Learning Laffs' Fuddle River Schools
Archive
KISS A PIG
ENVIRONMENT WEEK
FITNESS FESTIVAL
THE BUDGET
BOOK WEEK
TEACHER OBSERVATIONS
THE CAMPAIGN
THE GRADING POLICY
BUMPER STICKERS
NODDY PINE
POLICY CHANGES
THE LOGO
THE ATTENDANCE POLICY
THE SCIENCE FAIR
TEACHER TIPS
GIFTED AND TALENTED
THE REFERENDUM
THE MISSION STATEMENT
SCHOOL-TO-WORK
TARDIES
TEAM NAMES
INCENTIVES
STANDARDS
TECHNOLOGY
QUARTSTAR
GOALS
ADVERTISING
FADS
BUDGET WOES
PURCHASING
MOVING
THE SUPERINTENDENT
HALL PASS POLICY
DISTRICT WORKSHOP
LOCK THE DOORS
STANDARDS REVISIONS
ASSESSMENT TESTS
STATE AUDIT
DISTRICT HEDGEMASTER
SECURITY
EDUCATION MAINTENANCE
CLASS SIZES
LASER POINTERS
MORE TEACHER TIPS
WINTERFEST
FUDDLEFEST
FACULTY LOUNGE
NEW TERMINOLOGY
HIDDEN AGENDAS
HOME-SCHOOL COMMUNICATION
HALL MONITORS
TEACHER-PARENT CONFERENCE TIPS
PERSONNEL ITEMS
TESTING
SPONSORS
CLASSROOMS ON WHEELS
REPENTANCE
TEST PROTEST
TURN ON THE TV
STATE TEST ERRORS
BACK-TO-SCHOOL NIGHT
THE TEACHER SHORTAGE
THE NO-HOMEWORK POLICY
TEXTBOOK ERRORS
THE ENERGY CRISIS
ANNUAL JOKE CONTEST
BACKPACKS
MORE BUDGET CUTS
TEAM BUILDING
SURVEY
MEDIA CENTER
BIOLOGICAL THREATS
SCHOOL REDESIGN
LAPTOPS
STATE TEST
SPELLING BEE
SCHOOL CALENDAR
NEW DISTRICT OFFICE
PLAYGROUNDS
NAMING RIGHTS
SCHOOL SUPPLY UPDATES
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
TEACHER WORKLOADS
SIMULATED WINTER
DISTRICT AWARDS
TEACHER SHORTAGE
ANNUAL JOKE CONTEST #2
MORE APOLOGIES
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
FIRST DAY TEACHER TIPS
NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND
HELPER MONKEYS
FUNDRAISERS
TESTING AT GRADE LEVEL
CASINO DAY
OBSERVANCES
REPORT CARD COMMENTS
HONOR ROLL
NEW MATERIALS
THE LOTTERY
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. It has been an exciting week in the district. Building leaders have been encouraging and challenging district students to demonstrate their devotion to learning and achievement.
Earlier this year, Principal Tom Tolfson at the elementary school promised to kiss a pig if his students read over 500 books. The students were up to the challenge. On Monday, during an assembly in the gymnasium, Tolfson kissed a pink and black two-year-old sow named Alice. The students were ecstatic. Tolfson was quoted as saying, "That wasn't so bad." Alice the pig was unavailable for comment.
Middle school principal Arlene Marlene promised that she would allow students to toss a pie in her face and make herself available at the school festival "dunk tank" if student average daily attendance improved by 10% in the third quarter of the school year. Middle school students responded to the challenge and attended school in record numbers. Some teachers had to call maintenance for additional desks when all of their students started showing up for class. At the school festival on Tuesday Marlene took a banana cream pie in the face from Missy Hopkins, and a swim in the dunk tank compliments of middle school shortstop Jason Kroser. Said Marlene, "The banana cream gave me an awful rash, but the cold dunk tank water really helped stop the itching."
High school principal Hugh Batson promised that if students would give up 10,000 hours of television, he would allow them to tar and feather him and ride him out of town on a rail. Despite some controversy over how the hours given-up would be counted and logged, students apparently avoided television like never before. Wednesday in the football stadium students cheered as Batson was stripped down to his thermals, tarred and feathered, tied to a rail, and hustled off down Front Street. As Batson and his rail were dragged past Duncan's Drug Store on the way to the city limits, the principal was heard to exclaim, "I'll - oogh - do anything - easy now - to help these kids make better decisions!"
District leaders were elated with the results. At Thursday's board meeting assistant superintendent Fran Fregley was quoted as saying, "I am very impressed with the power of self-humiliation to help students do the kind of things we all think they should be doing." Fregley is even considering allowing students to burn her at the stake next year if standardized test scores improve.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River School District. It's been another big week. Last week all the schools focused on the environment.
The elementary school held a balloon release. They attached special "do not pollute" messages to helium filled balloons and set them free. In all, over 4000 balloons were released. Sixth-graders spent a morning picking up garbage around the school. They had collected over 2000 pounds of garbage before they were reminded that the garbage pick-up was to be done outside of the school. Luckily, most of Mrs. Lerter's worksheets were recovered, as were Mr. Thorton's textbooks.
A recycling drive at the middle school brought in several hundreds of dollars in aluminum cans. Our thanks go to the Emil and Ethel Barton of River Valley for their truckload of beer cans. And special thanks to their neighbor Tom Crumlin for being the designated driver. The eighth-graders held a rally at Morton Park to encourage community members to drive their cars less to reduce the amount of greenhouse gases released into the environment. The rally was at Morton Park because of construction projects at all the parks in our county. Despite the 30 mile drive, over 200 parents drove their children to the event. It's encouraging to see such parental support.
High school science students spent part of the day testing the water in Jambalaya Creek, where they discovered that the stream water was not fit for human consumption. Cards and best wishes are still being accepted at the Fuddle River Community Hospital, and most of the students are expected to be home by the weekend. Students from the high school horticultural class dedicated a garden in the courtyard. Wild flowers were planted in the shape of a giant "E" for "Earth." Generous applications of herbicides and pesticides will guarantee the class' contribution to the earth will endure for generations to come.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. Fuddle River Middle School celebrated their Fitness Festival on Thursday. The Fitness Festival, one of hundreds held nationwide last week, was organized to help students understand the importance of physical fitness in their lives. National organizers of Fitness Festivals hope to stem the rising rates of child and adolescent obesity, and they hope the Fitness Festivals encourage students to reform their sedentary lives.
In honor of the Fitness Festival, middle school administrators shut down the school's escalators in an effort to provide more opportunities for exercise between classes. Middle school teachers were encouraged to give out more hall passes than usual for the day in an effort to get students out walking. However, this generous hall pass policy had to be cancelled after a group of students with hall passes gathered in front of the main office to loudly protest the fact that the escalators had been shut down.
Middle School students spent the first three periods of the day watching videos about the importance of physical fitness and physical activity in their lives. The students lounged and snacked while watching videos that encouraged them to spend less time in front of the television and more time playing fun physical games outdoors with their friends. One video showed how students could organize and play games in their own neighborhoods. Students were fascinated by the historical fact that children and adolescents in the past actually played sports and games without adult involvement.
Just before lunch, students were brought to the auditorium for health teacher Heather Branford's special "Food for Fitness" presentation. She encouraged students to eat less fat and processed sugar and more fruits and vegetables. The students thought the presentation was hilarious and they roared with laughter as they were released to the lunchroom where they ate a hearty meal provided by the school's regular lunchroom vendors - Pizza Pan, Bonkers Burgers, Tico's Tacos, and Sam's Sugar Shak.
Afternoon activities involved computer games in both the computer lab and the media center. While students sat motionless watching computer-created images of characters involved in physical play, they were encouraged to imagine what it would be like to actually experience activities that promoted cardiovascular fitness.
Students were also encouraged to browse the media center to search for books about sport heroes, adventurers, and physical fitness. However, most of the students ended up lying around on the floor, waiting for their turns near the computer "card catalog" terminals.
Near the end of the day, the students were surveyed about their reactions to this first Fitness Festival. Several students expressed interest in another festival, but only if there was less moving around and only if the escalators were working. Many complained that they had to walk all the way across their classroom to pick up the survey and that, after filling it out, they would have to walk all the way across the room again to turn it in. Some complained about the rigorous pencil sharpening that was involved in completing the survey.
The culminating activity for the Fitness Festival was to be the field and track competition in the football stadium, but students were so exhausted by the 500-yard walk to the stadium that they spent the last two hours of the day napping under the bleachers instead.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board of the Fuddle River Schools met in a special session this week to consider a variety of issues concerning the district's dire budget projections for the next two years. Board member Lee Burley reported on the fine work of the five new budget officers hired to supervise the district's general fund. Over the year, the budget officers have saved the district almost $60,000. However, the budget officers' fine work had resulted in merit payments to them that have cost the district over $97,000.
Board member Fred Furnley explained that it was too late to cancel the board's recent order of a laptop computer for each teacher, but he did remind the board that all of the teachers' desks could now be sold. Furnley also reported that, by pairing students who actually do homework with students who never do homework, the district will be able to cut in half textbook orders for next year.
Board member Shirley Hanover addressed the costs of paper, copying, and consumables. She proposed that each student be limited to five sheets of paper for each class next year. She proposed eliminating all district copy machines and ordering carbon paper in bulk. Hanover also proposed that students write only with pencils in their workbooks so that all workbooks could be erased and used again for the next year. Hanover suggested evaluating the cost of adding two days to the next years' school calendar for erasures.
Board member Tom Tumpkin suggested the use of video rentals instead of hiring substitute teachers. Under Thumkin's plan, when a classroom teacher is absent, a class would watch movies in the teacher's absence. He proposed hiring part-time ushers from the River Valley Cineplex to supervise classes that have their teacher absent. The usher would be available at a lower cost than certified substitute teachers would, and one usher could cover several classes at a time. On a separate issue, Tumpkin reported that a school lunch will probably cost each student over $9.00 next year, but that the district is looking into the possibility of accepting all major credit cards.
The last recommendation was made by board member Vernice Vicklestone. She proposed the elimination of funds for registration, transportation, and lodging at teacher workshops, conventions, and conferences. She cited the high costs of this kind of professional development and recommended evaluating less costly approaches. The board will consider all of these recommendations on their annual weeklong retreat in Las Vegas, Nevada.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River School District. It's been another busy week in the district. This past week was our annual "Book Week" and all of the schools featured activities related to books.
Elementary students watched an award-winning video about the importance of reading books. Principal Tolfson distributed tapes of public television's "The Reading Place" for all of the students to watch at home. Students also participated in a building project in the school library. Students used books as blocks to build a model of Fuddle River's downtown. Librarian Nora Hunkner explained that the activity was important for developing the students' tactile affinity for books.
A drawing was held at the middle school to give away a dozen personal cassette players and books-on-tape. Winners are now able to listen to some of the great books available at many of the areas' video rental stores. Woodshop students created a sculpture featuring a giant stack of books. The sculpture was then used for a skateboarding exhibition by the Bugner brothers, Thor and Keiffer. Afterwards, the sculpture was dismantled and burned for the big "Book Week" bonfire on the middle school fields.
High school students watched some of the greatest movies that were ever made into books. Mr. Lyrkman, the tenth grade English teacher, gave a talk about the novelization process.
The computer lab staff took advantage of the new Internet connection by accessing some of the summaries and reviews of novels that are now available from cyberspace.
Thanks to all of the hard work in the district, the week was a success. Exciting plans for next year's "Book Week" are already underway. Some are even recommending the actual reading of books.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week and formally endorsed the new guide to teacher observations. Building administrators developed the guide to give teachers a better idea of what administrators are looking for when they observe classes. The guide serves as a checklist to help teachers know what "good signs" and what "possible causes for concern" might be noted by administrators. Some examples from the checklist:
Good Sign: The teacher enters the room immediately after the bell rings and begins the day's lesson.
Possible Cause for Concern: The teacher enters the room immediately after the bell rings and tries to hide in the file cabinet.
Good Sign: The teacher explains to the students the purpose of today's lesson.
Possible Cause for Concern: The teacher begins the lesson with a summary threat.
Good Sign: The room is clean and tastefully decorated. Bulletin boards display a seasonal theme.
Possible Cause for Concern: The EPA has declared the room an environmental disaster area.
Good Sign: The walls of the classroom are covered with students' work.
Possible Cause for Concern: The walls of the classroom are covered with students' words.
Good Sign: The teacher works from a typed-out lesson plan.
Possible Cause for Concern: The teacher works from scribbles made on a bar napkin.
Good Sign: The teacher's voice is respectful, genuine, and warm.
Possible Cause for Concern: The teacher's voice is shrill and grating.
Good Sign: Students work collaboratively in small groups.
Possible Cause for Concern: Students work conspiratorially in small groups.
Good Sign: Students often address one another directly during class discussion.
Possible Cause for Concern: Students often address one another directly during the teacher's lecture.
Good Sign: The teacher's classroom discipline plan is proactive.
Possible Cause for Concern: When there is a discipline problem, the teacher pulls the fire alarm.
Good Sign: Students are actively involved in the lesson.
Possible Cause for Concern: Students are actively involved in dismantling the classroom.
Good Sign: The teacher walks around the classroom answering questions as the students work.
Possible Cause for Concern: The teacher watches "The Young and the Restless" on television as the students work.
Good Sign: The teacher has developed individualized assessment tools to accurately evaluate each student's work.
Possible Cause for Concern: The teacher instructs the students to staple their bribes directly to their papers.
Good Sign: At the end of the lesson the teacher has one of the students summarize the learning for the day.
Possible Cause for Concern: At the end of the lesson the teacher wakes the students and sends them on their way.
Good Sign: The teacher spends time in the hallway interacting positively with the students as they pass.
Possible Cause for Concern: The teacher spends passing time in the lounge griping about the administration.
Greetings from Fuddle River School District. It's been another busy week in the district. This past week we've been focusing on the district's new approach to education. We call our new campaign "Quality Unilateral Administrative Goals Method In Restructuring Education," or "QUAGMIRE." QUAGMIRE posters and sweatshirts have been distributed throughout the district, and promotional literature has been sent to all stakeholders. Ninth-grade artist Benny Phillips has developed a cartoonish QUAGMIRE mascot, and it enlivens the posters, sweatshirts, and literature. Other names were suggested for the campaign, but they were removed from consideration because of the cartoonishly inappropriate mascots Benny Phillips developed for them. Currently, the process for selecting campaign names, acronyms, and mascots is under review.
It is important to remember that QUAGMIRE is not about what we do, but about how we do it. This new campaign is about focusing on our processes.
All three buildings in the district have been involved in implementing the QUAGMIRE campaign. The high school has implemented "Decision Making for Makers of Decisions." This is a process based on a shared understanding of the value of the decision to be made and valuing the process for making decisions. While the staff has not actually decided on which of several decision making processes to use, many staff have expressed anticipation and excitement for the opportunity to actually make future decisions.
Middle school staff attended a four-hour workshop that explored the difference between consensus-seeking and consensus-building. Although teachers agreed that the workshop was not worthwhile, they did reach consensus for the first time in thirteen years. It was unclear, however, whether the consensus was sought or built.
Elementary teachers worked together on "Improving Communication Throughout the District for Decision Making." While the teachers were unable to come up with any goals for their program, and were unable to provide any documentation of their four hours of work, their uses of decision-making and communication processes were exemplary. Their entire work session was to be videotaped, but a process for videotaping work sessions has not yet been established.
District leaders met to establish an accountability program for site-based decision making. When decisions are made at the site level, within the parameters and restrictions provided by the district Lead Team, the "Foundations of Accountability Under the Lead Team (FAULT)" process will be implemented. The FAULT process assures stakeholders that site-level decision-makers will be held accountable not only for the outcomes of their decisions, but also for the process of their decisions. The FAULT process also involves the implementation of a site-level accountability process known as "Balanced Lateral Accountability Method of Evaluation (BLAME)."
When all the schools have finished their preliminary work, and FAULT and BLAME are established, we will find ourselves deep in the QUAGMIRE we've created.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board of Fuddle River Schools has established a new grading policy designed to reduce student failures. Starting next quarter, no student can receive a failing grade unless the teacher has followed the appropriate procedures to inform both student and parent. The procedures are designed to allow for parent participation and parental intervention to avoid student failures.
Students in danger of failing are to be verbally informed of the possible failure at school in the presence of at least three other witnesses. The failing student is required to sign - in triplicate - a written notification of possible failure. In addition, each of the witnesses must sign a notarized statement stating that they too have heard and understand the verbal warning of possible failure.
Next, a parent must be notified of a student's possible failure. Teachers are to send home three notices of possible failure. One will be sent in a regular school envelope, one will be sent as registered mail, and one will be sent in the double-secret decoy envelope used to foil students who filter their parent's mail. In addition, teachers must make a tape-recorded phone conversation informing each parent of the possible failure of the child. Teachers must keep on hand a copy of all documents and tapes. Additional copies and tapes must be placed in the bank safety deposit box provided for each teacher by the district. Record keeping is paramount, for if a teacher cannot verify and document that all procedures have been followed, a student may not receive a failing grade.
If in spite of all interventions and parent notifications, a student does receive a failing grade, the teacher is to walk the student home and remain at the home until verbal and written notification of a parent can be made. This notification is to be videotaped. Witnesses and notarized signatures are required to document this notification.
All indications are that this is a very promising approach to ending student failures. A poll of teachers found unanimous agreement that the policy would result in very few students receiving failing grades. Milt Meltor, a veteran teacher at the middle school, said that he didn't think he would have another student even in danger of failing as long as the policy is in force. That is good news indeed - and testimony to the fine work of the educational policy-makers at Fuddle River Schools.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week the board of Fuddle River Schools considered a variety of issues.
Board member Fred Furnley brought up the issue that 95% of Fuddle River's students are now on the honor roll, and that the costs of the "My child is on the honor roll" bumper stickers have become prohibitive. Furnley suggested dropping the current bumper stickers, and instead ordering the "My child is not yet on the honor roll" bumper stickers. This change would require bumper stickers for only 5% of Fuddle River's students and would save substantial funds. The board will rule on this issue at its next regularly scheduled meeting.
Board member Shirley Hanover suggested changing the high school graduation ceremony. She proposed that graduating students demonstrate their learning by requiring each to individually solve a word problem on the podium to earn a diploma. She proposed that graduating seniors be referred to as "diploma contestants" and that Bob Barker be contracted to serve as master of ceremonies. The board will debate Ms. Hanover's proposal in their next work session.
The high school social studies department has been working with a publisher that allows teachers to design their own textbooks. This new process allows teachers to eliminate all of the publisher's material that is considered unnecessary and enables teachers to make sure the material they consider important is included in the text. The department has developed a 3245 page text for American history and a 3567 page text for American government. As designed, each textbook will cost over $459. The board will review the costs. The board directed the social studies department to study how thirty students in each class will be able to share one textbook and to study how students can help each other to carry the textbook home when necessary.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The district is proud to announce a new relationship with our colleagues from upriver - the Noddy Pine School District. This year, we will be partnering with Noddy Pine to develop new and innovative practices. Along with Fuddle River Schools, Noddy Pine has traditionally been among the leading districts in the state when it comes to educational initiatives. The accomplishments at Noddy Pine are enough to give one pause.
Noddy Pine has established a new attendance policy where students report their own attendance each day. The program has freed both teachers and administrators from the day-to-day burdens of tracking student attendance. Preliminary findings show that not only does reported attendance approach 100% on any given day, but somehow the policy has resulted in relief from the classroom overcrowding that Noddy Pine had been experiencing.
Noddy Pine has been able to receive funding from the textile industry for an expansion of their sewing classroom. Students serving detentions work at the machines for hours after school producing clothing that is sold to a leading apparel company. The profits from their work are then available for use by the school district. This new line of apparel line has been tentatively named "Sweatshop Sweats."
Noddy Pine teachers have been using peer coaching to improve their teaching methods. One focus has been on extending teacher wait time to improve student thinking. Teachers are enthusiastically extending their wait time. The district proudly reports that a mathematics teacher who asked a question last April is still waiting for a student answer.
Team teaching has also been an initiative at Noddy Pine. Teachers are experimenting with a method known as "team lecturing," where each individual in a teaming pair of teachers takes turns presenting material. So far, they have discovered that student attention has been much improved when two teachers take turns saying every other sentence and when they take turns saying every other word. Noddy Pine has applied for state grant money to provide the additional preparation time needed to prepare and practice this type of lecture.
District leaders are excited about our new collaborative partnership with the fine professionals at Noddy Pine. We look forward to welcoming Noddy Pine educators in our schools and we look forward to visiting the Noddy Pine schools. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board of Fuddle River Schools met this week to approve a new policy regarding policy changes. In the past, changes to long-standing school and school district policies have been made somewhat indiscriminately on the basis of stakeholder complaints. The board has also been frustrated by the rumor circulating in the local community that it only takes one angry parent to change a policy. The board's new policy was designed both to address community concerns and to provide some consistency to district and school policies. The new policy clearly outlines the requirements to change any school or school district policy. The requirements vary from policy to policy. Below is a list of policies and the necessary requirements for a change to a policy of each type.
o Transportation Policies - six angry parents, two concerned parents, three disappointed un-bused students, and two exasperated mis-bused students.
o Attendance Policies - five perturbed parents and three angry employers of school-aged workers.
o Academic Policies - three angry parents of gifted and talented students or eight parents - as long as two are parents of gifted and talented students, or ten parents - as long as one is the parent of a gifted and talented student. Otherwise, it takes twelve parents of un-gifted and non-talented students.
o Teacher Grading Policies - one very angry parent or three very sad students.
o Commencement Policies - five angry parents or one curious reporter from the local newspaper.
o Weapons Policies - three angry parents and two incensed NRA lobbyists.
o Co-Curricular Academic Eligibility Policies - one angry coach, one disappointed student, two angry parents, and three indignant college recruiters.
The board advises administrators to develop a program to keep track of stakeholder complaints for each school and school district policy. The board voted unanimously to keep this new policy-changing policy in force until and unless fifteen angry parents, twenty-two miffed students, and thirteen disapproving community members voice their complaints. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. Last night the Fuddle River school board heard from concerned community members regarding the new school district logo. The logo was the result of many months of research and development by two hired consultants and the district's logo committee.
The board heard from Ethel Fulstrom who voiced her concern that the wording at the top of the logo is an unflattering description of the students Fuddle River serves. The board assured Mrs. Fulstrom that "challenging" is what the educators do to the students and is not meant to be descriptive of the students themselves.
Local Chiropractor David Lamborn was critical of the figure in the symbol that is shown reaching for the stars. Lamborn contends that the figure models an unhealthy kind of reach that can result in years of chronic back pain. Others expressed concern over the stars in the logo, fearing an implied reference to Satan, the occult, or to Proctor & Gamble.
The board expressed its regrets to all who opposed the new logo, but voted unanimously to keep the logo. As board member Henry Gullickson put it, "We have too much invested in his logo to change it now - heck - I've already ordered four sweatshirts myself."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week the board voted to approve a new attendance policy for the high school. The board of Fuddle River Schools and the staff at Fuddle River High School are proud of their work on the new attendance policy. All involved feel that the new coercive policy will improve overall attendance without the costly investment in curriculum development, staff training, and interdisciplinary teaming that is needed to actually attract students to school. The new policy was presented to the board by the high school attendance committee and Associate Principal Drew Barkley.
