparing Students for Life in the 12th Century."

That district slogan and tagline was then sent to all district vendors and contractors. The school district legal department is now looking into a lawsuit against Microsoft for the spell-check corrections.

The school district website now proudly proclaims "Obsolete Determination: Preparing Students for Life in the 12th Century" on each and every web page. And all district coffee cups, calendars, letterheads, brochures, and publications now feature the new slogan and tagline.

"I can't tell you how disappointed I am," stated Furnley, "that after a $200,000 effort, we are stuck with a really bad slogan and tagline. What are we supposed to do with 10,000t-shirts that say "Obsolete Determination: Preparing Students for Life in the 12th Century?"

"Spin, that's what we do," argued board member Ethel Beckel. "That's what we always do. Since we do not have the funds to undo what has been done, we have to put a positive spin on what we have. We have to use these lemons to make lemonade. Even if the lemons we have are nasty, moldy, rotting, and maggot-filled. We use what we have and we're making lemonade!"

"So, how do we prepare our students for life in the 12th Century?" asked Furnley. "What kind of technology are we talking? Why don't we just teach courses about that for a few years until we have funds to develop a new brand slogan and tagline?"

"Great idea!" shouted Beckel. "That's it. Here comes some stinking lemonade!"

"This is the time of the rise of the horizontal loom in Europe and I can see a number of FACS courses associated with that," offered board member Heather Thomkins.

"And Carthusian monks were doing percussion drilling of artesian wells in France in the 12th century. I could see some vocational courses related to that," added Furnley.

"Other industrial education courses could focus on the use of the rotary grindstone, windmills, and wheelbarrows," explained board member Hank Teinbaum.

"I know that rat-trapping started in the 12th century," offered Krumpel. "And I think that could be a wonderful science class. And other science courses could focus on the use of mirrors, magnets, and compasses."

"And health classes could focus on the use of hard cakes of soap - which were also developed in the 12th century," added Teinbaum.

"And we could finally offer the Middle English language course I've been dreaming about for years," offered Beckel. "As I always say, �ei bene rinkes aright..Too preeve..pypyng of birdes; �e ludene of �at language lelli �ei knowe."

"The 12th century also featured the first use of assembly lines for shipbuilding in Venice," stated Thomkins. "So now, for the first time, we'll be able to offer students mindless, repetitive work unrelated to state tests."

"And we won't even have to cut back on the paperwork we require from the teachers," added Beckel, "since paper was first mentioned in Europe in the early part of the 12th century. Wow, great ideas, everyone. This stinking lemonade might just work!"

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

The Superintendent's New Plan
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for the first public presentation of the Superintendent's new strategic plan. The plan, just recently unveiled to the public, had been in the works for over three years by the education leadership consulting firm of Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey.

Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey came to the district over three years ago with the promise that they would pull together the finest strategic plan ever developed for a school district. They warned district stakeholders early on that their strategic plan would be so forward-looking and so visionary that it would probably not be understood at all by ignorant people or by incompetent district employees.

With that understanding, an excited Superintendent Anderson immediately inked a three year contract with Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey.

Chet Hokum explained to the superintendent that, besides the fact that the strategic plan would make no sense to the ignorant and incompetent, it would also be made up of the most remarkable tactics and action steps known to modern man. With the first year's check in hand, and their own district expense account opened, Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey began their work.

After nearly a year of work, Superintendent Anderson sent Fuddle River's Director of Academics, Eugene Burns, to Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey for a progress report. Although he was unable to talk in any detail about the plan, Burns raved about the work of Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey.

"Oh, the strategy! The tactics! The vision! Remarkable!" he shouted across the table at an Executive Leadership Team meeting.

One year and $2.5 million later, District Director of Professional Development, Nancy Patchenko was sent to Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey for another progress report. She, too, returned with a rosy - albeit short in detail - report of the work on the strategic plan.

"They are sooooo brilliant!" Patchenko swooned. "Although I'm sure some will not be able to make any sense of their wonderful plan, it is just sooooo visionary. I can't believe how visionary! The strategy! The tactics! The vision! Remarkable!"

Finally, last month - after a total cost of $6.2 million - Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey presented their strategic plan to the superintendent in a closed meeting. After the meeting, the superintendent was visibly moved.

"What a plan!" he gushed. "I can't share any details at this point, but, wow! Talk about visionary! The strategy! The tactics! The vision! Remarkable!"

And then at this week's public board meeting, Superintendent Anderson made a presentation of the strategic plan to the board and the community. Members of the district Executive Leadership Team rose for a raucous standing ovation. "Bravo!" they shouted. "Marvelous! The strategy! The tactics! The vision! Remarkable!"

But a number of students at the board meeting for district-wide student council were not similarly impressed with the plan.