The policy is based on two kinds of absences - excused and unexcused. Excused absences are absences that are pre-arranged or absences that are due to illness. Pre-arranged absences include field trips, co-curricular trips, college visits, and family trips. Pre-arranged absences must be certified on the school pre-arranged absence form at least five school days before the absence occurs. If students or staff forget to fill out the pre-arranged absence form, these absences may also be certified two school days after the absence occurs. In this case they will use the post-pre-arranged absence form.
A parent must confirm absences due to illness. "Sick of School" is not a recognized illness. A list of recognized illnesses is available in the high school office. Parents must notify the school of an absence due to illness either in writing or by phone call. The school will keep parent voiceprints and handwriting samples on file in the attendance office.
Students who are absent due to illness will have 48 hours from the time of their first absent minute to get an absence excused by a parent. If the deadline is missed - even by seconds - the absence is unexcused. The school attendance office has purchased over five hundred 48-hour hourglasses, one for each student. These lovely handcrafted oak and crystal hourglasses can be seen on display in the new Attendance Wing of the high school.
Unexcused absences are absences that are not pre-arranged, absences that are not post-pre-arranged, absences that are not due to illness, and absences due to illness that were not excused within the 48-hour period. Unexcused absences do not include absences that were previously unexcused but changed to "officially excused" due to parent and/or legal pressure on the appropriate school district official or employee.
Students who are unexcused will not be able to make up the individual work, group work, or tests that they missed on the day of their unexcused absence. According to Associate Principal Barkley, "Withholding cognitive growth, pro-social interaction, skill development, and assessment feedback, is the best way to turn these students' lives around."
For every unexcused absence, a student will lose one letter grade in that class. In this way, grades on report cards will reflect attendance problems. In fact, those with many unexcused absences can even earn a grade as low as "T," "Y," or "Z." Most students will be dropped from a class after their fourth unexcused absence and it is possible for students to be dropped from all of their classes due to unexcused absences. In addition, the student will receive a one-day suspension for each and every unexcused absence. "We feel that the best way to get students to attend school regularly," Associate Principal Barkley asserted, "is to make them stay home if they don't."
The board voted unanimously to approve the new policy. Board member Fred Furnley praised the high school attendance committee for their fine work, and added, "The real beauty of the policy is that it will eliminate student truancies by turning truancies that can be excused into excused absences, and by turning truly truant students into dropouts."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week was our elementary school science fair. Many interesting projects and exhibits were presented. First place went to Betty Thomkins, who did a computer-assisted multivariate analysis of the causes, duration, and effects of timeouts given at school compared to timeouts given at home.
Second place was won by Shane Feingol, who developed a universal garage door opener that can operate garage doors of any brand, make, or model. Unfortunately, Shane was unable to accept his award as he was being questioned at police headquarters concerning a rash of garage burglaries in his neighborhood. Missy Jessman won third place. She developed a synthesis of evolution and creation science, and proved that humans evolved from an apple tree in the Garden of Eden.
Other students won honorable mention for their projects. Among them was Phillip Pankpatz, who wired his VCR to his microwave oven, and was able to tape several meals. Another was Tommy Fitzhog, who had a display featuring photographs of Bernoulli's principal and assistant principal. Other interesting entries included Roger Plinkton's exhibit of an escaped alien being. This exhibit featured a cage with a hole ripped in it. Unfortunately, the judges were unable to talk with Roger. He refused to answer any questions, stating that he feared for his life, and that government agents were closing in on him.
Another interesting entry was Crystal Waffel's exhibit of Flintstones tools and appliances - including the elephant vacuum and bird can-opener. Crystal's exhibit was dismantled after picketing by animal rights groups threatened to shut down the entire science fair. In spite of the controversy, all concerned considered the fair a great success for Fuddle River Elementary School.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
"When I have important information that must go home with the students, I send the students home with special 'I Have News from School' baseball caps on their heads. The caps alert parents to ask their child for any information they may have brought home from school. The students bring the caps back to school the next day, and all of the caps are collected and put away in a big box until the next time information must be sent home. I've only lost a few caps in the three years I've been doing this. Lately I've been using this method quite often to convey news to parents of a terrible head lice epidemic in our class."
o Fran Frebstach, FRES
"Every day I give my students a long test. It keeps them on their toes and gives me lots of time to work at my desk creating the next test."
o Lorraine Loweberg, FRHS
"In my traffic safety lesson, students learn to 'Stop, Look, and Listen' before crossing a street. In my fire safety lesson, students learn to 'Stop, Drop, and Roll' if they ever catch on fire. I used to teach both lessons in the same week every fall until I realized the confusion it created. Last fall, several of my students were injured when they stopped, dropped, and rolled across the street in front of the school. Therefore, I now teach my traffic and fire safety lessons at different times of the year."
o Sue Portermann, FRES
"After many years of teaching, I noticed that attendance in my classes was always better when I had a substitute teacher or when I showed a video. Now I wear a disguise at least three times a week and I show a video just about every day. Attendance has never been better."
o Gary Tuckpants, FRMS
"We check and correct homework daily. Those who don't do their homework must turn in a paper with their name, date, and the reason their work is not done. Then I put all the excuses together in book form and sell them to students at the end of the term. I'm using the profits to fund my early retirement."
o Roxanne Baldron, FRMS
"I believe that teaching proper moral values in my class is so important that I reinforce each of my moral values lessons with a slogan and a slogan button for each student. I teach my students lessons about the moral issues involved with being honest, cooperating, cheating, stealing, being respectful, being fair, being responsible, and caving into peer pressure. I make up a slogan for each lesson myself. Students really like the slogan buttons. You can be sure you're looking at young people who know right from wrong when you see my students walking around proudly wearing their 'just do it,' 'do it, just do it,' 'don't even think about doing it,' 'don't do it ever,' 'do it all the time,' 'just do it, really do it,' 'really, really do it,' and 'just don't ever do it' buttons."
o Penny Opperhatz, FRES
"The last project of the term in my high school sewing class is a sporty designer-type sweatshirt. For the closure activity, students are to embroider a large red capital letter on the front of the sweatshirt to represent the grade they earned in the course. In spite of the fact that the girls' grades start to slip as we begin this activity, and that none of the girls has ever managed to earn an "A" in the course, everyone seems to like the activity and they do really nice work."
o Heather Telsmeer, FRHS
"I like to start each class period with a moment of silence, unless I have a real quiet group of students one period. In that case, I start the class with a moment of mayhem."
o Dave Golfespie, FRHS
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met for its regular meeting this week. Gifted and Talented Coordinator Josey Bassfield presented to the board her proposal to revamp the Gifted and Talented Program. Bassfield recommends creating more categories within the "gifted and talented" designation to accommodate more targeted programming for the children. She outlined the new categories as "marginally gifted," "moderately gifted," "exceptionally gifted," and "severely gifted." Bassfield also recommended changing the program name to "gifted and/or talented" because some students are gifted but not talented and some are talented but not really gifted. The board then suggested that "un-gifted," "untalented," "marginally talented," "moderately talented," exceptionally talented," and "severely talented" categories be created so that each child in the program can be identified at an appropriate level of giftedness and talentedness. Bassfield was then directed to write up descriptions for each of the possible identifications and possible combinations of identifications. She will then report back to the board.
Board member Lee Burley reported on the new state budget, and it looks like another tight year for the state's school districts. After Burley complained about the state spending much more money each year to incarcerate people than to educate people, member Shirley Hanover suggested that the board consider declaring the district's schools prisons, thereby improving funding. Burley added that prison status might even qualify the district for renovation and new construction. The only problem, board member Fred Furnley added, would be trying to control the kind of unruly transfer students the state might send. The board voted to consider the prison issue in their next work session.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss plans for the upcoming excess school levy referendum. The excess levy funds would pay for hiring an additional crossing guard at the elementary school and would provide additional funding for muffins and bagels on workshop days. District financial advisors estimate the levy would add 53 cents to the annual property tax on a $100,000 home. A more modest excess levy request failed last year.
Board member Vernice Vicklestone reported on the district-wide phone poll conducted to determine whether voters would support a new excess levy referendum. The majority of voters supported the idea of adding a crossing guard, but many thought that district money would be better spent on donuts than on muffins and bagels. Results of the phone poll were hard to interpret due to a misprint in the script that had pollsters asking if respondents would support the "excessive school levy."
The most interesting results of the poll were that 88% of those surveyed were unsure what it is that the Fuddle River School District does. Even when poll respondents were given hints, only 16% were willing to guess that it had something to do with schools. Vicklestone argued, "We really should consider a campaign to educate the voters about what it is we do before we request more money for doing it." Board member Fred Furnley expressed concern that increased public knowledge of the school district's function could result in the public actually holding the district accountable for results. The board then decided that financing a public education campaign would be a poor use of district education funds. The board did agree to consider the muffins and bagels versus donuts question. The board will continue its consideration the excess levy referendum at its next meeting.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week the board held a meeting involving all stakeholders to begin the process of developing the district mission statement. Fuddle River Schools has never had a mission statement, and as board member Henry Gullickson stated, "It's a wonder we ever got anything done."
This first meeting was planned as a public brainstorming session. As Gullickson explained, all stakeholders were to provide ideas for a mission statement and eventually those ideas could be synthesized into the new district mission statement. Brainstorming ideas were offered by administrators, teachers, cooks, custodians, paraprofessionals, students, parents, and business and community leaders. In the spirit of brainstorming, no ideas were criticized. The ideas from the brainstorming are listed below.
Fuddle River Schools Exist to:
o keep young people off the streets during regular business hours.
o cover all of the stuff in the books.
o ensure that all students learn, even if we have to force them.
o keep young people from hurting each other and from hurting the older people.
o train young people to eat their vegetables and clean up after themselves.
o prepare young people for the drudgery of real work in the real world.
o prepare young people to deal with the messes made by the older people.
o prepare young people to consume material goods and to balance the spending limits on several credit cards at the same time.
o nurture passive citizens for an apathetic electorate.
o help young people feel good about themselves, even if it requires some self-deception.
At the end of the meeting, Gullickson stated, "Now the important work can go forward and the board can craft a mission statement that will at least equally dissatisfy all of the stakeholders who participated here tonight." The Fuddle River board will meet on Tuesday evening to continue work on the mission statement. The board invites any other stakeholders interested in sharing ideas for the mission statement to please just keep them to yourselves.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week the board met to review two ongoing programs in the district. The new "School-to-Work" program was presented by program coordinator and classroom teacher Keith Gilbert. Gilbert outlined the changes he's made in his classroom to prepare students for the real world of work.
Gilbert has all of the students sit in cubicles. The students are put into teams with the peers with whom they are least likely to accomplish real work. The least competent students are the team leaders. If a team ever does look like it will accomplish something, the teacher quickly convenes a long meeting to sidetrack them. Every day or so, a few students are "downsized," and their work is taken over by independent contractors from the study hall. Gilbert explained that disruptive new features are being added to the program on a daily basis. The board praised Gilbert's efforts to prepare students for work in the 21st century.
Principal Tom Tolfson reported on the new "Really Drug-Free Schools" program being initiated at the elementary school. He reported that many teachers are having a hard time following the new policy banning caffeine on the school campus.
A security officer disguised as a substitute teacher reported being able to make several "scores" of instant coffee crystals and caffeinated sodas from the teachers. One teacher was reported to the office by students who claimed she was teaching with a tea bag string hanging out of the corner of her mouth. Another teacher was suspended after her "One Pounder" bag of M&M's ripped and fell out of her purse, causing a minor riot in the main hallway. Parents visiting the building have complained about the examples set by the groups of teachers seen huddled together across the street from school, eating chocolates and drinking coffee.
Principal Tolfson reported that the school's "Really Drug-Free Schools" committee is working on ideas to help caffeine-dependent faculty and to improve enforcement policies. However, he added, the committee has had a difficult time accomplishing anything in meetings without the customary generous supply of strong coffee and chocolate donuts.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The Fuddle River School Board held its regular meeting this week and discussed a number of issues.
The board heard from high school Principal Hugh Batson regarding his request for additional funding to reduce student tardies. Batson's plan involves the hiring of four valets to park student cars at the school. He argued that valet parking for students would certainly allow more students to get to their first class on time. Another proposed measure involves the hiring of over one hundred porters to deliver students' class materials. This would reduce the number of tardies caused by students who need to visit their lockers between classes. Funding was also requested for the installation of portable toilets in each classroom to reduce student tardies caused by visits to the restrooms. Batson's plan also calls for hiring ten hallway traffic monitors who would wear white gloves and whistles to direct traffic. The use of the traffic monitors would, according to Batson, avert back-ups in the hallways. Batson is also requesting a new sound system for the school so that they can play up-tempo music over the school's loudspeakers to enhance student movement to classes.
The board thanked Principal Batson for all the hard work that went into his proposals. However, board members expressed surprise at the cost of Batson's proposals and expressed regret that the district cannot afford such expenses at this time. Batson was directed to go back to developing more traditional, less expensive, and more coercive policies to reduce the number of student tardies. Batson stated that he would begin work on the new policies that evening while he served his detention for being late for the board meeting.
On another issue, the board proudly announced that the installation of the district's substitute request kiosks has been completed. The kiosks, which look much like ATM machines, will allow teachers to inform the district of their pending absences and needs for substitute teachers. The kiosks have been strategically placed all over the Fuddle River area in an effort to ensure access for all teachers. In the next few months the board will be considering teacher requests for kiosks in their homes.
District Director of Curriculum Helen Pasty reported that all K-12 curriculum has now been so clearly written that any idiot could teach the lessons. The board directed district Director of Personnel Merriam Bekel to make a greater effort in the future to hire idiots so that the curriculum writing could be evaluated.
The board continues to review auditions for the cable television infomercial that will promote the district's excess bond levy referendum. The volunteer production team has lined up a list of pseudo-celebrities to audition for the role of infomercial host. The impressive list includes a former class AA minor league outfielder and a house painter who once did some work for the former lieutenant governor.
Finally, the board announced that the new Teacher Tool Belts have arrived. Fuddle River teachers are no longer allowed to have their own classrooms, and there have been many complaints about the problems of moving from classroom to classroom without the proper supplies. The Teacher Tool Belts, which are actually modified carpenter's belts, allow teachers to carry staplers, tape, pens and pencils, markers, paperclips, gradebooks, textbooks, facial tissues, pass forms, attendance sheets, paperwork, and more. Teachers are to pick up their free belts at the city desk at Cronstrom Supply, where they will also receive a complimentary set of suspenders and a pamphlet about proper treatment for back pain.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board of Fuddle River Schools met this week to review the proposed new names for the district's athletic teams and mascot. District Activities Director Tracy Falcott presented the proposed new names and reviewed the entire selection process for board members.
The current name, "The Fuddle River Ferrets" has come under considerable attack for several years for its perceived timidity. Three years ago the name was changed to "The Fuddle River Fighting Ferrets," but many were concerned about the violence the name implied. "The Fuddle River Fierce Ferrets" was briefly tried, but rejected for the same reason. "The Fuddle River Friendly Ferrets" was used for the next year, and last year the name was changed back to "The Fuddle River Ferrets."
District and community complaints about the name and mascot have continued. This year the name conflict was escalated even further by a group of parents who wanted to change the "Fuddle River" part of the name. The board decided that a community-wide committee must be selected to resolve the name and mascot issue once and for all. The committee was established and then broken down into several subcommittees. Each subcommittee was to report back to the entire committee and each subcommittee would recommend a new name and mascot to the board.
The Bird Subcommittee considered and rejected finches, flickers, robins, ravens, phoebes, brown creepers, and bobolinks. They unanimously recommended that the new team name and mascot be "The Fuddle River Tufted Titmice." This subcommittee was convinced that the ashy-gray feathers and the prominent head crest of the tufted titmouse would make for an impressive mascot costume.
The Local Small Mammal Subcommittee considered voles, mice, raccoons, rabbits, shrews, beavers, wood rats, squirrels, muskrats, porcupines, and ermines before they agreed that they wanted an animal known for its cunning and sneaky ways. They recommended "The Fuddle River Weasels."
The River Fish Subcommittee considered fish native to the Fuddle River. While there were many intriguing choices, such as bullheads, burbots, carp, catfish, goldeyes, mooneyes, quillbacks, shorthead redhorses, sheepsheads, and bigmouth buffalo, the committee was very pleased with their selection. They recommended "The Fuddle River Northern Hog Suckers." They were impressed by the northern hog sucker's large, fanlike pectoral fins and its blue-black snout.
The Periodic Table of Elements Subcommittee reported feeling overwhelmed with interesting possibilities, but they were able to finally narrow their choices. They seriously considered rhenium, rhodium, beryllium, rubidium, dysprosium, mendelevium, neodymium, neptunium, praseodymium, promethium, technetium, tellurium, unnilennium, unnilhexium, unniloctium, unnilseptium, and unununium before finally settling on "The Fuddle River Ytterbium." The committee liked Ytterbium because it is nicely malleable and because it has a healthy atomic weight of 173.04.
The Vegetable Subcommittee considered asparagus, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, eggplant, okra, spinach, and sweet potatoes, but finally settled on "The Fuddle River Mustard Greens." Mustard greens were popular because of their high levels of vitamins A and C and the fact that they are relatively low in calories.
The Fuddle River School Board will now review the recommendations before making its final decision. After hearing the recommendations, some board members expressed a newfound sense of pride in the present team name and spoke at length of its historical and cultural value. The board voted unanimously to include the name "Fuddle River Ferrets" along with the new recommendations in its considerations.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review the new incentive programs in the district. Students all over Fuddle River are now being rewarded for doing things they should be doing - including attending school, completing homework, earning good grades, and behaving appropriately.
Students are paid 50 cents per day for attendance, and parents are paid $3.00 if their children attend school the entire day. Unfortunately, it seems that some families are abusing the system by bringing in children from other districts and subcontracting their own children's attendance. Students are also being rewarded for 90% or better attendance at the end of each quarter. The reward for such excellent attendance is a day free from school. It appears to be a wonderful motivator. However, some have pointed out that the consequence for bad behavior - a one day suspension - is also a day free from school. Unfortunately, the one-day suspension consequence also appears to be a wonderful motivator. Another incentive program focuses on homework completion. Students are now rewarded with an hour of television viewing at school for completing the previous day's homework assignment. The loss of one hour of instruction and learning each day has caused some concern, but the dedicated teachers of Fuddle River have been working hundreds and hundreds of hours at home to overcome these problems.
Improving students' grades is also the goal an incentive program. Students who make the honor roll are rewarded with "honor cards" that give them discounts with fast food merchants all throughout the Fuddle River area. Students have been very enthusiastic about this program and have exerted considerable pressure on teachers for higher grades. Some have expressed concern that such pressure has resulted in grade inflation. Now, with 98% of Fuddle River's students on the honor roll, several merchants have stopped honoring the cards and many have had to dramatically increase their prices. Area residents have complained that some merchants have even begun to charge inflated "dishonor" prices to any customer who is not on an honor roll.
To promote positive student behavior, district personnel have been rewarding students with certificates that can be exchanged for snacks in the schools' cafeterias. Administrators, teachers, and staff are to catch students behaving appropriately and reward them with "FRS Behavior Bucks." So far, few of the "Behavior Bucks" have been awarded. It seems that students don't know that they are supposed to get caught being good. An effort will be made in the coming weeks to familiarize district students with the program.
Eliminating cheating is also the goal of a new incentive program. The district has worked out an agreement with area merchants to reward non-cheating students with a $50.00 gift certificate. Students all throughout the district are getting the message that "cheating is not cool - it's wrong!" However, some have expressed concern that they are also getting the message that bribery is okay.
Board members expressed their approval of the new programs. As board member Shirley Hanover stated, "It's great that we can get kids to behave without all the time and effort involved in helping them develop their own standards of decent and intelligent behavior." Board members did express some concern with minor problems in the programs and the board voted to review all of the new incentive programs during their next work session. Board members attending the work session will be rewarded with a free prime rib dinner from Manny's Restaurant and Lounge and a free round of golf at Fuddle River Greens.
And that's if this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review progress on district standards.
First of all, the board publicly apologized for the district pamphlet that was mailed out to encourage citizen participation in setting and raising standards for educational excellence. The pamphlet contained several mistakes and many community members called to point out that the word "excellence" was misspelled twice. As a result, the board voted to award the district communications department $10,000 in additional funding to develop rigorous standards for their writing.
District personnel continue their work developing rigorous standards for district students. The standards were to be completed last month, but they are not yet finalized. The board blamed the delay on the overly strict standards set by the state for district standard setting. Once district standards are set, they will be raised. Then Fuddle River's standards will be rigorous and high.
Board member Alice Ferkel expressed her frustration with the amount of time and money being expended to produce what she called "another pile of papers." She suggested that district energies would be better used in efforts to actually improve teaching and learning in the district's schools. Ferkel was shouted down as a heretic, and she left the meeting early.
Board member Henry Gullickson argued that setting rigorous standards and raising standards is the way to fix what that is wrong with education today. "And," he added, "It costs a heck of a lot less money than messing around with teaching or learning."
The board will continue to review progress on the standards at their next scheduled meeting. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the new technology proposal for the high school. The proposal involves eliminating the media center and reducing funding for all other departments. Resources could then be shifted to fund an expanded computer lab with complete Internet access and to hire three full-time technology staff.
District technology coordinator, Ned Lud responded to district staff and community members who expressed alarm and concern regarding the proposal.
Lorraine Lilliberg, the current high school media center specialist, warned that the Internet does indeed have a lot to offer, but that many informational sources are biased and purposely inaccurate. She added, "With the internet as the lone source of data and the advent of better and better writing software, students would soon be able to write research papers in which all the misinformation is correctly spelled and clearly communicated."
Lud responded that Lilliberg was just trying to protect her own turf. "Books are just too expensive and are hard to use. Kids don't even like books. Books are history," Lud argued, "Why I just learned about the end of books in an Internet chat room."
Staff Development Coordinator Jennifer Tilton argued that funds would be much better spent teaching students how to think critically and creatively and how to work with others. She argued that much of the research showing increased achievement from the use of computers actually resulted from improved teaching strategies and involving students in cooperative group work. She argued that efforts should center on helping teachers develop the knowledge, skills, and sense of comfort they need to implement more effective student-centered learning strategies that emphasize student use of knowledge, collaborative work, and critical and creative thinking skills.
Lud stated that he was impressed by Tilton's arguments, however he asserted that her presentation would have been much better if it had been developed with Microsoft's PowerPoint for a multi-media computer presentation.
Henry Cabot from the Fuddle River Chamber of Commerce argued the focus on teaching computer skills in high school is a mistake. He stated that computer skills could be taught to new workers in as little as two weeks. He argued that the only really transferable computer skill is keyboarding. According to Cabot, local employers really want young people who are responsible, approach problems with intelligence, competence, and confidence, and work well as members of a team. He requested that the board focus their efforts on developing just such graduates.
Lud responded that what Cabot proposed was a very tall order, and one that the Fuddle River Schools have consistently proved that they were unable to meet. Lud argued that the expanded computer facilities will allow more students to become computer literate and skilled at the use of computers and programs and that those are more realistic goals. "It's a lot easier to get kids to learn computers than that other stuff because they like computers. I think it's time we stop talking about 'raising the bar,' and instead choose a different bar."
In his closing statement, Lud reminded board members that new multimedia computers really impress parents and community members. "Just having the equipment," Lud argued, "will give the impression that this is a first-rate learning environment."
The board will continue its discussion of the high school technology proposal at its next meeting. The majority of members wished to delay a vote until they could fully consider Lud's final point.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the contract proposed by QuartStar Productions.
QuartStar Productions has requested permission to shoot video footage in the district for their new television program "Teachers." "Teachers" is loosely based on the highly successful "Cops" and "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol." The program will show how real teachers in real classrooms deal with real classroom management problems. QuartStar has offered to pay $50,000 for unrestricted access to the district's classrooms for "Teachers."
QuartStar has also requested permission to shoot footage for their new program "School's Most Wanted." "School's Most Wanted" will profile truant students from America's schools. Robert Stack, dressed as school administrator, will provide background information on each child and promote a toll-free number viewers can call to turn in the truants profiled. Substantial rewards will be available to callers. QuartStar has offered to pay $30,000 for unrestricted access to the district's attendance files and buildings for "School's Most Wanted."
While some community members and faculty expressed concern over the type of publicity the district would receive, the board voted to accept QuartStar's proposal with the stipulation that all student faces used in the programs would be blurred or altered. The QuartStar representative present at the meeting accepted the stipulation, but warned that protecting the anonymity of truant students would tend to lessen the effectiveness of the "School's Most Wanted" program.
Board member Fred Furnley asserted that the decision was the right move - especially since the $80,000 had already been spent renovating the district office so that it would look better on camera.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week the board of Fuddle River Schools finalized their draft of goals for the next 13 months. Board member Tom Tumpkin noted that, "Most boards develop goals for one year, if at all. We believe that planning for the longer term allows the board to have greater effect on the system and to address larger issues and challenges."
The board's goals are as follows:
1) Develop written guidelines for developing a means of assessing our evaluation of our goal development process.
2) Establish benchmarks for undertaking at least one comprehensive review of assessing our evaluations.
3) Integrate county, municipal, private sector, church, and school board functions to establish a seamless program of evaluation of assessment partnering within the Fuddle River area.
4) Develop a means of examining the application of equitable access to reviews of evaluations.
5) Undertake the development of written guidelines evaluating efforts to increase understanding of positive relationships with regard to board goals.
Board members expressed a great deal of satisfaction with the goals. A public hearing about the goals will be held next Wednesday evening in the high school auditorium. Community members will then have a chance to review the goals and share their comments. Several board members expressed their confidence that community members would be unable to make any sense of the goals.
If someone does express an understanding of any goal, the goal can be changed. According to board member Shirley Hanover, "It is important that our goals are obscure and hard to understand so that we can maintain the freedom to do whatever we think we should be doing at any given time."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to approve the new advertising policy for the district. The policy substantially increases the amount of advertising the district sells. For the past several years the district has sold advertising space as a way to augment its meager budget. Currently, the board receives funds for the sale of advertising space in the gymnasium, in the auditorium, in school hallways, in the football stadium, and on the sides of the district's buses.
The approved new policy allows for morning announcements in each building that feature fifteen minutes of advertisements from a local merchants. These ads will also play during all passing times. A new student uniform policy will be implemented and student uniform shirts and sweaters - covered with logos and ads - will be provided for free by sponsors.
Advertisers will also be able to sponsor lessons and teachers will read their sponsor's advertising copy before presenting a lesson. Print advertising space will be sold on all worksheets and tests. All overhead transparencies will feature advertisements. All district textbooks will be covered with advertising stickers. Before any teacher plays a videotape for students, he/she must first show a special videotape of commercials.
"Adver-ties" will be worn by all male employees in the district. "Adver-aprons" and "Adver-lab-coats" will be worn by all home economics, science, and shop teachers.
Finally, in exchange for a small payment from private interests, the district will make every effort to encourage teachers to use privately provided classroom materials. For example, in health classes, materials from the alcohol, tobacco, and pharmaceutical industries will provide balance to otherwise one-sided instructional approaches.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss a variety of issues. The board voted unanimously to establish a new policy that enables district leaders to resist unproven new fads in education reform. The board voted to establish "Skeptical Conservative Recalcitrance" as the official policy concerning any new education fads. When asked by a community member why the board felt compelled to make this philosophy an official policy, board member Fred Furnley replied, "We'd be fools not to make it policy. Every other district is doing it. This is the hottest new thing going. Why should we be left out?"
The board also voted unanimously to establish a policy of taking attendance at all faculty meetings in the district. Any staff absent from a meeting will need to provide a note in order to be admitted to any subsequent meetings. Those without notes will be turned away. Board members believe that the new policy will improve attendance at faculty meetings. The board postponed a vote on whether or not hall passes will be used during meetings for restroom breaks.
Finally, the board looked into the new budget measures being taken by the Noddy Pines School District. Noddy Pines' schools have gone condo and all of the district's classrooms have now been sold to teachers. The teachers operate the classrooms as independent contractors. In order to recover their classroom investment costs, Noddy Pine teachers charge students for their learning. Facts, concepts, and higher level understandings are all paid for by the students on a "degree-of-cognitive-difficulty" basis. This new program is designed to improve the financial status of the district, but by offering the less challenging rote learning at bargain prices, it also promises to raise the district's test scores. This new Noddy Pine program shows great promise and will be closely monitored by the board of Fuddle River Schools.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the pressing financial situation the district finds itself in following the defeat of the excess levy referendum. The board has had to make some rather drastic cuts due to forecasted budget shortfalls.
Three buses and twelve bus routes will be eliminated, forcing students within a seven-mile radius of the school to walk to school each day. Co-curricular teams that involve less than a 65:1 student-to-coach ratio will be eliminated. Class sizes will be increased to 40.5 throughout the district. Eight teaching positions will be eliminated at the high school, seven positions will be cut at the middle school, and the elementary school will lose ten positions.
Board members emphasized that this time there will be belt-tightening at the district office as well. Eighteen new positions that were proposed for the district office - but are as yet unapproved - will be eliminated. District office renovations will be postponed and the proposed district office health club and gourmet dining room will be reconsidered. Even the planned executive committee fact-finding mission to the Caribbean will have to be rescheduled. Board members hope that the sacrifices made at the district office will inspire personnel throughout the district to do their best to continue to provide a "world class" environment for learning in the difficult times ahead.
In the "good news" department, the board reported progress in negotiations with local businesses that have expressed interest in buying the names of the district schools. Under one proposal, the district could earn over $200,000 a year by changing the name of Fuddle River High School to "Owen's Rendering and Meat Processing High School." The board will continue to update the community on these promising developments.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week and reviewed the district's purchasing policies. The Fuddle River Schools will no longer maintain an inventory of school and office supplies. An internal audit discovered that carrying such an inventory was too costly.
The board also decided that the district will no longer reimburse teachers for classroom purchases made without purchase orders. The board believes that reimbursements require far too much record keeping. Further, the board felt that the review of reimbursement paperwork was cutting into the long lunches usually taken by the budget officers and the state auditor. These lunches are considered critical because they seem to deter the auditor from following obvious leads into more serious financial mismanagement.
Eliminating supply inventories and reimbursements necessitated a new purchasing policy, and the board unanimously approved a new policy. Board member Fred Furnley laid out the new purchase process with the following example.
"Let's say a teacher decides that she needs a new #2 pencil, so she calls eight vendors and sends out bid forms to each. In a few weeks, each vendor has returned a bid, and the teacher then chooses the three lowest bidders and has them apply to become approved vendors. In a few more weeks, the vendor applications are returned with references. Next, the teacher checks the references herself and then files a complete report with the district office. Sometime in the next thirty days, the district lets the teacher know who the approved vendor is."
"Next, the teacher applies for permission to file a purchase order. The teacher must write a two-page paper supporting the need for the pencil and the impact of the pencil on student learning and achievement. If the teacher cannot satisfactorily support the need and the efficacy of the pencil, the application for a purchase order will be denied."
"If, after a twenty day review by the district, the application is approved, the teacher may then fill out a purchase order. In a few months, the purchase order will be approved and sent to the vendor. The vendor will fill the order and ship the pencil, the invoice, and other relevant paperwork to the district warehouse where the pencil is checked against the invoice and paperwork. Two weeks later, when all is in order and approval to pay the invoice is formalized, the pencil is sent to the teacher."
"Thirty days later the teacher will be expected to file a purchase review form with the district office. In the purchase review, the teacher will evaluate the quality of the pencil and the pencil's effect on student learning and achievement. If the teacher fails to file the purchase review in a timely manner, the district will recall the pencil and suspend the teacher's purchasing privileges for the remaining years of her employment."
"We are really satisfied with the way we have streamlined the process," Furnley explained. "The system is now simple and efficient. The procedures involved make it possible to ensure that the district gets its money's worth. They key is going to be the planning. If a teacher knows in October that she will need a #2 pencil in April, and she starts the process right away, everything will work out just fine."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board held a press conference this week to address the future of the school district in the Fuddle River Area. Last spring the board demanded new facilities, but still no plan has been put forward by the community. So, in the past two months, the board has been considering offers from neighboring communities. The board has now tentatively accepted a deal with the town of Bent Willow to move the school district there.
"We called this press conference," board member Vernice Vicklestone explained, "to let the community know that we are serious about leaving if we don't get the kind of support we need to continue as a viable school district."
Bent Willow is offering the district three brand new state-of-the-art schools and a huge new early childhood center. The board presented figures showing the positive effect the move will have on the Bent Willow economy. Bent Willow sweetened the deal by offering to build the new schools and pay all utilities and upkeep. The district will receive all revenues from the sale of "executive student suites" and from food service and concessions. The district also retains the rights to revenue streams from merchandise licensing, signage, and the naming of the buildings. The tentative agreement also includes an escape clause after four years if Bent Willow parents and community members do not show adequate support for education.
"People complain that this is blackmail," Vicklestone added. "Well, of course it is. This kind of extortion has worked wonders for the professional sports teams and it's about time we tried it. Now the question becomes, 'How are the people of Fuddle River going to respond?' Do the current residents of Fuddle River want to be remembered for having lost the schools?"
The board will meet next Tuesday to entertain any proposals from the Fuddle River community. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board held its regular meeting this week and considered a pair of important issues.
The first issue concerned Fuddle River Schools' superintendent search. The board decided this week to suspend the search and board members announced that Dr. Douglas Gokey would continue his tenure as superintendent. The superintendent search was, from the beginning, a search for new ideas. The goal was to find a new superintendent to set the district on a new course and in a new direction.
Many qualified candidates were interviewed and the candidates shared their new ideas and their visions for the district. The board was overwhelmed by the quality of the ideas and visions shared. Board members were having a very difficult time selecting a new superintendent until board member Shirley Hanover pointed out that the district could simply implement the best of the new ideas without hiring any of the candidates.
After a brief discussion, the board voted to implement the new ideas and keep Dr. Gokey as superintendent. The board also voted unanimously to post the position again when more new ideas are needed. In the meantime, the board will post all other district positions and form a permanent "New Ideas Mining Committee" to conduct interviews.
The second issue addressed by the board had to do with the explosion of district copy budgets. The board decided it was time to consider developing a policy regarding the use of district copy machines. Apparently teachers have been regularly copying their original activities and assignments for their classes on the machines. While the board wishes to encourage teacher creativity and originality, this kind of copying is just too expensive. Even though building copy machine use should be restricted to administrative paperwork, the board was uncomfortable with the idea of telling teachers that they could not use the machines to make copies for their classes. Instead - and until a new policy is developed and approved - the board voted to move all copiers to areas virtually inaccessible to teachers and to schedule regular and lengthy machine breakdowns and repairs with the company that holds the service contracts on the machines.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The high school Hall Pass Committee presented their new hall pass policy to the board this week. The policy was developed at the request of the board.
The original high school hall pass policy stated that students could leave class at the teacher's discretion and that they could be in the halls as long as they had a hall pass. Teachers devised an array of easily identifiable hall passes - clip boards, staplers, and ceramics projects. But the staff soon discovered that some students would be gone with hall passes for far too long and that some students seemed always to be in the halls. The policy was then revised when the high school staff agreed to use anvils as hall passes. Each 90-lb. anvil was to be attached by chain to an ankle. It was believed that the anvils would reduce student wandering and reduce the amount of time students spent in the halls. But that didn't happen. Instead, there was extensive floor damage from anvils being dragged as students with hall passes continued to wander willy-nilly up and down the halls. It was this floor damage that prompted the board to request the development of a new policy.
The new policy states that students who need to leave the classroom during an instructional period must apply for a pass. Teachers will review pass applications every 15 minutes and conduct short interviews with each applicant to assess the necessity, urgency, and the length of time involved in each request.
Once a student's application for pass is approved, the teacher will give the student a handwritten pass and have the student suit up in the hall pass vest. This special vest is bright orange in color with the words "Hall Pass" printed on both the front and back. The vest also contains an exploding dye packet - like those used by banks in the case of robbery. Each dye packet is equipped with a timer. The teacher will insert his/her key into the packet and set the timer for the duration of the pass. The teacher's key then disarms the exploding dye packet when the student returns. If a student fails to return to class on time, or attempts to remove the hall pass vest, the dye packet will explode - marking the student for detention or other punishment.
Some board members expressed concern with the danger of the exploding dye packets. The high school staff was instructed to look into the cost of installing a one-minute warning "beep" to each timer. Hall Pass Committee chair Earl Florsam expressed doubt that the beep would be useful since it would likely get lost in the mix of other electronic noises at school, including pagers, personal stereos, cellular telephones, and virtual pets.
The board also recommended that students be required to wear protective eyewear and earplugs when they are wearing the hall pass vest. Florsam pointed out that the earplugs would make the one-minute warning beep inaudible, but promised to have the committee add the cost of the eyewear and earplugs to the proposal.
The second part of the new policy has to do with the problem of students in the hall without passes. In the past, due to the size of the high school and each student's relative anonymity, students could simply run away from hall monitors without any possible consequences.
To address this problem, hall monitors will now be armed with splatball guns. Any student in the hall without an orange hall pass vest will be marked with green paint and taken to in-school suspension.
The board unanimously voted to approve the new policy for a sixty-day evaluation period. The board praised the high school Hall Pass Committee members for their hard work and their creative blending of slick new technology with good old-fashioned coercive practices.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
DISTRICT WORKSHOP
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to consider a number of issues. The board approved the all-district workshop agenda for next month. The staff development committee, under the leadership of staff development coordinator Beth Granseth, planned the day. The theme of the workshop is "Influencing Child and Adolescent Behavior." A marketing executive from the tobacco industry will be the featured speaker.
The board announced a nationwide recall of Fuddle River High School graduates from the years 1989-1993. Graduates are being recalled to repair faulty and potentially life-threatening reasoning taught by mistake in a number of courses offered during those years. Graduates are being instructed to report to the high school for remediation and correctives.
The board approved the plan to manipulate the clocks at the high school. Beginning next week, the clocks will run slower during class time and faster during passing times. This will result in 15 minutes more of instruction per day and will hopefully reduce the number of problems experienced during passing times.
The board announced that videotapes of school faculty meetings will now be sold through a major video distributor. The tapes have been used in research done by the sleep study institute at a major university and were found to be the best for getting anxious research subjects to sleep. The distributor hopes to market the tapes as sleep aids.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to consider several new proposals.
The high school has requested permission to lock all school doors after the morning tardy bell. Principal Hugh Batson shared his belief that locking students out if they are late will force more students to show up to school on time. In addition, Batson argued, habitually tardy students are some of the least well-behaved students in the school. Locking them out will only improve behavior within the school, even if it makes the surrounding neighborhood more dangerous.
"We can't worry about the neighborhood," Batson argued. "All we can control is our school. Students should get the message that if they want to make trouble inside the school, they'll just have to show up on time." The board will postpone voting on this proposal until they can assess the possible effects on property values and property tax revenues.
The board approved the first stage of a hat ban in the schools for next year. In order to avoid a potential backlash from students, the district will phase in the ban over the next five years. In the 1998-1999 school year students will only be able to wear hats from professional and collegiate athletic teams. In the 1999-2000 school year students will only be able to wear hats from teams with a winning percentage above .500 for the current or most recent season. Standings will be posted in all school offices. In the 2000-2001 school year, only hats from playoff teams, bowl teams, and NCAA tournament teams will be allowed. In the 2001-2002 school year, only hats from championship teams will be allowed.
In the final school year, 2002-2003, all hats will be banned. Board member Shirley Hanover praised the program for its gradualism and the fact that it would encourage students to keep up with current events.
The board also considered proposals to change the district's schedule and calendar. One proposal is to change to a four-day week. On the four-day week schedule students are in school for nine hours and the faculty and staff work ten-hour days. Moving to this schedule could save substantial amounts of money spent on busing and other building overhead costs. In addition, it saves working parents the cost of before-school and after-school daycare.
Another proposal involves moving to a two-day week for greater savings. Under the two-day week plan, students would be in school for eighteen hours each day and staff would work twenty-hour days.
Combining the two-day schedule with the five-day week could generate even greater savings. With this combination, the entire school year could be accomplished in less than three months.
The board appointed a committee to work twenty-hour days to investigate the possible savings related to each plan. The committee will report their findings tomorrow morning at 3:00 A.M.
School-to-work coordinator Keith Gilbert has proposed a new course to ready students for the world of work in the 21st century. The new course prepares students for life as temporary workers. Students would be taught how to plan for their golden years without the benefit of a work-sponsored retirement program and how to use home remedies to maintain their health in the absence of medical and dental insurance. Students would also be taught how to drag out projects to protect their temporary employment, how to complete their complicated income tax returns, and how to beg for real full-time work.
The board voted to approve the course proposal and to extend Gilbert's temporary employment contract. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to consider a number of important issues.
The first issue concerns the district's continuing standards project. The board began the process when they approved "World Class Standards for Fuddle River Learners." The original standards were evaluated and revised, and last fall the board approved "Second Class Standards for Fuddle River Learners." After a final round of evaluation and revision, the board formally approved the third set of standards, "Third World Standards for Fuddle River Learners." The board firmly believes that this latest version of the standards is the best and the board has ordered district officials to move forward in implementation of the standards. The new district letterhead and newsletters will prominently feature the title "Third World Standards for Fuddle River Learners," and new district office and school building signs have been ordered.
On another issue, the board voted to move forward on the new peer coaching program for professional development. The board approved the workshop on coaching featuring Bobby Knight. Peer coaches will learn how to draw a technical foul and when to throw chairs.
The board also formally approved a new program to encourage teachers to raise their classroom standards for appropriate and respectful behavior. A pilot group of teachers has successfully upped their standards and in order to encourage their colleagues to do the same, each teacher from the pilot program will wear a button that says "Up Yours."
The final issue the board discussed had to do with the possibility of leasing out detention space to other districts. This practice of leasing punishment space has become very popular with correctional institutions and has resulted in substantial profits for counties, states, and for-profit prisons. Board member Fred Furnley agreed to the need for further discussion. But he reminded the board that, in order to head off the entry of for-profit detention rooms, Fuddle River Schools will need to move quickly on this issue.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. Board members first addressed the issue of testing. The board reaffirmed its support for the new state-wide eighth grade assessment tests. To demonstrate their support for the tests, board members themselves tried the tests. All of the members praised the tests for their comprehensiveness and their rigor. Of the eight board members, all but seven passed the reading and writing part of the test and all but six passed the mathematics section. Board member Esther Krumwalt confessed little surprise over the results, "Look at our class sizes. Look at our budgets. We ain't never been no good at no math."
Director of curriculum Doris Browne reported on her efforts to reform the curriculum review process. Browne reported that the curriculum review cycle has been compacted, resulting in substantial savings for the district. The old curriculum review cycle involved a year of curriculum evaluation, a year of curriculum development, a year of curriculum implementation, a year of review and adjustment, and then two years for implementation of the adjusted curriculum before the cycle would begin again.
The new cycle involves a year of curriculum evaluation, another year of evaluation, followed by a third year of evaluation, and then the cycle begins again. Browne pointed out that elimination of curriculum development has resulted in the elimination of pay for curriculum writing time and has eliminated all purchases of new curriculum materials.
The board continued their discussion regarding implementing a district-wide uniform policy for students. The board has been notified that the Restaurampant Corporation has offered to donate school uniforms to each student. The uniforms are from Restaurampant's failed Family Pizza-Fun restaurant chain. The uniforms are available in a variety of sizes and students will be able to choose whether they want to dress as the giant mouse, the giant pig, or the silly bear. Board member Esther Fulstrom argued that the research clearly demonstrates the positive effects of uniform policies, "Implementing a uniform policy, and using these free uniforms will demonstrate to the community that we want students to be serious about education."
District technology advisor Ted Urlander reported on his team's efforts to make sure that the district's students are able to safely explore the Internet. Urlander and his team have installed the NetGuard, CyberStopper, WebNanny, SurfDog, and CyberChaperone blocking software on each of the district's 200 new Internet-ready computers. The software blocks student access to any sites that may contain pornographic, inappropriate, or controversial material. Urlander reports that the blocking software is so effective that students are prohibited from visiting all but two web sites in cyberspace. Students may visit Norm and Candace Sunborg's site that features photos from their vacation visit to Waverly, Minnesota, and Jerome Northland's index of hyperlinks to all of the interesting education sites Fuddle River students are not allowed to visit.
Board members reviewed the new policy designed to alleviate the district's substitute teacher shortage. It appears that increasing pay, paying bonuses, and offering free childcare has increased the number of substitute teacher available to the district. However, the new substitute teachers are all former Fuddle River teachers who resigned their regular full-time positions when new pay and benefits for substitutes were announced. With all these new resignations, the district now finds itself with higher substitute teacher costs and the same substitute teacher shortage.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board held its regular meeting this week. State auditors just completed a thorough audit of the district and reported some disturbing findings to the board. Board members were shocked to learn that district officials had lost track of six school buses.
In addition, auditors reported that several teachers currently on the payroll have been missing from the district since the 1970's - apparently around the same time the buses disappeared. According to auditors, the buses had been converted into classrooms after a round of severe budget cuts in the 1960's. When budget prospects improved a decade later, new classrooms were built and the buses disappeared. After a thorough investigation, auditors discovered that the buses had been sold to Hankin's Used Bus Company in Pike Rapids. Apparently the faculty members who taught in the buses were never notified that they would be moving into the new classrooms.
The board thanked the state auditors for their diligent work and then voted unanimously to have business manager Vince Slackner contact Hankin's to see if they have any used teachers in their inventory.
On another issue, board members voted to approve the new district-wide technology initiative. The initiative involves creating web sites for each of the district's classrooms. Each classroom would then be equipped with an internet-capable computer and a live-feed video camera.
When the system is complete, visitors to the World Wide Web will be able to take a peek into each of the district's classrooms. Board members praised the initiative, stating that it would greatly ease the supervision of teachers by building administrators. By adding a few more cameras, the hallways, locker areas, and lunch areas could be supervised by computer as well. Some concern was expressed about the possibility of parents and community members having unlimited access to the district's classrooms and hallways.
Others pointed out that the system allows for more accountability. "This is something we've wanted to do for a long time," said board member Fred Furnley. "As long as the building administrators have Web access, they can just stay in their offices and supervise their schools from there. We want those building administrators in their offices. We don't want them wandering around. Their jobs are to be in their offices to deal with office issues. And then, we can keep an eye on them because their offices will be hooked up with cameras too."
On another issue, the board considered a recommendation from middle school principal Arlene Marlene. Marlene recommends the elimination of substitute teachers at the middle school. Marlene proposes that the funds saved under such a plan be diverted to the school's "Principal's Account."
"Look, she argued, "Ninety percent of our students are latchkey kids. They go home to an empty house every night and they do okay. If they can handle no adult supervision at home, then they can handle no adult supervision at school a few days a week."