"I hate to admit my ignorance," offered fifth-grader Timmy Higgins, "but that strategic plan is a big load of pig slop. If I turned in a piece of junk like that to Ms. Fitzsimmons for language arts, she'd call my mom."

"And I may be incompetent and only eight years old, but that is the lamest plan I ever heard in my life," added fourth-grader Heather Timler. "What a mess. And we paid for that?"

"Who hired those guys?" asked third-grader Miguel Sanchez.

Soon other citizens at the board meeting began to chime in, and then district employees began to criticize the plan too. After twenty minutes of criticism, a red-faced Superintendent Anderson rose and shook his finger at the audience in the board room.

"Mark my words," he roared. "We will take care of any incompetents working for this school district!" Then, after composing himself, the superintendent continued.

"It looks like we have some work to do with the ignorant and incompetent in our school district. I was afraid of this, and Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey warned me about it. So I will be traveling throughout the school district for the next six months teaching all of our ignorant stakeholders about this marvelous strategic plan. And since I want to make a good impression, I have hired Hokum, Hoaks, and Hooey to create for me the most beautiful set of clothes to wear to my presentations. This will be one marvelous set of clothes and I have already sent Directors Burns and Patchenko, here, to check on the work so far."

"The fabric! The cut! The colors!" they raved.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Fuddle River Fall Festival
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board heard this week from elementary school Principal Helen Tisdale about last week's Fall Festival.

Tisdale reported that second-grader Amy Kercher needed to be resuscitated by Fuddle River EMTs after attempting to bob for pumpkins. It seems that she had
such a ferocious bite onto one of the pumpkins that she refused to let go, even when the pumpkin rolled. As a result, Amy was pulled her into the tank and under water for several minutes.

And the apple carving did not go well at all because of the use of the very small crab apples and the imprecise plastic knives. As a result, all of the award-winning carvings were actually just chewed apple cores.

Next year planners are already considering switching activities so that there will be a bobbing for apples activity and a pumpkin carving activity.

Tisdale also reported that it probably was a mistake to costume district security people as scarecrows when all of the candy-filled festival pi�atas were scarecrows. Tisdale reported several injuries, twelve macings, three taserings, and eight arrests resulting from attacks on security personnel by mobs of stick-swinging elementary students.

Finally, and on a more positive note, Tisdale reported that the Fall Festival's Scariest Costume Contest was won by fourth-grader Hector Sanchez. Hector was cleverly costumed as a giant state test form.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Managing Communication
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board heard first this week from Superintendent Hinkley regarding his new directive about limiting the number of initiatives in each school.

"I have heard from too many teachers," Hinkley reported, "that there are just too many things going on in their schools that take them away from their real work. At one school, teachers were able to quickly run off a twenty-item list of initiatives adopted by building leaders. That is crazy. No one can seriously implement that many new ideas at one time. In fact, they end up doing each so incompletely and so inadequately that it benefits no one. Too much time is being used up in meetings and on committees that we are losing track of our real mission - teaching and learning.

"So I am calling for each building to decide what their top two initiatives will be for this school year," Hinkley continued. "I want each faculty to meet to select members for an initiative committee and the faculty as a whole will complete surveys and have discussions in a number of meetings to reduce the number of initiatives in their buildings to ten.

"Then their initiative committee will meet and reduce the list to five and report back to the entire faculty at a meeting. Then there will be four more committee meetings, another round of surveys, and six more faculty meetings before the initiative committee completes and submits an application for approval of the final two initiatives to the district initiative approval committee."
Superintendent Hinkley also introduced the new director of communications and emphasized the importance of "managed communication."

"Look," argued Hinkley, "we're really not that incompetent; it's just that we've been allowed to look that way. By really taking control of our communications, we can avoid that unpleasant community perception in the future. And the communications department doesn't need to make us look good; they just have to avoid making us look bad."

With that, Hinkley introduced the new director of communications, Dr. Joseph Garbles. Garbles then shared with the board the new district communication policy of "Confounding Obfuscation."

"'Confounding Obfuscation' will be a great policy for this office and for this school district because blab blab blab yadda yadda blab blab blab. Blah blah blah. Yadda yadda blabbity-blab, blabbity-blab-blab.

"And let us be clear about blab blab blab blabbity blab. Yadda yadda yaddo boo. Blabbity-blab-blab blab-blab."

"Blah blah blabbity blab?" questioned board member Fred Furnley.

"Blah-blah blah-blah blap. Yadda yadda yadda yoyo," responded Garbles.

"Yoyo? Blab-blab blab-blabbity boo-boo. Blah blah bladda," offered board member Esther Crumpel.

"And blatta blab-a-bobbity blaya. Blabbity-blap," Garbles concluded.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Budget Shortfall
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the district's projected $1 million budget shortfall for next year. Board member Fred Furnley presented his efforts to reduce the shortfall.

"We have been cutting for years," Furnley shared. "We cut and we cut. There's nothing left to cut. We cannot raise class sizes again. We just cannot do that. Class sizes are already too high and our support staffing throughout the district is already dangerously low. So let's not think about cuts again. Let us, instead, think about doing something to raise revenues.

"Advertising and sponsorships have brought in much needed funds in the past," Furnley continued. "We have allowed advertising all over our outdoor stadium and all over our gymnasiums and auditoriums, and we have sold naming rights to all of those too. We have allowed advertising posters to be placed in our school hallways and in our school classrooms. We have sold print advertisements in our school newspaper, on our school web site, in our regular school publications, in the staff bulletin, and even on worksheets and tests. We have sold television commercials for our televised morning announcements and radio commercials for announcements made during the day. We have sold sponsorships for programs and awards, and we've even sold advertising spaces on our school buses.

"Now, some would say that we've used up every advertising option available to us," Furnley argued. "And just last week I would have been one of those people. But then it occurred to me - what do advertisers want and what would they be willing to pay top dollar for? Remember that this economic downturn is hurting them too. What they want is 'reach' and 'impressions.' They want their name to be spread both broadly and regularly in front of our students. Advertising in the school paper doesn't do that - not everyone reads it. Commercials on the morning announcement - just one time a day - don't do it either. So, to what are all of our students exposed every day in our schools - and many, many times each and every day?

"Consequences!" Furnley shouted. "Consequences for bad behavior at school. Every bad-behaving student is exposed to them, but every other student at school has to hear about them too. Selling advertising and sponsorships for consequences would be a gold mine for this school district! Imagine it! Well, you don't have to imagine it. I've already sold all the sponsorships and advertisements.

I sold sponsorships for regular consequences and some other stuff, and I sold sponsorships and print ads for consequences that have a special form or some sort of paperwork associated with them.

"So now," Furnley concluded, "all we have to do is approve the program and then teach everyone in the district the new names."

The board then reviewed Furnley's proposed list of sponsorships:

After a brief Randall Tire and Auto Discussion, the board held a Pace Hardware Vote and unanimously approved the new sponsorships.

And that's it this week from the Better Buy Electronics Fuddle River Schools.

Parent Advisory Council
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to consider approving a new high school support program proposed by the Fuddle River Parent Advisory Council. A presentation was made to the board by parent Beth McAlroy.

"We know," explained McAlroy, "that our high school already has a number of support programs for students - great programs aimed at getting our students ready for success in college.

"We have the 'Gear Up' program, sponsored by the Fuddle River Foundation, that provides a number of career counselors and mentors in the high school who do pullout counseling of students who are considering technical careers. Students involved in this program do miss some class time.

"We have the 'Start Planning' program, sponsored by Languid State University, that provides a number of mentors in the high school who do pullout mentoring of students who have not yet completed their post-secondary applications. Students involved in this program do miss some class time.

"We have the 'Go for It' program, sponsored by the Fuddle River Community and Technical College, that provides a number of tutors in the high school who do pullout tutoring of students who need to learn basic study skills. Students involved in this program do miss some class time.

"We have the 'Plan Ahead' program, sponsored by the State Technical Colleges Association, which provides a number of career counselors in the high school who do pullout counseling of students around career planning. Students involved in this program do miss some class time.

"The 'Reach Forward' program, sponsored by the State University System, is a pullout program that helps students complete the financial aid applications and financial planning they will need to do for their post-secondary educations. Students involved in this program do miss some class time.

"We also have the 'Move Up,' 'Step Up,' and 'Get Ready' programs, sponsored by the Fuddle River Business Community Foundation, Rivers Bend College, and the State Career Consortium Foundation. These pullout programs all have counselors who mentor those who would be the first generation in their families to attend college. Students involved in these programs also miss class time.

"So what we are proposing," concluded McAlroy, "is a new program that will develop in our students the assertiveness to tell the counselors and mentors in the other programs to leave them alone. We now have over eighty students who have missed so much class time gearing up, starting planning, going for it, planning ahead, reaching forward, moving up, stepping up, and getting ready that they are in danger of failing all of their current classes and missing graduation altogether. We are proposing the 'Back Off' program."

After some discussion about the number of pullout hours involved in the new program, the board voted unanimously to approve the "Back Off" program for the high school.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Stimulus Funds
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss how to use the federal stimulus money earmarked for education that will be coming to the district.

"We are not sure how much we will get," explained board member Fred Furnley, "but we have been assured by the state department of education that it will be in the millions - or tens of millions - and we have been told to plan big."

"Our biggest expenses have always been our personnel," offered board member Vernice Vicklestone. "And since the idea of the federal stimulus is to create jobs, I think it makes sense to use the funds to hire more teachers."