Finally, the board reported that it has sent out requests for bids for beverage machines in the district. The board plans to place 6,560 beverage machines in the district's three buildings. Even though that would mean an average of 2.5 beverage machines for every student, the total number of machines is sure to drive up the bidding. Bottlers are expected to bid over $3 million for exclusive rights to the buildings. Board members have pledged to earmark up to 10% of the profits for caffeine and sugar dependency programs.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board held its regular meeting this week. The board formally approved the appointment of Leonard Falkus to the newly created position of District Hedgemaster. As District Hedgemaster, Mr. Falkus will be responsible for keeping abreast of all of the new policies and regulations being considered by the state. In addition, Mr. Falkus will create action plans for new state policies and regulations that have been approved, but are not yet in force. Mr. Falkus' primary responsibility is to follow each new policy and regulation until state leaders change their minds - as they typically do. The District Hedgemaster is to keep an eye on the horizon while the rest of the district carries on the same as always. According to board member Fred Furnley, "This is a great idea. We've been burned far too many times by the state. In the past, we've put all kinds of resources into implementing programs with which the state later lost all interest. The District Hedgemaster position allows the rest of us to adopt the 'ignore it and it will just go away' approach and I've always thought that was the best approach for dealing with school reform anyway."
High School Principal Hugh Batson reported to the board on the high school's new policy regarding appropriate conversation in the school's teachers' lounge. Batson had heard from several teachers at the high school who complained that the conversation in the lounge was negative and depressing. Some teachers reported avoiding the lounge altogether to avoid the negative feelings there. In response, Batson implemented a policy that outlines appropriate topics for conversation in the lounge. Batson summarized the policy for the board with the following points:
o Teachers may discuss the weather, but only if it is a nice day.
o Teachers may discuss food, recipes, hobbies, and crafts.
o Teachers may not discuss the news because so much of it is negative.
o Monica Lewinsky's life is not an appropriate topic of conversation.
o Teachers may not discuss school or district policies and initiatives.
o Teachers may not mention students by name and may only discuss students in a positive way.
o Teachers may not mention faculty by name and may only discuss faculty in a positive way.
o Teachers may not talk about administrators at all.
Batson reports that lounge conversations have been much more positive and appropriate. The two teachers who now use the lounge have had no complaints. Batson is now looking into expanding his appropriate conversation policy to the copy room, the hallways, as well as the school's offices and classrooms.
When asked what the faculty thought of this new policy, Batson stated that he preferred not to discuss something so negative. Batson concluded his comments with, "Nice day, huh? A lot less humid. Well, if there are no other questions, I'll be going. I have a quilt to finish and I'm trying a new tuna recipe tonight."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to present to the community the district's new security initiatives.
Starting next Monday, anyone wishing to enter a Fuddle River school building will need an official Fuddle River Schools identification badge. The board reminds all that - starting Monday - anyone without a valid district identification badge will be denied access to district buildings. Each identification badge will carry the person's name, grade or job title, and a photograph. Photographs will be taken this Thursday and Friday and the official district identification badges will be available sometime next month.
The district has contracted for twenty full-time security officers to patrol the district's schools. The security officers will be trained and provided by the Fuddle River Police Department. The security officers will be supplied with rubber bullets for use in emergency situations, but - due to community complaints - they will not carry guns. Fuddle River Police Chief Darryl Patters warned, "Even without the guns, those kids better watch it - some of these officers can really throw." The security officers will also carry red pens and detention slips.
Security cameras will be mounted on several students' heads each morning.
The board chose the "head cams" over conventional wall-mounted cameras because students typically hear and see things that other surveillance systems miss. Hundreds of students will be selected at random each morning to wear the special "head-cams."
For security purposes, "panic buttons" have been installed in every classroom in the district. Teachers are reminded that the alarms sound in the school security offices and that "panic buttons" are not to be used for incomplete homework, wrong answers, low test scores, or bad lesson plans.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review proposals designed to reduce "summer loss." Throughout the last school year, board members reviewed data related to the learning losses that students experience over the summer months. The board returned to the problem this week after a lengthy review session. The review session was necessary because many members had forgotten what they had learned about the problem.
The proposal features the involvement of the EdCare Corporation, a private sector educational services provider. EdCare's president and CEO, Jeffery Seifert was on hand to present his proposal to the board.
EdCare proposes to establish an independent Education Maintenance Organization - an EMO. Families would enroll children in the EMO by paying a monthly premium. The EMO would hire district teachers to work over the summer months to provide services for EMO members.
Students enrolled in the EMO would be required to do regular self-exams at home over the summer months to determine whether or not any learning has been lost. If something has been forgotten, the student can make an appointment with an EMO provider for remediation. There would be a substantial co-pay for services.
As he concluded his presentation, Seifert emphasized that EdCare alone would determine which students could enroll, which educational procedures would be covered, and what providers would be paid for their services.
The meeting then adjourned so board members could catch their flight to Aruba for a two-week retreat with EdCare lobbyists. The board will vote on the EdCare proposal when the members return.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week on Tuesday for its regular monthly board meeting. Coffee and cookies for the meeting were provided by The Cravin' Joe Coffee Café in Fuddle River.
The board announced that the class size reductions ordered by the state have now been completed. The state provided funding to enable districts to hire new teachers in order to reduce class sizes, but Fuddle River made the class size reductions without hiring any additional teachers. The board instead spent the money to hire professional building contractors, thinking they would be better qualified to do the necessary work. With the work finished, every class size has been reduced by 80 square feet.
District Technology Coordinator Ned Lud reported on technology planning for the year 2000. According to Lud, the "millennium problem," also known as the "Y2K bug," could result in the loss of all school and district records. In addition, Lud warned that the problems could make school computers, passing bells, and fire alarms inoperable. Lud also pointed out that non-Y2K compliant computer chips embedded in district equipment could render effected equipment useless.
Lud reported to the board that his Y2K work began late and continues to be under-staffed and under-funded. He did report, however, that the entire Fuddle River School District will be Y2K compliant by March of 2010. The board praised Lud for his leadership, determination, and his intelligent hard work.
There was a motion to adjourn at 8:50, but Board Member Fred Furnley protested the motion, arguing that he still had a full cup of coffee and two cookies left. The board then voted to table the motion until 9:45 when all of the coffee and most of the cookies were gone.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week and discussed a number of issues.
The board voted to consider proposals for a new policy on laser pointers. The board made the decision after last month's meeting when a local business supply store gave laser pointers to all board members. Later in that meeting, several people were temporarily blinded in what became an all-out laser pointer war between board members. Board members are now concerned that students could make similar irresponsible use of laser pointers in the schools.
The board voted to cancel the district's "Self-esteem Day" for this year. Despite several well-publicized calls for volunteers, the board could not find anyone to participate on the "Self-esteem Day" committee. Apparently, the day was such a failure last year that no one is willing to risk his or her self-esteem by participating on the planning committee. The board also cancelled plans for a "Nonviolent Conflict Resolution Day" after a fistfight broke out in the last planning meeting.
The emergency preparedness committee was to report on their 1996 emergency preparedness plan, but their presentation was postponed again. Committee members reported that they have had trouble making plans without a foreseeable crisis looming. The board voted to consider creating a crisis so that one would loom and planning could proceed.
Finally, the board reported that the new "Gossip Router" phone trees have been delivered to all employees in the district. The phone trees are part of a new initiative to improve district communication. The board expressed confidence that district gossip and rumors would now be spread much more efficiently. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
"I use praise to reinforce positive behavior. I say, 'I really like the way Rachel is ready to begin,' and, 'I like the way Rachel has finished her work.' I say, 'I like the way Rachel is not throwing crayons at her classmates,' and, 'I like the way Rachel is sitting quietly in her seat and not running around the room smearing glue on people and then slugging them on their arms.' So far, Rachel is the only one I praise. The others are just too wild. But it does seem that the praise has kept her out of trouble. I'm sure the others will eventually come around. Then some of them will get praised too."
- Helen Menkin, FRES
"The new state graduation standards for letter-writing are very rigorous and my students had been terribly frustrated until I offered them the opportunity to write abusive and threatening letters to the state department of education. Now each student has written over twenty letters and they are all developing wonderful letter-writing skills."
- Lance Bertram, FRHS
"My history students are studying nonviolent movements. I've created a computer game to teach them about the movements and about people like Henry David Thoreau, Mohandas Gandhi, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., and Cesar Chavez. In the game, if they get five answers right, they get to blast a bad guy to smithereens. They seem to enjoy the blasting and it is really helping them to learn all about nonviolence."
- Sam Sutton, FRMS
"I have my students raise one finger if they have a question and two fingers if they have to use the bathroom. I recognize their requests with a nod and then I deal with their needs when we reach a break in the lesson. It works great, but make sure you say, 'Give me a finger if you have a question.' I made the mistake of saying, 'Give me the finger' and I ended up having lots of questions that day."
- Bernice Endicott, FRMS
"I take my students for a walk every morning to help them develop their observation skills. On our walk, they record in their notebooks all of the sights and sounds they encounter. They really have developed amazing skills and I have learned a lot from the observations they've made at the door of the teachers' lounge and from outside the window of the principal's office."
- Jim Gypsum, FRES
"In my remedial reading and writing class I have my students watch videos of popular movies with the sound turned off and the closed captioning turned on. It's great for improving both speed and comprehension and the kids really seem to enjoy it. I try not to use R-rated movies, though, because the kids already know how to read and write most of the words in those movies."
- Phyllis Washburn, FRHS
"We developed an interdisciplinary unit on human sexuality and American government. You wouldn't believe the amount of current event resources that are available for such a course. It's been a disgusting, disheartening, depressing, and very educational experience so far."
- Jane Frances, FRHS
"I used to start each class with a moment of silence, but now it's evolved into a twenty-minute nap. It really seems to help settle the kids down, and I'm considering expanding it to forty minutes."
- Dave Golfespie, FRMS
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. Last week the district celebrated its annual Winterfest. Each of the schools had special activities to celebrate the winter season. This year's activities were enhanced by record snowfall and record low temperatures in the Fuddle River area.
At the high school, the failure of the school's heating system put everyone in the Winterfest spirit. An all-school skating party was held Tuesday on the first floor after a water pipe froze, broke, and flooded the main hallway.
Because of high winds on Wednesday, the snow sculpture contest took place inside the school as well. Franklin Peters won the contest with an incredible snow-likeness of Principal Batson sleeping at his desk.
Thursday's activities included a snowboarding contest on the pile of plowed snow in the teachers' parking lot. The contest featured some of the most extreme and exciting snowboarding ever. By the way, teachers are reminded that the district will not be held liable for any damage to cars parked in school parking lots.
Friday's activities featured a display of snow machinery built by students. The snow boulder catapult designed by the sophomores was dismantled after several students were flung across school grounds without their consent. Again, teachers are reminded that the district will not be held liable for any damage to cars parked in school parking lots.
Monday's activities at the middle school featured a snow fort competition. Two of the forts were so nicely built that the school will now use them to ease the class-space crunch at the school. Next week Mr. Phillips social studies classes will meet in Snow Fort 1 and Miss Lyndon's English classes will meet in Snow Fort 2.
On Tuesday middle school students did an incredibly realistic snowball re-enactment of Shirley Jackson's "The Lottery." The drama eventually disintegrated into a snowball fight between the students and the faculty, and school was canceled for the rest of the week.
Timmy Fortle won the tongue-on-the-flagpole competition at the elementary school. Timmy held out for four hours and thirty-two minutes. In accepting the "Blue Tongue" trophy, Tommy declared, "Bank-u-bewy-mush. A'm berry pwoud of myfewf."
A snow angel contest was canceled after several area residents complained about the creation of religious imagery on public snow. Math teacher Matt Norman saved the day by changing the spelling on all of the posters and by holding a daylong snow angle competition.
Elementary school students shoveled the school playground on Friday for the annual "Snow Bowl" football game, but the students were so exhausted from shoveling that the game was canceled.
The week ended with the all-district Winterfest dance held at the high school. The finish on the gymnasium floor was completely destroyed by winter boots, but the dance was a terrific success. Unfortunately, the city of Fuddle River declared a snow emergency during the dance and city crews ticketed and towed all of the teachers' cars that had been moved from the school parking lot. By the way, teachers are reminded that the city will not be held liable for any damage to cars towed from city streets.
It was a great week and everyone is now ready for a return to regular learning. High school custodians have already finished plowing, sanding, and salting the school hallways. Everyone is looking forward to next year's Winterfest. Plans include a "mock blizzard" that forces the cancellation of school for the entire Winterfest week.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This was an exciting week in the district as the high school hosted the annual Fuddlefest - the district wide talent contest. As always, the contest featured the talents of the students and staff of Fuddle River Schools. The Fuddlefest planning committee wishes to thank all of the talent contest participants and express their regret that the program was not better planned. The committee promises to invite more participants and to actually audition acts for next year's contest. This year's participants did put on an interesting show.
Tina Guthrige, district copy room aide, performed an interesting collating demonstration.
Third-grader Anthony Elizardo performed an interesting dance choreographed to communicate his need to use the hall pass to visit the restroom.
Elizabeth Hickney, middle school office aide, did an interesting 20-minute print-merge performance.
High school nurse Shirley Carlson did an interesting rap song about "fakers" and "real sickies."
Mel Minkner, middle school math teacher, did an interesting attendance-taking demonstration and then calculated the odds that he had done it accurately.
High school social studies teacher Jeff Ferdman did an interestingly large ditto run.
Susan Shiffler, the high school drama teacher, did an interesting piece of performance art about the quality of the coffee in the teachers' lounge.
The final act was eighth-grader Thor Bugner and his group, The Truants, performing a paper-crumpling demonstration. It was, well, interesting.
After serious consideration, and a flexible interpretation of the contest rules, the Fuddlefest judges awarded first prize to Dave Palmquist, high school custodian, for setting up the folding chairs for the audience. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to listen to concerns from high school teachers regarding their faculty lounge. According to the teachers, Principal Batson gave permission to retirement planning consultants to set up shop in the lounge. The idea was that teachers could then visit with the consultants and the consultants would provide free coffee and cookies. Next, Batson gave permission to insurance salespeople who provided pizza and pop. Then came the booksellers - they brought sandwiches. Tupperware, Mary Kay, and other multi-level marketing distributors were next and they brought cake, donuts, brownies, and gourmet coffee. Now, according to the teachers, the entire faculty lounge is full of people selling stuff and giving away free food. The teachers reported that, while they appreciate the free food, it is now impossible to relax or to get any work done in the lounge. The teachers asked the board to act so that they might have their lounge back.
Board member Lee Burley was the first to respond, "Does the pizza have onions? I don't like onions. Not on pizza, anyway."
Board member Henry Gullickson added, "What kind of pizza are we talking about - thin or thick crust?"
Then board member Alice Ferkel asked, "Do they have those cookies with the frosting and the pretty sprinkles on top? And, do you know, are there nuts in the brownies?"
After the teachers walked out of the meeting, the board directed Principal Batson to invite all of the salespeople to the next board meeting. Batson was asked to remind the salespeople to bring their snacks so they could be inspected and sampled before any policy on use of the faculty lounge is considered.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to approve the new terminology changes the board has proposed for this school year.
The changes involve the elimination of the terms "mistake," "error," "foul-up," "goof-up," "blunder," "bungle," "botch," "miscue," and "lapse" from all official district communications.
From now on, the eliminated terms will be replaced by the terms "snafu" and "bug." In addition, the term "poor decision" will be replaced by the statement, "The board is now re-evaluating the decision-making process. In the future, efforts will be made to involve more stakeholders in all decisions."
Board member Fred Furnley explained the changes in terminology, "We make good decisions, sometimes they just don't look good. That's why we're making the changes. Most problems arise because of implementation snafus and other systems bugs. And sometimes, we just don't involve enough people in our decisions."
The board unanimously approved the changes in terminology, and made the changes effective immediately.
The board then discussed the snafu in the new transportation system. Apparently, many children will be without bus service for the first month of school. The board reported that all of the bugs should be worked out of the system by October.
The board reported that it is re-evaluating the decision-making process used to decide to eliminate bus service to those within a twelve-mile radius of a school. The board is also evaluating the decision-making process used to decide to eliminate the after-school activity bus.
In the future, the board promises that efforts will be made to involve more stakeholders in all decisions.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular monthly meeting. Board member Fred Furnley expressed his concern that hidden agendas continue to sabotage the implementation of all board decisions. He proposed that all district personnel be compelled to reveal their - until now - hidden agendas.
Board member Vernice Vicklestone (who has a high need for control and would like nothing more than to put the grandstanding Furnley in his place and take over the board) was the first to reveal her hidden agenda. She praised Furnley for his ideas and suggested that the board move forward to develop an implementation plan. Furnley (who craves attention and will do almost anything to get it so that he can take over the board) shared his hidden agenda and agreed with Vicklestone that an implementation plan was a good next step.
Ethel Beckel (who is more concerned about "process" than anyone on earth and always wants to be seen as the "fair one" because that will allow her to take over the board) expressed concerns that ordering district personnel to reveal their hidden agendas might be deemed an invasion of privacy. Ted Bonstrom (who is not a lawyer in real life, but likes to play one at board meetings to improve his chances of taking over the board) expressed his concern that the forced exposure of hidden agendas would result in violations of constitutional rights.
The board then heard from parents in attendance at the meeting. Cheryl Harden (who believes that the current board is loaded with fools and wants to run for school board so she can take over) expressed her support for whatever direction the board chose to take. Chip Kerbke (who would like for the board to focus on more pressing issues like football and the upcoming basketball season) offered that a kind of competition might compel district personnel to reveal their hidden agendas voluntarily. And Claude Plaget (who only attends board meetings for the free coffee, punch, and cookies) burped.
The board voted unanimously to continue their discussions of the hidden agenda issue in their next work session. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met with the district's new teachers this week to welcome them to the district. Although several have developed obvious nervous tics and one cried through the entire meeting, the new teachers seem to have adjusted well to the rigors of teaching in the Fuddle River School District. After some discussion, though, the board voted to eliminate the pre-service stress-enhancement new teacher workshop that is usually held each August.
The board presented the first annual "Volunteer of the Year" award to Rebecca Sumstad. Sumstad was lauded for the fine work she did establishing the "Volunteer of the Year" event and for choosing herself as the first recipient of the award.
The board reported on Fuddle River Middle School's efforts to improve school-home communication. Each day, each teacher at the middle school sends home a twelve-page classroom newsletter and variety of other memos printed on colorful paper. Apparently, though, some parents are working to improve home-school communication and they have been sending back family newsletters and colorful memos of their own. It is estimated that some families are out-printing the school by a margin of three-to-one. The board will meet next week to discuss new ways to discourage such home-school communication.
The board reported that they would no longer book school board team-building retreats through Carl's Cooperative Sail Adventures. Board member Helen Phinkle stated that the last team building retreat fell apart after board member Fred Furnley was made to walk the plank and board member Phyllis Seakist was keel hauled after an aborted mutiny on the team-building schooner.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss a number of issues.
Principal Batson reported on problems in the hallways at the high school. According to Batson, students seem to have lost all fear of the hall monitors. He cited numerous instances in which students have ignored the hall monitors and have shown complete disregard and disrespect for the monitors. This is the reason, Batson explained, that the high school's hall monitors have been replaced with hall monitor lizards. Batson described how the eight-foot long monitors have brought new order to the high school hallways. The board praised Batson for his fine work. Next week, the board will discuss the middle school's plan to replace their hall monitors with hall minotaurs.
The board praised district food service personnel for their work on "Geometric Lunch Week," during which food was served in a variety of geometric shapes. Along with the usual menu items in triangles, wedges, rounds, squares, and rectangles, the cooks served trapezoidal goulash, rhomboidal rice cakes, hexagonal hash, dumpling dodecahedrons, and a delicious double helix hotdog hotdish.
Principal Bernice Birkner thanked the board for the new burglar alarm system recently installed at the elementary school. The board took a number of bids for the alarm system, and awarded the job to the contractor with the lowest bid. Birkner regretted having to report, however, that the entire alarm system was stolen in a recent break-in at the school. The board then approved a motion to take new security system bids - and this time only from family and friends.
The board's final action was to approve a $50,000 contract with outside consultant James Snickey to work with the board to lower the district's expenditures on outside consultants. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
TEACHER-PARENT CONFERENCE TIPS
"I always tell the parents that their child is an absolute pleasure to have in class. Most of the time it's not true, but my lack of honesty seems to get the conference off on the right foot."
- Pam Gullickson, FRES
"If I'm having an especially difficult conference with a parent, I sometimes take a time-out and excuse myself to get a cup of coffee. Then I drive across town to Starbucks. When I return, the angry parent is usually gone."
- Calvin Grithix, FRHS
"If parents have any questions about my class, I like to refer them to our assistant principal. I think it's nice to give the assistant principal something to do during conferences, and it helps to keep my conferences short."
- Tammy Gebhardt, FRMS
"I encourage parents to get more involved in their child's education. Then I point out that if they were more involved, their poor kid would never have ended up stuck in my class."
- Bernice Blombug, FRMS
"I always tell the parents that we are on the same team and that we are working together to defeat the frighteningly irrational impulses of their child."
- Esther Torborg, FRES
"I like to involve the parents in problem-solving. It works great, and by the end of conferences, I am completely unburdened because I have passed off all of my problems onto parents."
- Dave Golfespie, FRHS
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board held its regular monthly meeting this week.
The board responded to the U. S. Department of Education's report that most American students have little understanding of civics. The board, stressing the importance of citizenship knowledge and skills in a democracy, agreed unanimously to press for improvements in civic education.
The board approved plans to write to the Mister of Education in Washington to request more funds for civic education. The board will also lobby the federal assembly and contact state aldermen. The board then made plans to try to get the Supreme Court to pass some legislation and to ask the President to change the U. S. Constitution so that there is more money available for civic education.
The rest of the meeting was concerned with district personnel issues. The board approved the following personnel items:
Resigned: Ethel Crusteen, FRMS; Resigned to the Way Things Are: Ralph Lipton, FRHS; Cynthia Newberg, FRES. Sticking it Out for One More Year: Harlan Thorton, FRMS. Dragged Out Kicking and Screaming: Jan Arundahl, FRES. Hanging by a Thread: Mark Stewart, FRHS.
Leave of Absence: Fran Grunwald, FRES. Absent Without Leave: Trudy Ramstad, FRHS. Won't Leave: Cheryl Powell, FRES. Unrequested Leave of Absence: Georgia Hamel, FRMS. Unrequested Presence: Hal Bjorkland, FRHS.
Appointed: Maria Torres, FRMS. Disappointed: Grant Werner, FRES. Reassigned: Ann Newman, FRHS. Misassigned: Vic Zenmer, FRES.
Non-renewed: Fred Denton, FRMS. Accidentally Renewed: Dennis Haskins, FRHS. Terminated: Clint Gorter, DIST. Committed: Sarah Terkel, FRMS. Out to Lunch: Yvette Rankin, FRES.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board held its regular meeting this week and discussed a number of issues.
The board formally approved the new "don't ask, don't tell" policy regarding student cheating on high-stakes state assessment tests.
The board approved a site license request for new violence prevention software for the elementary school. The program, "Violence Blasters," teaches students to resolve conflicts nonviolently. The program then rewards students for successfully resolving conflicts with an on-screen opportunity to "blast some bad guys to smithereens." After a two-week free trial period with the software, Principal Bernice Birkner reported that the program is already very popular with the students. "They love it so much," Birkner added, "that we had kids literally fighting each other to get on the computer."
The board also approved a new pilot program for the high school. The program, an interdisciplinary technology education - physical education course, will have students using treadmills, stationary bicycles, and cross-country skiing machines to power their computers and peripherals. The physical education department expressed high hopes for the program, noting that it will combine something students can't resist - technology - with something they avoid like the plague - physical exercise.
Last month, three board members volunteered to take the controversial new state teacher test. After reviewing the members' test results, the board has decided to reconsider its year 2000 "Work Smarter, Not Harder" district motivational campaign. Several board members support changing the campaign name to "Just Work Harder." The board will consider the change at its next regularly scheduled meeting.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular monthly meeting. The board voted to expand the district's advertising program. Morning announcements will now be brought to students by a number of local sponsors. Bathroom passes will be sponsored by the Carbon-8 Beverage Bottling Company. The Highminded Tutoring Corporation will sponsor midterm failure notices. Detention will be sponsored by the law firm of Dorset and Pringley. And financial support for health education programs will come from Chipdom Incorporated, makers of delicious deep-fried snack chips.
The board wishes to correct a misprint in the minutes from their last meeting. Vince Dudley of Fuddle River Middle School was the recipient of the board's "Plaque of Appreciation," and not the board's "Plague of Appreciation."
The board announced settlement of the lawsuit filed against the district by the parents of Shelly Preston. The Prestons were suing for damages after their daughter received an "A-" in biology. Shelly believed that her efforts in the class should have resulted in a grade of "A," and she made her point expressively to anyone who would hear her. The board agreed to change the grade on Shelly's transcript to an "A," and to issue her an apology. The board also agreed to pay $10,000 in damages for emotional stress and anguish. The $10,000 will be divided equally among those who had to listen to Shelly's complaints over the last three months.
The board approved a motion to designate Wednesday the 15th as "Take your Kid to School Day." The board expressed their hope that having a designated day to promote school attendance would improve attendance - even if just for a day.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the need for new classrooms at the elementary school. Board member Fred Furnley and the Elementary Improvements Committee reported on their work investigating options for adding much-needed classrooms to the building. According to Furnley and committee members Vernice Vicklestone, Ethel Beckel, and Ted Bonstrom, the cost of adding five classrooms to the building could run as high as $985,000. However, the committee found that five portable classrooms could be acquired for only $105,000. Currently, the elementary school has three portable classrooms, and the committee interviewed students and teachers about how they felt about the portable classrooms. They found that most had only good things to say about them.
Teachers reported that their classes are interrupted less and that there are fewer distractions in the portable classrooms than there are in classrooms inside the building. The students seem to like the portable classrooms because they are different. One teacher was quoted as saying, "There is more ownership with this classroom. The students enjoy decorating and taking care of it. And we enjoy being off by ourselves."
"It's peaceful." another teacher reported. "And we get to control the room temperature ourselves. We love it."
Based on their findings, the committee recommended to the board that all classrooms be replaced with portable ones. The committee suggested that the board consider selling the elementary building and grounds altogether. Proceeds from the sale could then be used by district to purchase trucks and trailers that would make the classrooms truly portable.
"Think of it," said Vernice Vicklestone. "We could have a giant set of classrooms on wheels. And putting the classrooms on wheels would provide another benefit. We could eliminate our elementary bus service. The teachers could pick up the students with the classroom every morning and drop them off each night."
"And field trips!" Furnley added. "It would be so easy to do field trips. The teacher could just drive the classroom to the field trip destination and park it - no need to schedule buses. And recess would be a breeze too - just drive the kids to the park! And teachers could keep their classroom at home with them at the end of the day. Wouldn't that be convenient for teachers who have school work to do at night and on weekends?"
Ted Bonstrom pointed out that administrative offices for each of the schools could be on wheels as well. And, if needed, the school office could rendezvous with a classroom anywhere and at any time of the day. "Smaller classrooms could be driven by school support personnel." added Bonstrom. "They could drive to a classroom to pick up students for their pull-out programs. And I'm sure we could find a used ambulance for the school health aide to drive."
According to Beckel, there would also be no need for a school lunch program. "Imagine the headaches that would eliminate." she explained. "Students could eat at a different restaurant every day. And we could make sure that the free and reduced-price lunch money follows them."
The only problem with the classrooms on wheels program, according to Vicklestone, is the lack of bathrooms in the portable classrooms. "But I'm sure we could work out something with local merchants to let the children use their restrooms. Then teachers could just drive to a restroom whenever a child needs to use one." she said.
The board thanked the committee members for their report. The entire board will vote on the "classrooms on wheels" proposal next week.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Saying "we humbly ask for forgiveness," board member Fred Furnley delivered the most sweeping school board apology ever, repenting for the errors of the school district over the last 30 years. The public act of repentance, issued at the end of last week's school board meeting, was an unprecedented moment in the history of the Fuddle River School District. Speaking for the board, Furnley apologized for over twenty minutes.
The board apologized for the lack of good record keeping in the 1970's and 80's and for the hernia-inducing load of paperwork subsequently dumped on teachers in the 1990's.
The board apologized for school lunches from 1976 to 1982, and for one week of particularly bad lunches in 1987.
The board apologized for the mind-numbing pre-school workshops of the 1970's, and for the day-old muffins and bagels served at school district workshops throughout the 1980's.
The board apologized to students for the guest speakers featured at school assemblies in the 1970's and 80's. The board wanted to especially apologize for Mastro the Magician, who put a curse on the middle school that lasted until he removed it for $65,000 in 1988.
The board apologized for the lack of heat at the elementary school and for the use of room 102 as a meat storage locker in the 1970's.
The board apologized for the school calendar adopted last year that had to be changed eighteen times before the end of the school year.
The board apologized for that awful smell on bus #5.
The board apologized for the use of temporary classrooms at the elementary school. The board wanted to especially apologize for room 118, a large cardboard refrigerator box, and for room 122, a snow fort built by the fifth-graders.
The board apologized for scheduling regular copy machine breakdowns in order to save on paper and toner.
The board apologized for waiting so long to install telephones in district classrooms and for then selling the list of new phone numbers to telemarketers.
The board apologized to district music teachers for prohibiting the performance of rock and roll, punk, disco, rap, and hip-hop music. The board also apologized for approving the performance of Yanni music.
The board apologized for restricting classroom instruction to the material available in district textbooks, and for the continued use of history textbooks that were published before the launch of Sputnik.
The board apologized for replacing classroom chalkboards with dry-erase marker boards and for replacing the chalk with permanent markers.
The board apologized for not taking seriously the need for roof repairs at the high school and for later trying to sell the community on the merits of open-air education.
The board apologized for the various new educational approaches embraced and then dropped during the 1970's, 80's, and 90's. The board did not apologize for the current new educational approach, but promises to do so in subsequent apologies.
Finally, the board apologized for not apologizing sooner and for not apologizing for everything that has happened in the last 30 years.
"Hey," Furnley explained. "This is just our first apology. Give us a break. We don't want to be here all night. Some of us have to work in the morning." Furnley then encouraged district stakeholders to submit their ideas for apologies to the district office.
When Furnley finished, several community members stepped forward to apologize for electing the current board.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board held its regular monthly meeting this week.
The board heard from students who are protesting what they call "The expanded intrusion of state standardized testing." The students feel that so much time is spent preparing for tests and testing that there is little time left for real learning. In response, a large group of students organized to purposefully fail state tests last month. Board members thanked the students for sharing their concerns and expressed their relief to hear that there were planned failures. "Well, there you have it then," stated Fred Furnley. "That's why our district scores are so doggone low. And all the time we thought it was our fault. I feel much better now."
District officials were warned of a new inhalant abuse issue in the district. According to Mrs. Pinkel from the high school health office, some students have been snorting copy machine toner.
"It really doesn't make you feel anything," said Mrs. Pinkel. "It's just toner. What we're really concerned about is the waste of toner. It's expensive, and a big budget concern." When board members asked how to identify a toner-sniffer, Mrs. Pinkel replied, "Oh, it's so hard to tell. It really takes a trained eye. Except for the fine black powder all over their faces, clothes, and shoes, they look just like you or me."
The district's long-range planning committee reported that this month's meeting has been postponed. The committee will next meet on Wednesday, February 17, 2014.
The board had planned a celebratory tournament send-off for the Fuddle River High School knowledge bowl team. Unfortunately, half the team didn't know about the meeting, and the others got lost on the way.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular monthly meeting.
The board heard from faculty and parents expressing concerns that some students have become addicted to the Harry Potter books. According to FRMS media specialist Nora Hunkner, "Some students just can't stop reading these books. They become obsessed. That's all they do - just read, read, read. It's really sad. They are missing out on all the rest that life has to offer." Hunkner described how she has helped some families by organizing interventions in which children are confronted and encouraged to read other books or participate in activities other than reading. The board praised Hunkner for her efforts and voted to consider sponsoring her proposed "Turn-on-the-TV Week."
Board members expressed their shock and dismay with recent district test results. The board was greatly disappointed to find out that fully half of Fuddle River students scored below the 50th percentile on the recent district tests. The board also expressed concern that only 3 in 10 Fuddle River students scored above the 70th percentile on the district test. "These scores are as bad as they were three years ago. This cannot continue," stated board member Fred Furnley. "We spent an enormous amount of money in the last three years to try to improve our scores and look - we're right where we started. We need a new approach."
"Perhaps the best thing to do," offered board member Ethel Beckel, "would be to organize a number of committees with a series of meetings and reports in order to create the impression that we know what we're doing and that a solution is close at hand."
The board voted unanimously to follow Beckel's proposal. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met for its regular meeting this week and discussed last spring's state tests. The district was notified by the state that many of the state's math tests were scored incorrectly. Over 60 of the district's students who should have passed were not allowed to graduate due to the scoring errors. The board has approved granting diplomas to those students, and district personnel are currently organizing a belated graduation ceremony for the students.
The district was also informed that 32 students who failed the test were allowed to graduate due to the scoring errors. Those students have been ordered to return their diplomas and register for remedial math classes. The board later discovered that many of those students are reluctant to comply. The board approved the establishment of a diploma SWAT team. SWAT team leader Hal Norman reported that 23 diplomas have been recovered. Norman reported that a typical Swat team tactic is to surround the student's home and order the student to "Throw out your diploma and come out with your registration manual over your head."
The SWAT team has also recovered diplomas by using a sting operation in which students were told that they had won $2 million, and that after a 10% fee of $1.5 million was paid, they were due to receive $1.8 million if they reported to the district office. Fifteen students who failed the math test fell for the sting operation.
In other business, FRS Activities director Ronald Gimbly has organized an event to improve parent behavior at district sporting events. Students will be bused to parents' workplaces to heckle and yell at parents as they work. Norman expressed his hope that parents will get the point and that parent behavior will improve at district sporting events.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting.
Teachers and administrators from the high school were in attendance to discuss problems with their "Back-to-School Night." "Back-to-School Night" is an annual event that allows parents the opportunity to follow their child's school day schedule for short class sessions. In each class teachers briefly describe their courses and outline their course and classroom expectations.
This year's "Back-to-School Night" was marred by a number of disturbing behavior problems:
- More than 100 parents were absent from the event. Almost all of the absences were unexcused, and detentions were assigned. Thirteen parents left before the end of the program, and their children were notified by phone.
- Twenty-three parents were given written assignments by the school health aide and suspended from parent involvement activities when they were caught smoking outside the west doors.
- Forty-two parents were assigned detention for bringing coffee and cookies to classrooms - even though they had all been warned that the coffee and cookies served in the cafeteria were not allowed in the school's hallways and classrooms.
- Mr. and Mrs. Thoglein were sent to the office when they refused to stop visiting with their neighbors during Mr. Beiker's explanation of his Biology II curriculum.
- Mr. and Mrs. Perkmann were suspended for running in the halls.
- Mr. Kelly, Mrs. Langley, and Mr. Gillespie were all reprimanded for using their wireless phones during Miss Bowman's American Literature presentation. Their phones were confiscated and are now being held in the main office.
- Mr. Thompson, Mr. Werner, and Mr. Ferguson were all sent to the principal's office for using the media center's television without permission to check the score of the "Monday Night Football" game.
- Mrs. Hempstead was assigned a detention for being in the halls without a hall pass and for refusing to give her name to the hall monitor.
- Mr. Hager was sent home for kissing Mrs. Hager. Mrs. Hager kissed him back, and she was also sent home.
- Mrs. Tucker was assigned detention for being tardy to each of her daughter's classes.
- Mr. Leighton and Mr. Lopez were sent to in-school-suspension for fighting over a parking space in the east parking lot.
- Mrs. Kemp was sent home for using a classroom computer without permission and then lying about it.
- Mr. Hoffman, an independent insurance agent, was assigned to the Saturday clean-up detail for littering by leaving his business cards all over the school.
- Over sixty other parents were sent to the office for various other acts of insubordination and disregard for school rules. Each will be expected to have a conference with a school administrator before they will be allowed back into the school for other events.
High school principal Hugh Batson presented a number of proposals for improving parent behavior at school events, and the board will review his proposals at their next meeting. Batson expressed his frustration with the unruly behavior when he stated, "Apparently many parents have forgotten what appropriate behavior at school is. We'll have to teach them. However, if they are allowed to behave like this at home, I'm not sure what effects our efforts will have."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met again this week in a special session to continue discussions on the shortage of teachers in the Fuddle River School District. The district has been unable to fill eight positions this year, and many more teacher openings are predicted over the next three years. The board is determined to recruit enough teachers next year to fill all open positions. The teacher shortage is not only a local or state concern, but also a national issue. The United States Department of Education predicts that the nation will need more than a million new teachers by the year 2010. The national shortage of teachers has spurred competition between states and between school districts for new teachers.
Some school districts are recruiting teachers from overseas. Some states are easing the rules for the alternative certification of would-be teachers. Other states are raising starting-teacher salaries. Some districts are offering hiring bonuses of up to $3000 to new teachers, and others are offering low-interest mortgages and college loan reimbursements.
"We have to be careful about what kind of programs we initiate because of the costs involved," argued board member Fred Furnley at last week's meeting. "We can't offer bonuses and other financial rewards for new teachers. We just can't afford it. And when we do spend money to land new teachers, we have to have some kind of program to get those new teachers to stay in teaching and to continue their careers in Fuddle River. After all, it's estimated that almost 50% of new teachers leave the profession in five years."
Last week the board put together its own unique package of incentives for new teachers. The incentives were designed to change the nature of the teaching job so that new teachers would join the Fuddle River School District and spend their careers here. The board discussed and approved the incentives. The incentives included:
- No After-School Meetings - new teachers will not be required to attend any after-school meetings.
- No Mandatory Volunteerism - new teachers would not be expected to volunteer for committee work, supervisory work, or to advise or coach co-curricular activities.
- No Paperwork - each new teacher would be freed from any school and district paperwork requirements. Each new teacher would be assigned a part-time paperwork aide.
- No Work at Home - each new teacher would receive two half-days of classroom release time each week to grade papers and plan lessons so that they would not have to take any work home.
- Smaller Class Sizes - no new teacher would have more than 16 students in a class.
- The Right to Peremptory Challenges - new teachers would have three peremptory challenges to students on their class lists.
- Good Coffee and Deli Box Lunches - new teachers would enjoy free Starbuck's coffee every day and free box lunches from Maude's and Ethel's Deli.
The board reported that the new initiatives were such a hit with teachers that the entire faculties of the elementary, middle, and high schools resigned their positions and applied for new teaching positions within the district. They were all hired back, and while most board members seemed pleased that the initiatives may reduce future staff turnover, several members expressed concern that the new initiatives may bankrupt the district. So far, no other new teachers have been hired. Next week the board will continue its discussions of ways to attract really new teachers to the district.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for an update on the enforcement of its new "no homework" policy.
Responding to parents' complaints that homework was putting too much pressure on students' already over-scheduled lives, and noting that too often homework requires parent involvement and is sometimes a substitute for good classroom teaching, the board voted last month to prohibit homework altogether. The board's policy forbids district teachers from assigning homework, grading homework, or using homework as punishment.
Board member Phyllis Shafter reported that many teachers feel constrained by the homework ban and that several teachers have either ignored or purposely circumvented it. In response to the violations of the policy, the board created a Homework Investigation and Compliance Team. The HIC Team is to monitor and enforce compliance with the new policy. At this week's board meeting the HIC Team updated the board on their recent enforcement efforts:
- Homework checkpoints have been set up at all school building exits. Students are searched, backpacks are emptied, and all homework is confiscated. Last week a strip search netted two geography worksheets and a science word-find. The students were assigned detention and the teachers were reprimanded.
- HIC Team members raided the Riverview Branch of the Fuddle River Public Library. Thirteen students were detained for doing research there. Two students were detained for browsing the stacks. All of the students were assigned to in-school suspension for a week.
- In raids throughout the district, fourteen students have been assigned detention for reading novels and serious nonfiction books at home. Many claimed that they were "reading for pleasure," to which HIC Team leader Greg Bartlett responded, "Yeah, right."
- In negotiation with the local cable television company, the HIC Team has managed to block local educational television programming. HIC Team leader Bartlett explained, "We're all better off without the temptation to do school-type learning at home."
- Five students were detained at various locations in the city last week for observing natural phenomena in an educational manner. "They all denied that they were learning," said Bartlett, "but come on, one little kid had a whole bag of leaves he had collected and another was really intensely looking at a bug."
- Several Fuddle River students were detained for "walking around and asking questions." Bartlett explained, "No one is that innately curious. These kids must have been collecting information for an assignment."
- One student was turned in to the HIC Team by his frustrated parents who couldn't get the child to watch "Dawson's Creek" on television with them. The student explained that he had been ill, had missed several days of school, and was now attempting to get caught up. HIC Team members confiscated his homework and registered the student for summer school. He was also assigned a week of detention.
- The HIC Team raided the detention room at the high school when it was reported that several students were passing their detention time by doing homework. The team confiscated the homework, assigned more detention, and distributed copies of Teen People and Seventeen to the offending students.
The board praised the HIC Team for their hard work and encouraged the team to keep an eye on local coffee shops where students have reportedly been seen reading newspapers and news magazines.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss errors discovered in several textbooks at the middle school.
Last spring the board took bids from a number of textbook publishers and purchased books for the English, social studies, science, mathematics, and world languages departments. Even though the board purchased the most inexpensive books available, the teachers were extremely excited to have new texts for the first time in fifteen years. But that was before the teachers read them. Now that the books have been in use for a few months, the teachers and their students have discovered that the new books are riddled with errors.
The American history text contains several hundred inaccurate maps and mislabeled photos. A photo of Curly from The Three Stooges was labeled "Benjamin Franklin," a photo of a guests fighting on "The Jerry Springer Show" was labeled "The 1992 Republican National Convention," and a photo of Ernest T. Bass from "The Andy Griffith Show" was labeled "President Woodrow Wilson."
The history text also contained a passage explaining that Christopher Columbus journeyed to the New World in hopes of gaining a Nike endorsement contract. The chapter on the Revolutionary War contains this passage: "The Patriots, while victorious at Yorktown in 1781, had still not yet won a Super Bowl."
The mathematics textbooks had errors too. One textbook defined a triangle as a "kind of a pointy box." The text also contained a long explanation of right and wrong angles, and defined a tangent as a "spherical tropical fruit."
The science text contained a detailed map of "The Dark Side of the Sun." In another section, the text explained that "most human tissue cells are made of strawberry jelly, though some are made of orange marmalade." It also described plants as the slowest, the greenest, and the quietest of the mammals. The text explained that natural gas is "a renewable man-made energy source." A chapter on electricity included the following passage: "Static electricity is the unused electricity that leaks out of the empty wall outlets in your home. That is why you will often find it in your carpets and rugs."
The English text had problems as well. In a unit on grammar, it states that "verbs can make your writing peppy, but prepositions can make your writing preppy." In a chapter on punctuation, the text states that "commas, though well respected, are optional in most writing." Another problem was that a short story on Page 232 was continued on Page 233. But Page 233 was continued on page 232, and students attempting to read the entire short story for homework found themselves stuck on those two pages for hours.
The Introduction to Spanish text consisted entirely of made-up words. The Spanish word for "house" was identified as "housa," "hello" was "hihawaya," and the word "taco" was translated into English as "Crunchy Big Mac."
Board members expressed their disappointment with the new texts. Tad Braxton, the president and CEO of Slightly Irregular Text Books, Inc., was contacted and he steadfastly refused to replace the texts or refund any money. He stated, "We stand by our texts. They are indeed the best books that that kind of money can buy."
After careful consideration, the board voted to direct all middle school teachers to continue using the texts until new books can be purchased for the 2015-2016 school year. Board member Fred Furnley argued, "We simply have no choice at this point. Besides, it's better for the students to learn wrong stuff than to learn nothing at all."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board began this week's meeting with a discussion about the district's electricity crisis. Since state utilities were deregulated five years ago, the district has been buying electricity from low-bidder Manny's Budget Power.
In recent weeks Manny's has suffered financial difficulties and supply problems and has been forced to cut power to the district on a number of occasions. On Tuesday of last week, when it was particularly cold, Manny fired up an extra space heater in his home office and electricity was cut to the middle school for four hours. The high school has lost power on a number of occasions when Manny has used his microwave oven to make his lunch. And the district offices lose electricity every time Manny uses his 12-cup coffee maker.
Repeated calls to Manny's were fruitless because every time his answering machine clicked on, power was cut to the school district switchboard. District officials paid a visit to Manny's office, but when they rang his doorbell, they cut power to the elementary school for over an hour.
The board will vote next week on changing the school day to a school night. They are hoping that the district will suffer no power outages while Manny is sleeping.
The board discussed the latest developments in the case of an unnamed employee who gambled away over $25,000 of the district's funds on an Internet casino site. Since the case is still under investigation, the name of the employee is being withheld in accordance with state law.
The board allocated $10,000 to district technology coordinator Kent Hoffman so that he could visit the casino site and attempt to win back the funds lost by the unnamed employee. Board members expressed their confidence in Hoffman, citing his two successful trips to Las Vegas in recent years. If Hoffman does win back the lost funds, charges will not be filed against the unnamed employee. If Hoffman fails to regain the $25,000, and loses the $10,000 in the process, the district will withhold his name.
The board discussed the recent discovery of over 200 web sites devoted to lampooning the Fuddle River School District. Disgruntled students, parents, and other community members have created web sites critical of the board, district administration, principals, teachers, and food service workers. Jimmy Perkins, a second-grader at Fuddle River Elementary, put up a web site with a drawing of his teacher. He wrote, "Mrs. Hopkins is a big doodyhead." Mrs. Hopkins asked the board to sue the Perkins family for libel and defamation of character, but district attorneys advised against a suit. They argued that the case would be unwinable because it would involve proving that Mrs. Hopkins has none of the legally accepted characteristics of a doodyhead.
The board will continue to study this issue and will discuss action plans at its next meeting. In the meantime, the board ordered school district webmaster Tony Rochester to develop web pages to discredit and offend those who are offending the district. A page of links to all of the offending web sites and the district's counter-offensive web sites will be soon be featured on the Fuddle River Schools web site.
Fuddle River High School received their report from the Middle Central Association of Schools and Colleges and found that their accreditation has dropped from "just barely approved" to "not even close" for the 2000-2001 school year.