"Now hold on," interrupted Furnley, "we must also remember that it is our charge to raise the educational achievement of our students. Will more teachers and lower class sizes do that? I don't know. The research is very confusing. But I am determined to use these funds to do what we have said we will do - raise achievement - while at the same time creating good-paying employment opportunities in our community. And to that end, I have a plan.

"Did you know that every day 10-14% of our students go to class without a pen or pencil?" Furnley asked. "Do you know how hard it is to get your work done when you have nothing with which to write? Well I do. As a matter of fact I would like to borrow a pencil from someone for this meeting. Anyway, these poor pencil-less students are not purposefully arriving at class without a pen or pencil. They just forget. Or they lose the pen or pencil during the day. This can all be avoided with the hiring of a hundred or so pencil porters for the middle school and a couple hundred for the high school. These pencil porters could make sure that each and every student has a writing utensil for each and every class. How could that not increase achievement?

"And how many times has a student missed important information because someone in class was off-task and talking?" Furnley continued. "How much instructional time is lost by teachers who have to tell students to be quiet? Too many and too much. I suggest the hiring of several hundred shushers to be employed in classrooms all throughout the district.

"Ever miss an important point because you were sending a text instead of paying attention? Have you Vernice? I see you are texting right now during this meeting. Well, we can eliminate that drag on achievement by hiring a few hundred designated texters for the high school. They can send and receive text messages for the students so that our students can get back to their learning.

"We also have lost instructional time due to tardies because of middle and high school students dawdling in the halls during passing time. I think the hiring of some passing prompters could put an end to that problem," Furnley concluded.

The board will consider the proposal for a vote next week. In addition, board members were also encouraged to consider the hiring of awakeners for some of the really boring classes, and encouragers for the really rigorous classes.

Bonuses
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss a plan for the use of federal government stimulus funds. Chair Fred Furnley opened the discussion.

"People in this community have been saying for years and years that this school district should behave more like private sector organizations. And after witnessing the kind bonuses that were handed out recently at AIG, I wholeheartedly agree. Look, they paid millions of dollars in bonuses to executives who lost billions of dollars in bad investments. They threatened the viability of their company and the entire economy of the United States and they got bonuses for it. Bonuses for bad decisions? Hello? I may be wrong, but I believe that my bad decisions on this board in the last few years have got to be worth in the high six-digits. And don't think I can't stimulate some economy with those kinds of dollars.

"And as a board," Furnley continued, "we must be worth millions and millions in bad-decision bonuses. I say we vote tonight to spend the stimulus money on bonuses for school board members."

"But what if the federal government rules say that we cannot use the money that way?" questioned board member Ethel Beckel.

"Well, then that's just one more bad decision by us," replied Furnley. "And, heck, it's probably worth another ten grand each!"

The board then voted unanimously to approve Furnley's spending plan.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.

Budget Crisis
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to hear Superintendent Clipton's recommendation for solving the district's current budget crises.

"Our budget is a mess," Clipton explained, "It looks like the state is going to make another huge cut in the per-pupil funding that accounts for most of our funds. And that would leave us either millions of dollars in the hole or with giant class sizes in every school. Well, I don't like either of those two options. Therefore, my recommendation is that we close all of our schools and run only a district office. Heck, the district office is where I work and spend all my time and everyone I've talked to at the district office thinks this is a great idea. We run a school district office, and we get rid of all the schools. With the excess levy referendum money we have and the federal stimulus funds we're expecting, we'll be just fine for a few years."

"I don't get it," interrupted board member Ethel Beckel. "What will go on at this district office if there are no schools?"

"Oh, we'll still be busy with plenty of meetings every day, and lots of agendas, and policy proposals, and recommendations, and paperwork, and all that stuff," replied Clipton. "Our work would be just as ineffectual and futile as it is now, but without that nagging hope that we could accomplish something important for education. Think about how liberating that would be. I think it's high time our district office people got a much-needed break from all their work stress. The important thing will be to keep talking about schools and schooling so that we keep the name and keep the funds flowing in."

"Wait a minute," interrupted board member Fred Furnley. "Are you saying that there will be no students and none of the problems typically associated with large numbers of young people?"

"And," continued Furnley, "are you saying that there will be no parents either - and none of problems typically associated with large numbers of bossy and demanding people?"

"And," added Beckel, "are you saying that there will be no teachers - and none of problems typically associated with large numbers of highly educated and opinionated people?"

"And," offered board member Phyllis Stockton, "are you saying that there will be no state test scores to look at and no test-prep training with which to punish our students?"

"Genius!" shouted Furnley as the entire board broke into a standing ovation for the superintendent. The board will vote next week on his budget recommendation.

And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.