Principal Hugh Batson expressed his disappointment that the twenty-two snow days declared during the Middle Central team's investigation failed to dissuade them from filing a report.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
The board held their annual school joke contest this month and reported that another collection of horrible jokes were submitted. For the fifth year in a row, the board refused to name a winner. However, among the poorly crafted and barely understandable attempts at humor, the board selected the following for dishonorable mention:
A teacher walks into the lounge and falls on the floor. Another teacher walks in and trips over the first teacher and falls to the floor. A third teacher does the same, as does a fourth, a fifth, and so on. Pretty soon, the entire faculty is piled up on the faculty lounge floor. The assistant principal rushes in, appraises the situation, and then steals all of their lunches out of the refrigerator.
- Gil Henderson, FRMS
A student walks into the cafeteria and notices a sign for a fat-free school lunch. "Fat-free school lunch?" the student asks.
"That's right," the cafeteria worker replies. "We don't charge you for the fat."
- Cindy Gelfand, FRHS
A young wildebeest is working at his school desk and he keeps getting the feeling that someone is looking over his shoulder. He turns around and confronts the young animal sitting behind him, "Hey, stop copying my answers!"
"I can't help it," the animal replies, "I'm a cheetah."
- Donny Josephs, FRES
"I got kicked out of wood shop for saying what we were doing was boring," the boy tells the principal.
"Well, that's not a very nice thing to say," the principal says. "What were you doing in wood shop today?"
"Drilling holes!"
- Randy Blair, FRHS
"I'm sorry I was absent yesterday," says the student, "but there was this truck on Highway 7 yesterday morning and it was headed west toward Lake Minnetonka and the music was blaring really loud and it was loaded with fishing gear and soda pop and sandwiches and it was going really fast and...
"Wait a minute," interrupts the teacher. "What does this truck have to do with you missing school?"
"I was in it."
- Phil Toomer, FRES
The school secretary calls the new teacher into the office and proceeds to yell at her for over twenty minutes. The young teacher leaves the office in tears.
"What was that all about?" asks the principal.
"I stole her lunch out of the faculty lounge refrigerator yesterday," replies the secretary, "And it was awful."
- Gil Henderson, FRMS
A grilled cheese sandwich walks into the cafeteria and asks for a lunch. The cafeteria lady says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."
- Carl Garrity, FRHS
A student is struggling with a locker until the custodian comes by and opens it for him using the master key. "It's a good thing it was locked," says the custodian. "There's a lot of expensive stuff in there."
"Yeah, thanks," the student says. "Maybe later you can help me get my own locker open."
- Kari Hartfeld, FRMS
"That's it!" the teacher tells the student. "I'm calling your mother."
"Go ahead," says the student. "She'll never hear you from here."
- Tony Peres, FRES
A student is eating a candy bar and drinking a soda right in front of a hallway sign that says "NO FOOD OR DRINKS IN THE HALLS." A teacher confronts him, "Didn't you see that sign back there?!"
"Yeah," the student replies. "It's true.
I had to go all the way to the lunchroom for this stuff."
- Paul Schmidt, FRMS
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. The board discussed the concern that many of the districts' students are carrying backpacks every day that are just too heavy.
The American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons recommends that students not carry a backpack heavier than 15 percent of their body weight. A study conducted last week in the district's schools found that 7 in 10 students carried backpacks heavier than the recommendations. It is estimated that backpack weights have doubled in just the last ten years.
Central University Professor Claire Andrews, who conducted the survey, reported that students could injure their backs or have future medical problems if the trend continues. According to Andrews, "These students are simply carrying too much weight for their developing bodies - and they are carrying that weight every school day."
Seventh-graders were the worst. They carried backpacks weighing over 25 percent of their body weight. Fifth-graders carried a load that averaged 21 percent of their body weight. Sixth-graders carried over 23 percent of their body weight. The average weight of backpacks carried by high school students also surpassed the orthopedic surgeons' recommendations.
Professor Andrews suggested that the district purchase enough textbooks so students will be able to keep a set of books at home and have a set of books at school. The estimated cost of such book purchases is close to $600,000.
Board member Fred Furnley argued that the cost of the new textbooks was beyond the districts' reach. Furnley, however, presented an idea that could help students meet the American Academy of Orthopedic Surgeons' recommendations.
"If students are not supposed to carry a backpack heavier than 15 percent of their body weight, and we can't reduce the backpack weight, it seems to me that we should be working to increase the weights of the students. Look at some of these kids. They're just too doggone skinny."
"New research suggests that just one extra sweetened drink a day gives a child a 60 percent greater chance of becoming obese," Furnley argued. "Well, there you have it then. That's the solution to this backpack problem."
Furnley also outlined how making students heavier could also improve the financial standing of the district. He explained that the district brought in over $70,000 last year from beverage sales in the schools.
"If we were to double our beverage sales," Furnley offered, "and bulk up these children, we could easily double our profits."
Other board members expressed their interest in increasing vending sales in the schools. Some suggested expanding vending to include more candy, cookies, and chips. Board member Kathleen Tolsis recommended that the board reconsider school rules that ban food and drinks from the schools' hallways, classrooms, labs, and gymnasiums. "If we were to expand the places that children are allowed to eat and drink," Tolsis offered, "they would be more likely to do so."
"We also need to make vending machines more accessible to the students," added board member Vernice Vicklestone. " As it is now, students have to walk all the way to the cafeteria to get a snack or beverage. That's just too hard. And it burns calories. Perhaps we should place the machines throughout the hallways, and even in the classrooms."
The board expressed their gratitude for Professor Andrews' enlightening research, but she made an inappropriate comment and was escorted from the boardroom.
Discussions will continue on this matter at the next board meeting.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River School The board met this week to discuss the dire budget outlook for next year. In spite of record federal and state budget surpluses, the district finds itself with a $6.4 million budget shortfall. Federal support has failed to keep pace with rising special needs costs and the per-pupil funding formula agreed upon by the state legislature does not even keep up with the rate of inflation. This week the board reviewed the district's latest budget cuts.
Since state law mandates a maximum student to teacher ratio, no teaching positions will be eliminated. Cuts will be made to certified and support staff. At the high school, Ethel Ramsey will now serve as the office secretary and receptionist, the media center aide, the copy room aide, and she will be responsible for all of the AV and computer equipment. Last week, Ms. Ramsey was informed of her job change, and cards and flowers are still being accepted for her at the Fuddle River Regional Hospital. The board was informed today that Ms. Ramsey is feeling better and can now have visitors as long as they don't say the words "work," "budget," "high school," or "next year."
The classified support staff person at the middle school for next year will be Rosemary Francis. Ms. Francis is resting at home, and her family asks that no visitors call in the next few weeks unless they have a job offer for her from another school district.
The elementary school has eliminated all of their classified support positions for next year. Elementary principal Tolfson, however, has kindly volunteered to do all of the work previously done by the classified support staff whenever he is in the building. And he promised to try to be in the building "a lot more" next year.
Budget discussions will continue at the next board meeting. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular monthly meeting.
The board approved a plan to motivate students to pass the state tests. District students who pass the state reading and mathematics tests on their first tries will receive t-shirts that say "minimally competent." The board expressed their hope that students winning and proudly wearing the "minimally competent" t-shirts will motivate others to pass the tests and receive shirts of their own.
Board member Fred Furnley reported on the board's latest team-building retreat to Bumpy Mountain Resort and Ropes Course. Furnley stated that the weekend was a success, and that board members know each other better now than at any time in the past. Furnley added that he had taken a number of photographs on the trip, but that he preferred to keep them for future use.
Board member Ethel Beckel quickly offered Furnley $2000 for the photos. Board member Vernice Vicklestone then accused Beckel of having taken her wallet while on the retreat. "That's why she has all that money now," argued Vicklestone.
"Oh stop your complaining," replied Beckel. "That's all you did all week.
'I can't climb up there. I'm afraid of heights. Wah-wah-wah...'"
Board member Tom Timpton interrupted, "Well, at least she didn't make a fool of herself at the end of the weekend party. No wonder you're so interested in those photos..."
"Well at least I didn't get all misty and mushy about what a great board we are like quiet, little Phyllis sitting over there," Beckel responded. "That was ridiculous. I'd like to see a photo of that."
The board will meet in closed session next week to review Furnley's photos and plan its next team-building retreat.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board voted this week to approve the new district survey that will be sent to stakeholders throughout the Fuddle River area. The survey consisted of twenty-three pages of questions and space for respondents to write their answers to the questions. Questions included:
- How can the Fuddle River School District better meet the needs of its students?
- How can the Fuddle River Schools better meet your needs?
- If you were on the school board, what would be your highest priority?
"This is a great survey!" board member Fred Furnley asserted. "Even if only four people respond, we're covered. It takes us completely off the hook! For every decision we make, we can say that we're basing our decision on the survey results. Hey, we're only giving you what you told us you wanted!" Furnley concluded his comments with "Ah-hah-hah-hah!"
Board member Ethel Krumwalt responded with a "Schnck-ha! Schnck-ha! Schnck-ha-ha!"
Vernice Vicklestone, the board chair, added "Guunngha-gungh-gungha-ha-ha!
Board member Shirley Hanover interrupted Vicklestone with a "Tee-hee-hee-hee!" Board secretary Alice Ferkel added "Kah-ha-ha-kah!" She paused, thought, and then added "Kah-kah-ha-ha!"
Finally, board member Henry Gullickson wrapped up the discussion with "Chuh-huh-huh-huh!"
In other business, the board announced this week that they have hired Tom Schmieg to fill the role as "District Alarmist." Schmieg jumped right into his work, warning that his salary could bankrupt the district, that his office was contaminated with asbestos, and that he didn't like the look of the skin rash on his left arm. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met for its regular meeting this week. The board reported that the new media center at the middle school is finally finished. Board members expressed their satisfaction and their belief that the media center is a fine addition to the school.
The media center has space for over 10,000 books, 42 computers, 16 printers, 12 scanners, and a variety of other computer peripherals. The media center is wired for access to the Internet and to Fuddle River's new "intranet." A video production room and an audio sound lab are also included in the media center.
Unfortunately, due to construction cost overruns, the media center will be without books, computers, printers, scanners, peripherals, and video and audio equipment until the 2005-2006 budget year. In the meantime, the board encourages the middle school staff to make creative use of the new space.
In other business, the board reacted to news that district students scored exceptionally low on the civics portion of last year's National Assessment of Education Progress (NAEP).
"I find it appalling that students enjoying the privilege and honor of living in this great nation have little to no knowledge of the workings of its government," board member Fred Furnley asserted. "These NAEP scores need to improve. American citizens need to know civics, and students need to learn civics," Furnley continued. "We need to add more civics and government requirements to the curriculum. But that takes money, and we certainly don't seem to have a lot of that right now."
After a long discussion, the board agreed to write a request for more government spending on civics education. The board will compose a draft of a letter to the king next week.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to address community concerns regarding chemical and biological threats to safety and to report on the past week's incidents in the district.
On Monday, a suspicious white powder was discovered on the floor of the boys' locker room in the high school. Classes were canceled for the day and the school was evacuated. Five students and one teacher were quarantined. Later, all six underwent decontamination at the Fuddle River Medical Center and were released. The suspicious powder was later tested and determined to be foot powder.
On Tuesday, a suspicious white powder was discovered on a work surface in the cafeteria kitchen at the middle school. The County hazardous materials team was called in. Classes were canceled for the day and the school was evacuated. Four food service staff personnel were quarantined. Later, after all four underwent decontamination at the Fuddle River Medical Center, they were released. The suspicious powder was later tested and determined to be flour.
Also on Tuesday, a suspicious black powder was discovered on near the photocopy machine in the elementary school. The Fuddle River Fire department was called and the school was evacuated. Two teachers and the copy room aide were quarantined. The three underwent decontamination at the Fuddle River Medical Center and were later released. The suspicious powder was later tested and determined to be toner.
On Wednesday, a suspicious white powder was discovered on a donut in the high school's teachers' lounge. The County hazardous materials team was called in. Classes were canceled for the day and the school was evacuated. Six teachers were quarantined, and one complained of nausea. Later, after all six underwent decontamination at the Fuddle River Medical Center, they were released. The nausea apparently was caused by the school lunch served earlier in the day. The suspicious powder was later tested and determined to be powdered sugar.
On Thursday, a suspicious powder was discovered on the floor of the main hallway at the High School. The Fuddle River Fire Department responded. Classes were canceled for the day and the school was evacuated. The suspicious powder-like substance was later tested and determined to be Driez-All Powder Cleaner and Odor Remover. A custodian had spread the Driez-All after an unfortunate health incident involving a student who had consumed a school lunch.
Also on Thursday, a suspicious powder-like substance was discovered on the floor of the woodshop at the middle school. The Tri-County Haz-Mat Team responded. Classes were canceled for the day and the school was evacuated. Three students and a teacher were quarantined. Later, after all four underwent decontamination at the Fuddle River Medical Center, they were released. The suspicious powder-like substance was later tested and determined to be sawdust.
On Friday, a suspicious white powder was discovered on a blackboard eraser at the elementary school. The Fuddle River Fire Department was called. Classes were canceled for the day and the school was evacuated. A teacher, a classroom aide and 28 students were quarantined. Later, after decontamination at the Fuddle River Medical Center, they were released. The suspicious powder was later tested and determined to be chalk dust.
Also on Friday, a suspicious powder-like substance was discovered inside a pencil sharpener at the middle school. The County hazardous materials team was called in. Classes were canceled for the day and the school was evacuated. Fifteen students and a teacher were quarantined. Later, after all underwent decontamination at the Fuddle River Medical Center, they were released. The suspicious powder-like substance was later tested and determined to be pencil shavings.
The Fuddle River School District apologizes for any inconveniences the recent school closings have caused the community, but the board encourages the students and staff of Fuddle River Schools to continue their vigilance and to be on the lookout for suspicious powders or powder-like substances.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to hear from consultant Mike Pominco about his proposal for education reform and redesign. Pominco proposes that Fuddle River High School be split into four smaller schools. Pominco's proposal is based on two years of research within the district. Pominco recommends that the board move quickly on his proposal in order to qualify for an academic improvement and redesign grant from the Gates Foundation.
According to Pominco, smaller learning communities are better than the large and impersonal high schools that are far too common in American education today.
"In a smaller learning community," Pominco asserted, "students take more interest in their school. They experience a sense of belonging. They benefit from a more intimate setting in which their presence and their contributions are regularly acknowledged."
"Smaller schools are much more likely to succeed because they foster better relationships between students and adults," Pominco offered. "Imagine children able to have meaningful conversations with adults every day."
Pominco presented research that showed that academic achievement in small schools is at least equal and often better than that of large schools, that attendance is better at smaller schools, that there are fewer incidents of violence, and that students in small schools are less likely to drop out.
"But think about it this way," Pominco added. "Would you want your child to attend a large school where she can pass the day anonymously or would you rather your child be known by both students and staff and that her learning be monitored by those that can know her, can attend to her unique needs, and can care for her as a person?"
Pominco outlined his plan to divide the present high school into four distinct houses. Students and staff would spend their school day in their house. At first -out of necessity - the curriculum would become more standardized. But the smaller learning communities should provide greater ease in developing interdisciplinary units and unique educational focuses for each of the houses.
Board member Fred Furnley was the first to respond to Pominco's proposal. "Throughout your presentation, I've been taking notes. I'm not really sure what the heck you've been talking about, but I've noticed that you like to use certain terms over and over again. I think all this gobbledygook is really code for something else. In fact I'm sure it is."
"Did you know that if you rearrange the letters in the words 'learning communities' you get 'commies uniting learn?' 'Education reform' can be rearranged into 'I U for comrade net.' That's obviously some reference to some sort of communist Internet conspiracy. Take 'redesign,' and if you leave out an 'e,' you get 'sing red.' 'Four distinct houses' can be made into 'U sift in shoe duct,' but that must be code for something else."
"I think we're looking at some kind of communist plot you are trying to hatch here with the help of this school board. Even your name - "Mike Pominco" - if you rearrange the letters, you get 'Pinko Commie."
"I think you are just trying to mess with an American institution - and with our traditions," Furnley added. We love our big impersonal high schools. I graduated from one - well, just barely. But that's the beauty of it. I was anonymous. No one knew me or knew that I was failing half my classes, so there was no embarrassment. So don't come in here and mess with our American traditions, Mr. Pinko Commie."
The board voted to put off a decision on Pominco's proposal until after Furnley returns from his mental health assessment.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. High school principal Hugh Batson presented the high school's controversial plan to require that each ninth grade student have an Apple Macintosh iBook laptop computer. The Internet-ready iBooks would be used in each class and students would carry the laptops back and forth between school and home. Parents would be responsible for the purchase of the laptop computers for their children. One parent at the meeting responded with outrage that she would be expected to spend nearly $1200 to equip her child with an iBook. "Then, what do I pay taxes for?!" she exclaimed. Others worried that the iBooks would be lost, damaged, or stolen at the school. Some wondered aloud if the laptops would hold up well to the rough and tumble lifestyle of teenagers.
Principal Batson then offered a compromise. The school could adapt their current hardware and software so that each ninth-grader could then buy and use a Compaq Presario 700 Laptop. They sell, according to Batson, for around $900. Parents still resisted. "$900 for one school supply? What do I pay taxes for?!" an angry father yelled.
Batson then offered to change the requirement to the $200 Palm hand-held digital assistant. Parents still resisted. He offered to change the requirement to a Mead Trapper-Keeper, five notebooks, markers, a pen, and a pencil. The cost of these supplies would total close to $40. "$40?" a parent objected. "What, do you think we're made of money? What do we pay taxes for?"
Batson countered with a five-subject spiral notebook, a pen, and a pencil for about $12, but the parents still resisted. "We pay taxes!" one yelled. "What do we pay taxes for?"
After a short consultation with the board, Batson offered his final proposal. The parents applauded the proposal and the board unanimously approved it.
Starting next year, each ninth grade student will be expected to have two sheets of scratch paper and a golf pencil. The paper and golf pencils will be provided by the classroom teachers at school district expense. "That," Batson concluded, "is what you pay your taxes for."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. Last week, the eighth-graders at the middle school took the state basic standards test. A big pre-test breakfast and pep fest was organized by district administrators to energize the students to do well on these all-important tests. Passing the state basic standards tests is a prerequisite for high school graduation in our state, and those who do not pass the tests will have to take remedial classes throughout their high school years. In addition, the outcomes of the state tests are public information and the reputation of the school district depends on a good showing by our students.
Testing day started with a full breakfast of eggs, pancakes, fruit, and juice in the middle school cafeteria. The breakfast was followed by a pep fest in the middle school gymnasium. As the students arrived, each was given a free pencil to use on the tests. The board wishes to thank Evergreen Insurance Agency for the pencils. A student band, Norm and the Standard Deviants, played a lively introduction to the pep fest and students were greeted by Superintendent Gokey and members of the school board.
Dr. Gokey then gave a lively talk to encourage students to do their best on these important tests. He then did a long demonstration on the overhead projector showing how to fill in dots on the test answer sheets.
Unfortunately, several students in the top rows of the bleachers dozed off during Gokey's talk and fell forward, causing an avalanche of students that resulted in injuries to students sitting on the bottom row of the bleachers. Fourteen honor roll students, who were to be formally recognized at the pep fest, were taken by ambulance to Fuddle River Regional Hospital.
After the students all returned to their seats in the bleachers, the student band Incomplete Erasures played a lively tune while student council members did a test-taking demonstration using test sample questions.
At that point, it became clear that many of the students in the gymnasium were not feeling well. Middle school principal Arlene Marlene had the band stop playing, but it was not the music that was causing the illnesses. The county health department determined later that the pre-test breakfast was the cause of over 200 student cases of food-borne illness.
After many students were removed from the gymnasium and a quick clean up was completed, the student band Pencils Down played a rousing recessional as principal Marlene excused the students to their classrooms for the tests.
Just then it was determined that the free pencils given to the students were not #2 pencils - they were #4 pencils. Marks made with #4 pencils cannot be read accurately by state test scoring machines. A near riot ensued when building teachers and administrators tried to confiscate the pencils from the students. Again, the board wishes to thank Evergreen Insurance Agency for the pencils.
Eventually, and with only minor injuries and less than twenty arrests, order was restored. Except for the students who were arrested, and those who had been hospitalized for avalanche injuries, and those who had been excused because of food poisoning, and those being treated for pencil riot-related injuries, all the eighth-graders completed the tests in their classrooms.
The state released early results from the test this week, and for some reason, the scores for our district have not been encouraging. The board is at a loss to explain the disappointing results and they will meet next week to determine how they can hold the middle school teachers accountable for the low test scores.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. Members began the meeting with a discussion of the latest state test results. The board was particularly interested in the fact that 73% of those students receiving free or reduced price lunches failed both the reading and math tests.
"What in the world are we feeding these kids?" Board member Fred Furnley demanded. "Eighty-two percent of the kids eating regular lunch passed both tests! I think it's time to really hold our food service personnel accountable for those low test scores."
The board will meet with the district director of nutritional services at its next board meeting.
The board discussed the recent melee at the district spelling bee competition. Several students and parents were arrested after a fight broke out during the competition. According to eyewitness accounts, one parent became enraged over the way the spelling bee pronouncer was pronouncing the words. She believed that the pronouncer was purposefully mispronouncing words for some contestants and pronouncing perfectly for others. She was charged with assault for striking three of the spelling bee judges.
"I've got a few words to pronounce at you!" the woman reportedly shouted before she charged the judge's table.
Other disgruntled parents then joined in the fracas and it took over 30 minutes to restore order.
The contest pronouncer escaped injury, but was visibly shaken by the incident. "That woman!" she recounted. "The invectives! The vituperation! Would you like me to use those words in a sentence for you?"
Board member Vernice Vicklestone lamented the current state of affairs. "This is just another example of spelling bee parents getting out of control," she stated. "Short of eliminating the contest, I don't know what to do about 'word rage.' I do know that it's going to be harder and harder to find judges for these contests in the future. I know I wouldn't want to be a spelling bee judge - not after ours were attacked by a large woman with an unabridged dictionary."
There were also reports of trouble at the district's geography bee competition. Apparently, one angry parent nearly blinded a judge with a laser pointer, and several parents charged the judges with folded maps, threatening paper cuts. Districts throughout the state have reported other cases of "map rage".
Board members, noting that they have already heard rumors of possible trouble at the district science fair, voted to allocate additional funds for security at district academic competitions. The board considered impaneling a committee of parents to look into the problems, but declined to do so in fear of parents who may be dealing with "left-off-the-committee rage."
On a more positive note, the board concluded the meeting with a discussion of positive reinforcement for students. In the past, it has been the tradition for each school to fete a "student of the month." Many have complained that the program only allows nine students to be honored a year at each school. The board considered expanding the program to "students of the month," but it was decided that honored students should have their very own time in the spotlight and that the honor should remain singular.
With that in mind the board voted to institute a "student of the minute" program. Each school will be expected to select a student of the minute for each minute of each school day. Theoretically, then, each student in the district will have a chance to shine in the spotlight. "This is a great idea," boasted board member Ethel Beckel. "Now each and every child can be honored - and for a whole minute!"
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. The board voted to approve the school calendar for next year. Classes will begin on September 3rd and end on June 12th.
The board also voted to consider a number of special days and special weeks proposed by Fuddle River's teachers. In the past, special days and weeks were set by administrators from the district office. This year, in the spirit of collaborative management, the board asked the teachers to propose special days and weeks of their own. The teachers' list includes the following:
"Be On Time Day"
"Do Your Classwork Day"
"Do Your Homework Day"
"Sit in Your Desk and Be Quiet Day"
"No Running in the Halls Day"
"Bring a Pencil to Class Week"
"Keep Your Hands to Yourself Week"
"Find Your Notebook and Folder Week"
"Tell the Truth Day"
"Stop the Nonsense Week"
"Stop Teasing Timmy Perkins Week"
"Don't Throw Things in Class Week"
"No Dirty Looks Day"
"Because I Said So Day"
"Don't Even Think About it Week"
"Erase Those Words on Your Desk Day"
"Bring the Teacher a Gift Day"
"Contribute to Your Teachers' 403b Day"
"Everybody Stay Home and Give the Teacher a Break Day"
The board will consider the teachers' proposals at its next regularly scheduled meeting. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for the regular monthly meeting.
After hearing from concerned teachers from the middle school, the board voted to cancel the elementary school graduation ceremony. In the past, elementary school faculty had hosted an event in the district auditorium in which all of the students wore caps and gowns and were handed diploma scrolls. The graduation had become such an event that some parents had even ordered limousines and hosted extravagant parties for the graduates.
The board voted to cancel the ceremony because members felt that the graduation had sent the wrong message to the students. Many students had mistakenly formed the conclusion that the graduation meant that they were done with school, and every fall a team of middle school truant officers spend months convincing the would-be sixth-graders that they still have more schooling to do.
The annual budget cutting work continues. The board approved the new start times for all of Fuddle River's schools. The new start times will allow the district to save substantially on transportation costs. The district will now be using only one bus and only two drivers.
Elementary start times will be 3:10 A.M. for Kindergarten and first grade, 4:10 A.M. for second and third grade, and 5:10 A.M. for fourth and fifth grades. Middle school students will start at 9:15, 10:15, and 11:15 in the evening and will be released in the early morning hours.
High school start times will all be in the late afternoon and students will be released shortly after midnight. Board member Fred Furnley pointed out the positive side of these necessary budgetary moves, "Little kids like to get up early and those middle and high school kids like to stay up late. So, this schedule is great. It works with all the different biological clocks."
The board discussed the cost of the move to the newly constructed Fuddle River District Office. Of particular concern was the cost of moving paperwork to the new office. After some discussion, the board voted to hire twenty former Arthur Anderson employees to do two weeks worth of shredding to make the move easier. Board members get first pick at choosing which documents will be shredded. "And," added Board member Ethel Beckel, "We can use some of that shredded paper to pack up all the breakables."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The school board met this week for its regular meeting. Fuddle River Schools attorney Richard Gebstach attended this week's meeting to discuss playground liability issues with the board.
According to Gebstach, the board has exposed itself to liability for a number of potential playground lawsuits. Last year, following Gebstach's advice, the board removed all of the playground equipment from the elementary school. The board acted out of fear that a child would fall off a swing or a slide and sue the district.
At this week's meeting, Gebstach warned that allowing children to play ball games and running games could also expose the district to numerous lawsuits. Kickball was cited as the number one concern at this time. The game involves kicking, running, catching, and throwing a large ball.
"Do you know that the kids throw the ball at baserunners to get them out?" Gebstach asked. "Do you have any idea how dangerous that can be? Never mind the kid who gets hit in the face with the ball, think about the stress that puts on the thrower's rotator cuff and shoulder joint. We're not just talking about a few bloody noses here. We're talking big-money lawsuits for debilitating long-term shoulder injuries that require physical therapy."
"Yes, but let's not forget the kids who do get hit with a thrown ball," interrupted board member Fred Furnley. "I know firsthand. And some of those kids could really throw the ball. Jeremy Fingers hit me once so hard in second grade that I swallowed my loose tooth."
Gebstach also shared his concerns about another game.
"And what about this game they call 'tag?' Do you know that there are kids running every which way on the playground attempting to catch and touch another against his/her will? Forget about the risk of physical injuries - which are substantial - think about the harassment issues. Not only the tagging, but being 'it.'"
"I hear you," interrupted Furnley again. "I was not a very agile young boy and I remember playing 'tag' in the third grade. I was 'it' and that was an incredibly demeaning experience for me. Because I was 'it,' I had to chase around the playground and try to touch someone else to make him 'it,' and I couldn't. I was 'it' for a very long time. Those were the most distressing six weeks of my life."
"Jump ropes are another issue," Gebstach cautioned. "The ropes themselves are troublesome. I'm sure there have been injuries of those jumping and those just walking nearby."
"Absolutely," Fred Furnley added. "I was just walking by some rope-jumpers in fifth grade and got hit in the head with the rope. Both my eyeglasses and my dental retainer ended up on the roof of the lunchroom. Boy, did I ever get teased about that..."
"My greatest concern," Gebstach continued, "is over the rhymes that these rope-jumpers chant as they jump. Have you heard some of these things? 'Cinderella, dressed in yella, went upstairs to kiss a 'fella.' What is that? That's a sexual harassment lawsuit just waiting to happen."
Gebstach concluded with his recommendation that all ball games, all running games, all jumping, and all rhyming games be prohibited on the district's playgrounds. Board member Furnley enthusiastically endorsed the recommendation.
The board will vote next week on the playground issue and will discuss whether quiet talk and reading should be allowed on the playgrounds. Gebstach will present a list of playground reading materials for children that are not legally actionable.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss funding for the new high school outdoor athletic center.
Several members of the board are in favor of a plan to sell the naming rights for the new fields to a local corporation for $200,000. The board has been in negotiations with the corporation for the last several months. The $200,000 would pay for scoreboards and stands for the $2.5 million outdoor athletic center. The corporation, an importer of gag gifts and novelties, would name the athletic center Stinky-Poo® Park.
Last spring, Major League Baseball's Houston Astros changed the name of their ballpark from Enron® Field to Minute Maid® Park. Minute Maid® paid $100 million for the naming rights for 30 years. Recently a high school in Illinois sold the naming rights for their field to Rust-Oleum® for $100,000.
Board member Helen Dotson argued that selling naming rights for a contribution of only 8% of the total cost of the complex was ludicrous. "If we're giving credit by naming the place after those who paid for it, then it should be called 'Fuddle River Homeowner's Field.' Property taxpayers paid for this fine athletic center and they should be credited - not some corporation that chips in at the last minute and gets to plaster their name all over the place."
Board member Fred Furnley responded. "Look, we need the scoreboards and we need the bleachers. How are we going to pay for that otherwise? We all know this project came in over budget. Without selling the naming rights, we'd have to go back to the taxpayers for the $200,000. Do we want to do that? Heck, if the taxpayers want to pony up the $200,000, I'd be willing to name it 'Taxpayer Park.'"
"But, what about selling out?" Dotson countered. "We have a responsibility to the community to protect our students from blatant commercialism. The message we are sending is that everything is for sale. Why not sell naming rights right in the halls of the school? Why not make everything for sale, and then our students can be assaulted by commercialism in their very classrooms?"
"Now you're talking." Furnley replied. "And that is exactly what I've been looking into. We all know we are facing a $10 million budget shortfall for next year, and I've made some contacts in the business community that might just help us out of that mess."
"From what I've learned, we can sell naming rights for classrooms for at least $100,000. We can sell the name of the cafeteria for $300,000. And here's the beauty part: we can sell the name of each teacher for $100,000. That ends up being a lot of money. And all it takes is some time to get used to the new names. How hard is it for a kid to say that he has science in the Speedy-Quik Lube® lab with Mr. TranCo Mortgage and Appraisal® third period? The kids will love it. They can even eat lunch in the Gas-Be-Gone® Cafeteria. The money will come rolling in."
"You've lost your mind Furnley," Helen Dotson interrupted. "There is no way we can sell out like that. Have you no conscience? What kind of a message are you sending our students?"
"Did you know, Helen, that I can get $50,000 just for your name?" Furley asked. "I can. As a matter of fact, if you'd be willing to go as 'Board Member Rite-Clean Janitorial®,' we could pay for our annual school board retreat to someplace really nice." And if I was willing to go as 'Board Member Septic Sucker Service®,' we could go on two school board retreats this year."
"Fred," Dotson replied, " I would be willing to pay $50,000 if you'd change your name to 'Board Member Septic Sucker Service®.'"
The board will continue their funding discussions at the next board meeting. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. After reviewing district, school, and classroom budgets for this school year, and after taking into account their own pay freeze for this year, many teachers in the district have found that they must revise the school supplies lists that they sent home with students last spring. The teachers have found that district and school budgets will not allow for regular school maintenance work and needed classroom supplies.
The following Fuddle River teachers want to revise the school supply lists for their students as follows:
Ms. Genzel's 2nd Grade
Each student will need to bring:
1 ream of copy paper
1 box of 24 crayons
1 pair of scissors
4 glue sticks
6 pencils
1 desk
1 chair
Mr. Nalma's 6th Grade
Each student will need to bring:
2 reams of copy paper
6 pencils
1 4x8 sheet of wallboard
5 gallons taping compound
1 gallon interior primer
1 gallon flat white interior paint
Ms. Martin's
Elementary Art Class
Each student will need to bring:
1 ream of construction paper
6 glue sticks
2 sets tempera paints
1 set watercolor paints
1 easel
60 lb. modeling clay
Ms. Jensen's 7th Grade
Computer Class
Each student will need to bring:
2 reams of white paper
4 black inkjet cartridges (HP 23)
4 color inkjet cartridges (HP16)
2 laser printer cartridges (HP5L)
1 licensed electrician to help wire the lab
Mr. Parker's 8th Grade
Social Studies Class
Each student will need to bring:
1 ream of white paper
6 pencils
1 HVAC contractor to help fix the heater
Ms. Hennesey's 9th Grade
Physical Education Class
Each student will need to bring:
2 basketballs
2 soccer balls
2 volleyballs
1 roofing contractor to help repair the gymnasium roof
Ms. Nolan's 10th Grade
Biology Class
Each student will need to bring:
1 ream of notebook paper
6 pencils
6 live flatworms
1 amoeba
1 live frog
Mr. Clark's 11th Grade
Chemistry Class
Each student will need to bring:
1 ream of white paper
6 pencils
2 graduated cylinders
2 beakers
6 test tubes
1 tank of LP gas
40 lb. chemicals
Mr. Griffin's High School
Driver Education Class
Each student will need to bring:
2 quarts of 10-30 motor oil
10 gallons of unleaded gasoline
2 replacement wiper blades
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss a proposal to improve academic performance throughout the district. Board member Fred Furnley, who has been conducting a thorough review of recent research on cognitive functioning, presented the proposal for consideration by the entire board.
Furnley cited a recent study done by the University of Florida that suggests that schools offering high-calorie lunches on days when standardized exams are administered do better on the tests than schools serving healthier lunches on those days.
The research, according to Furnley, showed that a 110-calorie bump over the regular lunch menu in some schools increased state test passing scores by 11 percent in math, 6 percent in English and 6 percent in social studies over schools offering lower-calorie menus on the same days.
Furnley added that earlier studies have shown that the quick energy boost that comes from consuming empty calories has given students a short-term cognitive advantage.
"There you have it," said Furnley.
"My plan is to really push junk food in our school cafeterias and to encourage the students to super-size their meals. If we can only get the students to eat worse, their academic achievement could go through the roof."
The board, snacking on whole wheat crackers and drinking mineral water, discussed Furnley's proposal at some length and were on the verge of approving the proposal until a bag of M&M's and a box of Hostess Twinkies were passed around the table. Board members then reversed themselves, voted down the proposal, and ripped into Furnley for his callous disregard of the health of Fuddle River students.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. The first issue for discussion was teachers' workloads in the district. District teachers have been complaining about the number of non-teaching duties that have been slowly added to their workloads over the years. Administrators have been hearing from teachers all throughout the district that the amount of work required of teachers outside of teaching and teaching preparation is at unbearable levels.
Teachers complain that - in addition to their regular teaching duties - they are expected to be at multiple meetings every week. There are meetings for individual learning plans, and for professional development. There are team meetings, site council meetings, and committee meetings. Teachers are expected to do grant writing, special assessment testing, file mid-term reports and report cards, enter data for the Office of Civil Rights, write monthly curriculum maps, attend staff development meetings and workshops, maintain classroom and team web sites, publish classroom and team newsletters, meet with students and parents, and coordinate special school-wide activities like history day, geography bee, spelling bee, and the science fair.
"The district is stressing performance this year," one teacher offered. "But, what kind of performance are we after? Do we want the performance to be the task-completion of a million different duties, or do we want the performance to be improved learning in the district? With all these extra meetings and extra work, we end up with less time to prepare for our most important duties - teaching the students and assessing their work. How in the world are we supposed to improve learning and raise test scores when all of this extra stuff takes us away from the most important parts of our jobs?"
Board member Fred Furnley offered a proposal to deal with the workload issues. "First of all, we need to know if this is a district-wide problem or just the reaction of a few complainers. What we should do first is get a group of teachers to design a survey. Then we survey all of the teachers. We use the survey results to plan special building meetings to discuss the survey results and to brainstorm some ways to alleviate the problems. Then we divide up the teachers into teams to research and report on each of the different ideas to deal with the problem. Their results are presented at building meetings and then teachers implement the proposals and keep daily journals and daily rubrics for two months. During those two months, we revisit the solutions at weekly meetings. We also have outside consultants visit the buildings to conduct multiple interviews with each teacher during preparation times. At the end of the two months, teams prepare reports based on the journals and rubrics. The consultants also prepare reports. Then the reports are presented at a meeting, another survey is drawn up and conducted and then another meeting…"
"Do you realize," board member Heather Finkel interrupted, "that your proposal creates an entirely new amount of non-teaching work, non-teaching meetings, and non-teaching paperwork to address the problem of too much work, too many meetings, and too much paperwork?"
"Exactly," stated Furnley. "That's the beauty of my proposal. The teachers won't go for it - they'll resist the whole thing - and the entire issue will be set aside for another couple of years!"
At that point the board erupted into a spontaneous celebration. Coffee and cookies flew into the air. Board members lifted Furnley over their heads and carried him around the room chanting his name. Teachers and parents who were present at the meeting fled the room as board members voted to approve Furnley's proposal and then did a wild "uh-huh" dance on the board room table.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met for its regular meeting this week. Traditionally the Fuddle River School District would be celebrating the annual Winterfest this week. However, due to temperatures averaging twenty degrees above average and the lack of snow in the area, Winterfest has been cancelled for the third consecutive year in a row.
The past few mild winters have left many wondering if Fuddle River students have any understanding what a real winter would be like in the Fuddle River Valley. The board, believing that real winters build character and make people hardy, has taken steps to make sure that the real winter experience is not lost.
Funds set aside for the Winterfest are now being spent to create a district-wide simulation of winter for all Fuddle River students. The board approved measures to create a two-month long winter experience that will include the following:
- Artificial frost will be sprayed on all school windows.
- White potato flakes will be dropped from the roof of district buildings so students in classrooms can see it snow at least once each day through March.
- Truckloads of white packing peanuts will be dumped on cars in the high school student parking lot so students can experience digging out their cars.
- School buses will be occasionally late as bus drivers take turns over the next few weeks safely simulating sliding on icy roads and getting stuck in snow drifts.
- Yogurt will be spilled inside the entrances of all schools so students will be able to slip and slide their way into the hallways.
- Food service personnel will build mashed potato snowmen on school grounds and will replace them as they are toppled by winter fun-loving students.
- The office paper shredder will be used to make drifts in the elementary school hallways.
- Parent volunteers will pour crushed ice down the backs of students on the elementary playground during recesses.
- A Hostess Sno Ball ® fight will occur every Wednesday outside the middle school.
- Students' jackets and boots will be kept in the walk-in freezer at the middle school so students can experience a cold walk home.
- Firefighters from the Fuddle River Regional Airport will foam the hill on the elementary playground for sledding.
- High school students will be flocked each day as they leave the building.
- An industrial adhesive will be sprayed on the elementary school flagpole and chain link fences so students can still experience getting their tongues stuck.
The board invites the community to share in the wonders of our simulated winter. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met for its regular meeting this week. A special part of this week's meeting was the annual awards presentation to honor Fuddle River teachers and students. A number of district awards were announced. Award winners had been nominated by teachers and students and a community committee made the final award decisions.
The award for Facilitating Achievement To Help Eliminate Adolescent Defiance is sponsored by Fuddle River Trustworthy Hardware. This year's FATHEAD award winner is Melvin Peachman at the middle school.
The award for Students Taking Unusual Paths In Development, sponsored by the River Valley Dairy Store, goes to Timmy Helbein at the high school. This is the second year Timmy has been a STUPID winner.
Fuddle River Bank and Trust sponsors the award for Differentially Understanding New Content Effectively. This year's DUNCE award winner is Amy Treagle at the high school.
Nancy Duncan at the high school won this year's award for Nurturing Intelligent Teens With Innovative Techniques. Ms. Duncan shared that she has tried for years to win this honor. The award is sponsored by Melvin's Auto Body and Repair. Ms. Duncan's family was on hand to share her excitement as this year's NITWIT award winner.
David Sanborg at the high school has worked for a number of years to train his students to work productively in groups. He is this year's winner of the award for Developing Organizational Learning Teams. This is the second time Mr. Sanborg has won the DOLT award.
Finally, the winner of the Students Learning Outside Time Horizons award that is sponsored by Jenkin's Family Restaurant was Phillip Kramer at the middle school. The community committee felt that, even though this is the first time Phillip has won the honor, they always thought of him as SLOTH material.
Each award winner was given a commemorative plaque, a gift certificate from the sponsor, and a t-shirt proudly identifying each with the acronym of their award.
Nominations for next year's FATHEAD, STUPID, DUNCE, NITWIT, DOLT, and SLOTH awards are now being accepted at the district office.
In other school district business, the board announced drastic budget cuts to the custodial staff at each school building. In light of the cuts, teachers and administrators voiced concerns about the fate of their buildings. The board did approve funding to see that the buildings are well maintained in the absence of the custodial staff. The board approved funding for the following:
- District students will wear Swiffer ® dust cloths on their shoes on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. They will wear Swiffer ® wet cloths on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
- A pocketful of Dryzall ® odor remover and liquid absorber for each student.
- Two extra trash bags per student.
- A rag and a spray can of vandalism mark remover for each student.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to continue discussions on the current teacher shortage in the district. The district has lost over a dozen teachers since the school year started in August.
"The biggest problem is that we're losing the teachers we have," board member Shirley Hanover said last month. "We have to do more than just recruit new teachers."
Many on the board were convinced that the loss of teachers is due to the demanding working conditions in the district. According to a recent poll, more than 70% of the teachers said they were dissatisfied with their jobs and 90% of those identified non-teaching duties, distractions, and large class sizes as the main reasons.
Despite the survey, building administrators were at a loss to explain why the district is losing teachers. The high school alone has lost six teachers this year. At last month's meeting, the board asked building principals to investigate the loss of faculty members.
High school principal Hugh Batson was happy to announce at this week's meeting that he found all of his lost teachers. A search of the high school turned up four of the missing teachers in the teachers' lounge. Two more were found hiding in the storage closet in the art room.
At the middle school, the three lost teachers were all found in the school's media center, in front of a computer, waiting for a web page to load. And the five lost elementary school teachers were found on the playground. They claimed that they never heard the bell and didn't know it was time to come in.
The board praised the principals for their fine investigative work.
In other business, the board voted to increase class sizes and approved a new paperwork regimen for district teachers.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
The board held their annual school joke contest this month and reported that another collection of horrible jokes were submitted. For the seventh year in a row, the board refused to name a winner. However, among the poorly crafted and barely understandable attempts at humor, the board selected the following for dishonorable mention:
A kid walks into a classroom and tells the teacher that he can't stay for the math test because of a family emergency.
"What's the emergency?" the teacher asks.
"Someone in my family," the student replies, "is about to fail a math test."
- Fran Fredericks, FRMS
A kid runs into a classroom and the teacher yells at her to stop running.
"If I can't run, can I skip?" the student asks.
"Yes," the teacher replies.
So the kid goes home.
- Dustin Kramer, FRES
A duck walks into a classroom and tells the teacher, "I promise not to talk at all during class today. Just give me piece of tape."
"A piece of tape? On my classroom budget?" the teacher says. "I'll have to charge you for it."
"Just put it on my bill," the duck replies.
- Annie Urbanek, FRES
A kid walks into a classroom and goes tearing around the room, throwing things and knocking over desks.
"What are you doing?" the teacher asks.
"I'm trying to get sent out of this stupid class," the student tells her.
"Wait!" the teacher yells, running around the room, throwing things. "Save some desks for me!"
- Andrew Corbusier, FRHS
A grilled cheese sandwich walks into the classroom, asks for a worksheet, and the teacher says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food in here."
- Carol Garrity, FRHS
A horse walks into a classroom and the teacher says, "Hey, why the long face?"
- Donnie Josephs, FRES
A kid walks into a classroom late and starts talking into a cell phone.
"That's it!" The teacher yells. "I'm calling your mother right now!"
"Go ahead," the student says, holding up the phone. "I'll take the message for her."
- Rebecca Sontag, FRMS
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a classroom and start looking around.
"Can I help you?" the teacher asks.
"Yes," the rabbi replies. "Did you see a golf ball roll in here?"
- Bill Freeson, FRHS
A tree walks into a classroom and tells the teacher to mark him absent.
"I can't mark you absent," the teacher argues. "You're here now."
"Yeah," the tree replies, "But it's spring and I have to leave."
- Lorena Lagunes, FRES
A kid walks into a classroom wearing a Velcro sweater and jumps up and sticks himself to the bulletin board.
"What are you doing?!" the teacher demands.
"You said," the kid tells her, "that you wanted me to apply myself."
- Monique Jackson, FRES
A frog hops into a classroom and tells the teacher why he will be unable to do any class work.
"I don't care if you are angry," the teacher tells him. "You will do work in class today."
"I didn't say I was angry," the frog tells her. "I said I was pithed."
- Gunther Johansen, FRHS
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting. This week the board offered their annual apologies to the stakeholders of the Fuddle River School District.
The board apologized for promoting "Spirits Week" at the high school when they meant to promote "Spirit Week." The board apologized for all of the students suspended and arrested for bringing and/or consuming spirits to honor their school.
The board apologized for confusing "abstinent" with "absent" when publishing the list of students who had not been absent all year.
The board apologized for the article in the local paper about budget cuts with the photo of three slightly overweight district employees entitled "Cutting the Fat."
The board apologized for the confusion that resulted in all five of the district's representatives to the state geography bee getting lost on the way to the competition.
The board apologized for the drug awareness speaker who told students that all rope is made out of hemp, and to middle school physical education department for what happened to their ropes course.
The board apologized for omitting the letter "B" in flyers and posters for the month-long foodservice campaign "No One Can Beat a School Lunch."
The board apologized for moving too quickly to implement what they understood to be the "No Child Left Behinds Act," and the board apologized for ordering the removal of the left sides of seats on all of the student desks in the district. The board also apologized for the substantial costs involved in purchasing replacement desks.
Once again, the board apologized for having to apologize so much and also issued a blanket apology for failing to apologize for other items that may have escaped its annual apology review.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week and began discussion on a controversial proposal by board member Fred Furnley concerning the creation of a district nuclear weapons program.
According to Furnley, as a legitimate unit of government, the development of a nuclear weapons program will enable the district some leverage in negotiating with the United States government for improved educational funding.
Furnley cited North Korea as an example of the successful use of such a strategy.
According to Furnley, teachers could push missile technology as student topics for the science fair this year, and district students could earn community service hours by processing yellowcake from Niger into weapons grade uranium in the old FACS room.
Furnley suggested that the opening salvo in the campaign could be the testing of a long-range missile over a neighboring school district.
"Well, we have to grab their attention, don't we?" Furnley asked.
"Look," Furnley concluded, "What we want is simple. We want enough money to fix our leaky roofs, to replace our broken windows, to secure access to clean and safe drinking water, and to install furnaces that actually work. We want enough money to update our technology so that we are at least at the level of, say, Burundi.
"We want enough operating funds to keep class sizes below sixty students," Furnley continued. "We want buses for students who live more than five miles from school, and we want to provide school lunches that are nutritious or palatable - and either would work for us. That shows just how reasonable we are."
The board will continue their discussion of Furnley's proposal at the next board meeting.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
FIRST DAY TEACHER TIPS
"I like to plan a field trip on the first day of school. And since none of my students have a signed permission slip, I usually get to go by myself."
- Dave Golfespie, FRMS
"I tell the students that all of their work for the quarter is due on the second day of school. That way, I have nine weeks to assess their work and get my grades in on time."
- Konni Walker, FRHS
"I don't usually teach anything on the first day of school. I like to observe the students to see how they interact without any adult intervention. Every year is a little different, but it usually ends up looking a lot like Lord of the Flies."
- Kate Dolan, FRMS
"I have the students fill out long questionnaires about themselves so that I can get to know them right off the bat. It usually takes up the entire first class and I end up with a lot of personal information that I can use later to blackmail the students into behaving themselves."
- Donald St. Sears, FRHS
"I give a pretest the first day of school. The test is designed to show the students how little they know and how much they have to learn. It's supposed to motivate them, but some just become quietly embittered."
- Tim Wayne, FRMS
"On the first day of school, each of my students gets one peremptory challenge. That way, each student can request the removal of a student from class without having to give a reason. I send the rejected students down to the office. The administrators hate when I do this, but the students seem to like it and it really helps to keep my class size down."
- John Saxon, FRHS
"I start the first day by telling my students a little bit about myself. I explain that my therapist says that I have a lot of rage. I explain that my cardiologist wants me to express my anger rather than bottle it up. Then I give each of the students a list of the classroom behaviors that make me angry."
- Gil Johnson, FRHS
"Someone once told me that a teacher should not smile in class until Christmas time. I don't agree. I smile a lot in class. Actually, I smile the most on the first day, and even at inappropriate times. It really seems to creep out the students, but I sure feel good at the end of the day!"
- Amy Holman, FRMS
"I spend most of the first day going over the classroom rules. We read the rules, we do some worksheets about the rules, we play a game with the rules, we do some role plays involving situations around the rules, and then we take a test on the rules. Then we do the same thing the next day, and the next day, and the next day, and the day after that. The second week is the same as the first week, and so are the third and fourth weeks. After a solid month of these activities, the students all behave themselves because they don't even want to hear the word 'rule' again."
- Mike Preston, FRMS
"I like to use the first day to hold a memorial service for the end of summer. We write and recite long, unhappy poems about our loss of sun, fun, and freedom, and we sing some really sad songs. It's kind of depressing, but if we don't deal with the loss right away, it usually comes back to haunt us some time in October."
- Mary Lacy, FRES
"We usually play a game in class on the first day of school. It helps the students to realize that this is a fun and safe learning environment. It doesn't really matter what games you play, but don't try 'Bombardment,' 'Three Step Kill,' 'Water Gun Assassin,' or 'Slap Me If I'm Wrong.' Those are games that, for some reason, just didn't work out."
- Nancy Lamberton, FRES
"We usually spend the first day of school filling out lots of forms from the school and district offices. I complain about it and the students complain about it, but we get all of the stupid forms filled out and turned in. I then use our common disdain for paperwork and administrative mandates to build an alliance with the students against the school and district administration. Having common enemies really helps us to bond and to build a supportive and nurturing classroom environment."
- Esther Krumwinkle, FRMS
"I like to start the school year with a party. I bring lots of healthy snacks and drinks, we play games, we have an extended recess, and we watch a movie. And, while the children enjoy themselves, I get the whole day to plan my lessons for the first week."
- Fran Perkins, FRES
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss a controversial proposal by board member Fred Furnley.
Furnley proposed that the district refuse to accept Title I funds from the federal government. Presently, Title I funds comprise 8% of the district's operating funds. The strings attached to those funds include the regulations of the No Child Left Behind Act.
"Look," Furnley argued, "'No Child Left Behind' is ridiculous. The idea that we can somehow force every child to make 'Adequate Yearly Progress' is insane. Most kids will do it. Almost all of the kids will do it. But, is there a chance that one or two kids in a school will not do it? Absolutely. They're not machines. We're dealing with humans here. That's what makes this job so darn difficult. So if one student doesn't make 'Adequate Yearly Progress,' the sanctions begin. First, the school gets labeled as 'Needing Improvement' - even if 99.9% of the students are doing great - then we have to allow students to transfer, then we'll have to pay for tutors, and then pay for training, and then maybe even reconstitute the school. All because of one or two students. I say forget it. We can help those one or two students on our own without all those silly rules. As far as I'm concerned, the feds can keep their money. I want nothing to do with them."
Furnley then reported that he had met with reclusive local millionaire Hugh Howards, and that Howards would be willing to replace the missing federal funding with an annual grant.
"Howards?" board member Shirley Hanover interrupted. "Is that the guy with all the cats?"
"Yes," Furnley replied. "He does have several hundred cats. And he takes very good care of them. In fact he brought a number of them here one time for a board meeting."
"I remember that," Hanover replied. "That was the time I kept finding hairs in my coffee and cookies."
"Wait a minute," board member Tom Thompkins interrupted. "Isn't Howards the guy who only talks through a sock on his hand?"
"Yes, he likes to talk through his sock puppet."
"It wasn't a puppet. It was his sock. I saw him take if off his left foot."
"Sock, sock puppet, what does it matter?" Furnley asked. "This man is willing to replace those strings-attached federal funds with funds of his own. He only wants a little input about how we do things here.
"So, let me get this straight," Shirley Hanover ventured. "We're considering refusing all of our federal money because of the insane regulations attached to those funds. Instead, we're going to take private money and direction from an incredibly rich and unpredictably insane old man."
"Yes. That's it." Furnley replied.
"Well, I think that's a great idea." Hanover concluded. "I love it. No one person can be as insane as the federal government. Let's vote. I'm ready to vote now. I just have to get this sock on my hand…"
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to review the middle school's Helper Monkey Initiative. With an $800,000 grant from the Primate Foundation, the middle school was able to provide 120 helper monkeys to the school.
"We were concerned about the students who were just not being successful in school," said initiative director Carol Longstone. "These are students who never carry a pencil or their planner. They leave their books in their locker, they don't do their homework, and they are off-task in class. These are students who, though they may be passing, are just not working and learning to their potential."
Each of the 120 helper monkeys was assigned to a specific student and each lived in the student's home. Each helper monkey was to make sure that the student got to class on time, had the needed materials for each class, stayed on task, kept track of assignments, and did the homework.
"It worked like magic the first three weeks," said Longstone. "The kids were excited to have their own monkeys and the monkeys did a great job keeping the kids on task and on the ball. Grades went up and there were fewer classroom disruptions."
"But, in retrospect, perhaps it was too much to ask these little monkeys to live as middle schoolers," Longstone continued. As the weeks went by we found we had more and more monkey trouble. We had monkeys who listened to CD's during class. We had monkeys who dressed inappropriately. We had monkeys who were always tardy and we had monkeys who were truant. We had monkeys who were disrespectful and disruptive, and the monkeys wandering the hallways during class time were anything but helpful. Twenty-five monkeys were suspended and twelve were unaccounted for.
Longstone reported that the Primate Institute was concerned about the helper monkeys and considered revoking the grant and pulling the monkeys from the school, but that the foundation instead reassigned the recalcitrant monkeys to the middle school teachers. The monkeys were to help teachers complete their mundane non-teaching duties.
"At first, that worked well too," reported Longstone. "The monkeys were very trainable. Before long the teachers had the monkeys grading papers, filling out paperwork, calling parents, and leading small group discussions. But then it began to unravel. Monkeys broke into the district server and wreaked havoc. Monkeys were caught smoking in the faculty parking lot, and the monkeys took over the teachers' lounge for daily gripe sessions. It just didn't work out."
An exasperated Longstone then recommended removing the monkeys and returning the remaining $200,000 to the Primate Institute.
The board agreed that the helper monkeys had to be moved, but members were hesitant to return any grant monies. Instead, the board voted unanimously to reassign the helper monkeys to the human resources and payroll departments at the district office. "That's perfect," offered board member Fred Furnley. "What could they mess up there?"
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to discuss the recent successful fundraisers that have been held in the district.
Leading the district in fundraising this year is the high school's French club. Club members recently raised funds for their annual trip to Quebec City to practice their use of the French language. Students raised over $150,000 for the $12,000 trip by taking orders from area senior citizens for cheaper prescription drugs from Canada. The students and chaperones were stopped at the international border and held for several days, but they were eventually able to deliver the drugs. It was a win-win. Senior citizens saved thousands of dollars on their prescription medications, and after legal costs, the French club netted just over $60,000.
The Fuddle River High School Marching Band raised $20,000 selling bootleg CD-ROMs of music illegally downloaded on the Internet.
The high school culinary club raised over $12,000 at their annual vegetarian barbecue in August. Due to a shortage of soy products, the students had to use all-beef burgers, hotdogs, and ribs. Customers praised the fare, suggesting that the food all tasted like the "real stuff." Sales at the event set a new record, and only 45 angry calls were logged at the district office. That too set a district record for the fewest complaints after a botched food event.
The Fuddle River Middle School Wrestling Club offered protection to area pre-teens for as little as $10.00 a day during the month of September. The wrestlers walked contributing students home from school and protected them from harm for the entire month. Unprotected students made several reports early in the month about things like scissor-holds, half-Nelsons, and death-grips, but those complaints seemed to die out as the fundraiser picked up momentum. The wrestlers raised just over $1600 for new wrestling mats.
The high school drama club collected over $6000 in legal settlements for faked accidents in the Fuddle River area.
The high school hockey team raked lawns to raise money this fall. Over 400 area homeowners hired the team to take care of their leaves. Armed with rakes instead of hockey sticks, the pucksters made quick work of the lawns. Over $800 was raised with only a few reported incidents of cross-checking, slashing, and high-raking.
The middle school choir performed at the Fuddle River Valley Mall in September, doing rousing renditions of songs like "The Wheels on the Bus," "B-I-N-G-O," and "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" until they collected the $2000 they set as their fundraising goal. The choir would like to thank all the area shoppers who paid to stop the singing.
The district chess club raised over $600 at their annual Orthodontia Party. Guests who paid $30 could enjoy a party of candy, caramels, taffy, popcorn, bubble gum, and other foods banned by their orthodontists. Afterward, each guest was given a certificate of confidentiality and treated to a full cleaning by a licensed, professional oral hygienist.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regular meeting and discussed a number of items.
Board members expressed their distress that a large number of Fuddle River students are not reading and doing math at grade level. Board members discussed at great length the possible negative consequences for the district when next month's state tests reveal this information. After a good deal of discussion, the board voted unanimously to temporarily reassign all students to the grade at which each is currently performing.
"I'm sure this will be awkward for a while," stated board member Fred Furnley. "And, of course, the lower grade class sizes will be huge, but we promise to move all the students back after the state tests. Look, if we're careful, and we do this right, we'll be the only district in the state with 100% of our kids performing at or above grade level."
Middle school media specialist Nancy Fogel reported that the school book fair was a wonderful success. In fact, she reported, the book was sold in the first hour of the fair. For next year, the school is considering expanding the event into a "books fair."
Delbert Hinkley, the district superintendent of buildings and grounds, inspected graffiti on various district buildings and reported that district scores on the upcoming national writing test should be improving this year.
"We're seeing a lot more subject-verb agreement, a lot fewer sentence fragments, and more accurate use of conjunctions," reported Hinkley. "In fact, punctuation overall seems to have improved. The writing is more thoughtful too. It's hard to believe that some of the stuff we're painting over is first drafts. We're seeing some incredibly creative work from our students. I'm predicting a 10% rise in scores this year."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. This week Fuddle River Middle School principal Les Dorgan reported to the board about the Casino Day recently held at the middle school.
The day was an innovative way to reward students for good behavior. For a number of weeks, middle school students were rewarded with casino chips if the staff and faculty "caught them being good." Some students were so well-behaved that they amassed great piles of chips in the days leading up to the event. The students were excited about the opportunity to gamble with their chips at the casino set up in the school media center, and to cash in their chips for prizes. But a week before the event, Principal Dorgan found that the school was unable to afford to purchase prizes for the event, and was unwilling to again ask the community for donations
Instead, Dorgan left it up to the teachers to find a way to make sure that each student lost all of his or her chips before the end of the day. Math teachers in the building spent the final three days leading up to Casino Day confusing their students about probabilities, odds, and averages. Language arts teachers taught gambling vocabulary in a way designed to completely confound the students when they played the games.
Teams of other dedicated teachers worked after school to load dice, rig the roulette wheels, and learn how to deal blackjack from the bottom of the deck.
The students really seemed to enjoy the day of gambling, even though the odds that they did not understand were overwhelmingly stacked against them.
In the end, the house prevailed and all of the students lost all of their chips. Dorgan declared the day a great success and added that plans are already underway for rewarding more chips and holding another Casino Day next month.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greeting from Fuddle River Schools. The Board met this week for its regular meeting. The board expressed concern about the district's activity fund being $458,000 in the red at this point of the year.
In the past the district has taken a lot of heat from the community for under-observing special months and special days. This year the board made a special effort to observe as many of the occasions as possible. District Assistant Superintendent Heather Mohler purchased a copy of Chase's Calendar of Events, and began scheduling and organizing observances of special months and special days throughout the district.
In September, the district celebrated Better Breakfast Month, International Square Dance Month, National Chicken Month, National Courtesy Month, National Honey Month, National Mind Mapping Month, National Rice Month, and National Papaya Month. September also included observances of Skyscraper Day, Be Late for Something Day, Fight Procrastination Day, National Date Nut Bread Day, and National Cream-filled Donut Day.
The month of October featured National Pickled Pepper Month, National Popcorn Popping Month, National Seafood Month, National Kitchen and Bath Month, Vegetarian Awareness Month, Pizza Month, National Apple Month, Virus Appreciation Day, National Frappe Day, Moldy Cheese Day, International Moment of Frustration Scream Day, National Grouch Day, National Chocolate Day and National Candy Corn Day.
November was a busy month as well, with school district observances of Peanut Butter Lovers Month, National Deviled Egg Day, Marooned Without a Compass Day, National Pizza With the Works Except Anchovies Day, National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day, Have a Bad Day Day, World Hello Day, Use Even If the Seal Is Broken Day, and Pins and Needles Day.
December was a short month due to the winter break, but time was still dedicated to Hi Neighbor Month, National Fritters Day, Wear Brown Shoes Day, National Gazpacho Day, National Chocolate-Covered Anything Day, Look At the Bright Side Day, and National Flashlight Day.
January has already included observances of National Fiber Focus Month, Oatmeal Month, Prune Breakfast Month, Run It Up the Flagpole and See if Anyone Salutes It Day, Humiliation Day, Peculiar People Day, National Step in a Puddle and Splash Your Friend Day, Blame Someone Else Day, and Measure Your Feet Day.
The board expressed concerns that spending on occasions in the first part of the year may preclude the observance of some honored and well-established occasions the rest of the year.
"I know," Mohler offered. "I'm just sick to death worried that we won't be able to do something for Return Carts to the Supermarket Month and for Rotten Sneaker Day."
Board member Fred Furnley was incensed at the amount spent on the observances.
"For goodness sakes, couldn't we have combined some of these days? Why not run a deviled egg up the flagpole and see who salutes it? And why isn't Moldy Cheese Day the same day as National Clean Out Your Refrigerator Day? We have to keep the moldy cheese around for an entire month before it gets tossed?"
"I'm sorry that Pins and Needles Day was in November," Furnley continued, "because you should be on pins and needles right now, Ms. Mohler. You should be wondering whether or not you still have a job. Is there a National Fire the Incompetent Administrator Day? This is a serious misuse of district funds. We've gone from under-observing occasions to some kind of sick form of over-observing. You, Ms. Mohler, should seriously consider stepping down from your position."
"Well, I could resign, Mr. Furnley," Mohler offered. "After all, February 16th is Do a Grouch a Favor Day. But I don't want to resign. This job is just too much fun. Although, if you insist on letting me go, I guess you could do it on March 26th. That's Make Up Your Own Holiday Day, so that could work. And April 13th is Blame Somebody Else Day, so suppose that would be appropriate. But I would hope that you'd hold off until May. That's Revise Your Work Schedule Month and Better Sleep Month, and if I get fired I would definitely revise my work schedule and I could get lots of extra sleep. And then I'd have time to enjoy the rest of Fungal Infection Awareness Month on my own, and that's one of my favorites."
The board will continue its discussion at its next meeting on February 11th - Don't Cry Over Spilt Milk Day. And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week for its regularly scheduled meeting. The board has received a number of complaints about the new grade reporting software purchased earlier this year. Last quarter, teachers used the software for the first time. The software allows teachers to enter a grade and a number of comments for each student on a classroom computer.
Parents were generally pleased that the new program substantially shortens the time span between the end of the quarter and when parents receive the report cards, but many parents were upset about the comments they found on their children's report cards. It appears that there is some glitch in the grade reporting software.
"My son was described as a 'hall-running, class-skipping, vandalizing, back-talking, rule-breaking, peer-teasing, gesture-making, head-slapper,'" complained one parent. "Now, that may be true, but do I have to read it on his report card?"
"I don't like the fact that it now says in her permanent record that my daughter is a 'gum-snapping, back-talking, hair-brushing, peer-hurting, narcissising note-passer,'" complained anther parent. "And what the heck does 'narcissising' mean? Is that even a word?"
"How would you like to read on a report card that your son is a 'paper-throwing, leg-bouncing, pencil-tapping glue-eater?'" asked another parent. "I'd ask my son if it was true, but he has trouble focusing."
One parent was happy with the new comments. "I'd like to think that it's true that my daughter is a 'teacher-pleasing, book-reading, homework-doing, project-making test-passer.' Maybe there really isn't anything wrong with the software."
"Oh, there's something wrong with the software if it says that my son is a 'late-arriving, paper-throwing, gum-sticking, book-defacing, seat-swapping gas-passer,'" argued another parent. "My son is never tardy."
Board member Fred Furnley explained that the grade reporting software contract was awarded to DataMuck Corporation last fall.
"This is what we get when we go with the lowest bidder," complained Furnley. "I have called and called DataMuck for weeks and I must say I am quite dissatisfied with both their customer service and technical support departments. They are just a bunch of smooth-talking, contract-breaking, call-dodging, buck-passing, excuse-making, refund-deniers. But they will make this right, or they will find themselves in court."
In the meantime, the board agreed that the schools should go back to the old grade reporting system. Teachers will fill in bubble sheets that will be fed individually into the district scanner, and address labels will have to be applied by hand. The process will delay getting the reports out by more than ten days.
"That's okay with me," one parent responded. "My son may be a desk-sleeping, worksheet losing, pencil-needing day-dreamer, but… oh, never mind. I forgot what I was going to say."
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Dear Parents:
It is time, once again, to celebrate the achievements of our top students at Fuddle River Middle School. But since some parents complained last quarter that their children may have been ridiculed for not making the list, we consulted with the district's legal department. Our attorneys warned us that current state privacy laws forbid releasing any academic information, good or bad, without permission.
In fact, we were told that even posting students' work could violate privacy laws and that having public spelling bee competitions could also be seen as a violation of privacy. Our school and our district are determined to protect the privacy rights of our students.
At the same time, we are determined to continue to our traditional celebrations of the achievements of our hard-working students.
So, In order to avoid potential lawsuits and to save both the time and the money involved in securing permission from the parents of each honor roll student, we have decided to publish the honor roll list without using any student names. We are sure that most students on the list will be able to find their description below and point it out to their parents. Congratulations to all of you for all of your hard work last quarter!
Mildred Bartleston, Principal
Fuddle River Middle School
Fuddle River Middle School's Second Quarter Honor Roll:
The girl with the curly hair
The boy who does that eyelid thing
The girl who got sick in science
The girl who did the fundraiser
The boy who wears that one shirt
Those three loud-talking blonde girls
The boy who always flirts
The girl whose locker is by math
The boy with that one pair of shoes
The girl with the ruby-colored hair
The boy who always wears black
The girl with the braces
The girl who does that loud sigh
The boy who runs in the halls
The girl who snaps her gum in history
The boy who can make that one sound
The boy who sleeps a lot
The boy who burps loudly
The girl who lost her cell phone
The boy who is often tardy
The girl who did her report on Bronte
The boy who does those drawings
The boy who tears up papers in class
The girl who always brushes her hair
The girl who still tattles
The girl who doesn't like group work
The boy who eats paper
The boy who likes World War II stuff
The three girls who giggle in math
The girl with the really short hair
The boy who's always online
The girl who says "lol"
The boy who eats glue
The girl who lives close to school
The girl with that attitude
The boy who throws stuff
The girl with all the make-up
The girl with the fake hall pass
Congratulations to All!
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to approve funds for new district curriculum materials. Proposals were carefully scrutinized in this extremely tight budget year.
A number of mathematics teachers requested that the district adopt the Everyday Math program, but the board found the price of the program to be too high. The board instead voted to go with a cheaper program, Every Other Day Math.
History Alive was promoted by social studies teachers as the best program to reach diverse learners with a variety of learning styles, but again the price was too high. The board approved the less expensive History Unconscious curriculum.
Accelerated Reader has been used for years in the district, but since the district license was up for renewal, the board looked at the costs and instead approved a one-year contract for the Occasional Reader program.
Language arts teachers pushed for the Language! literacy program, but the board could only afford the Languid! program. The teachers also wanted to receive training in Great Books and Junior Great Books, but the approved the cheaper programs, Good Books, and Pretty Good Books.
The Renaissance Science curriculum was also deemed too expensive, and despite protest from the district's science teachers, the board approved the less expensive Earth, Air, Fire, and Water science curriculum.
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.
Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to finalize budget cuts for next year.
In order to eliminate faculty positions and, at the same time, raise funds to preserve faculty positions for the coming school year, the district has decided to retain teachers based on the results of a staff lottery. The district will eliminate 40 teaching jobs and each teacher who wants to keep his/her job must buy at least one FRS lottery ticket to have a chance. The drawing will be held on May 30th at the district offices. Lottery tickets will sell for $2500 each. The district hopes to raise enough to save at least eight teaching positions. Remember teachers, you can't keep your job if you don't win. And you can't win if you don't enter!
In a related budget move, the board agreed to eliminate all varsity sports. A number of parents and community members were quite upset about this unfortunate financial decision, but the board is happy to announce that high school students can still earn a varsity letter by working part-time for free at one of a number of area businesses. The business will, in turn, donate the pay the student would have earned to the Fuddle River School District. This is a true win-win-win for the schools, the businesses, and the students.
Students, sign up now to attend the Fuddle River High School Job Fair. There will be opportunities to letter in cashiering, burger-flipping, oil-changing, floor-mopping, copy-making, coffee-pouring, and more!
And that's it this week from Fuddle River Schools.