Fuddle River Schools Greetings from Fuddle River Schools. The board met this week to finalize budget cuts for next year. In order to eliminate faculty positions and, at the same time, raise funds to preserve faculty positions for the coming school year, the district has decided to retain teachers based on the results of a staff lottery. The district will eliminate 40 teaching jobs and each teacher who wants to keep his/her job must buy at least one FRS lottery ticket to have a chance. The drawing will be held on May 30th at the district offices. Lottery tickets will sell for $2500 each. The district hopes to raise enough to save at least eight teaching positions. Remember teachers, you can’t keep your job if you don’t win. And you can’t win if you don’t enter! In a related budget move, the board agreed to eliminate all varsity sports. A number of parents and community members were quite upset about this unfortunate financial decision, but the board is happy to announce that high school students can still earn a varsity letter by working part-time for free at one of a number of area businesses. The business will, in turn, donate the pay the student would have earned to the Fuddle River School District. This is a true win-win-win for the schools, the businesses, and the students. Students, sign up now to attend the Fuddle River High School Job Fair. There will be opportunities to letter in cashiering, burger-flipping, oil-changing, floor-mopping, copy-making, coffee-pouring, and more! And that’s it this week from Fuddle River Schools. The List Top Ten Ways to Reduce Student Tardies 10. Hallways that automatically roll up when the bell rings 9. Like maximum security prison doors, locker doors all slam shut and lock at the same time 8. Drinking fountains dispense potable water only during passing time 7. Large, dangerous-looking, street sweeping machines that clear the halls of debris right after the bell rings 6. Bartleby the Green Dinosaur hugs each tardy student for a photograph 5. A three-minute time limit in restroom stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm sounds, the toilet paper roll retracts into the wall, the stall door automatically opens, and a mechanical arm physically removes the student from the restroom 4. Barry Manilow and Yanni mood music for passing time 3. Tardy students have to enter the classroom through the ductwork 2. A brigade of mothers who embarrassingly dote on students in the hall 1. Border Collies The List More New Movies About School Ella Encharted In a bid to regain control of her life, Ella goes on a quest to free herself from the horrible spot she has been assigned on the third period seating chart. Grill Bill Vol. 2 In this sequel, Bill is questioned yet again about the false fire alarms, the blue dye on his hand, and the missing school master key. Hallboy Raised as a force of good, Hallboy grows up to be a full-fledged hall demon who never has a hall pass. Mystic Quiver A group of middle school students are overcome by their fascination with the mysterious and magical effects of vibration on school lunch food. The Girl’s Next Chore High school senior Mike falls in love with the beautiful girl next door until he is shocked to find out that she once lived on a farm and actually did work to help her family. Ladychillers An eccentric student-turned-criminal-mastermind plans to commit a heist of the state test questions without being thwarted by the actions two seemingly-innocent little old lady substitute teachers. The Alamost Phillip Gonzalez scores a 59% on his third try to pass his Texas history test. He again mistakes Santa Anna for Santa Claus, Sam for Whitney Houston, James for David Bowie, and Davy Crockett for Roger Clemens. Walking Hall The Vawn family moves back to town and Chris returns to his old hometown high school to make a new life for himself, only to discover that the school administration has clamped down on hall passes. Chris vows to change things. He puts his life and his permanent record in jeopardy, but he refuses to back down until the halls once again feel like home. Tome on the Range Sophomore Ashley visits the school library and checks out the largest and most expensive history book ever written. Then she accidentally leaves it on the stove as she prepares a delicious dinner for herself. Man on Choir A former government operative reluctantly agrees to take a teaching job to protect a middle school choir from budget cuts. When the choir is eliminated, his musically creative rage is unleashed as song after song pours from his tiny little pitch pipe. 13 Going on 130 13-year-old Genna wishes to be older and her dream comes true. Unfortunately, she becomes a 130-year-old middle school teacher who cannot afford to retire due to a failed pension program and the poor performance of her mutual funds. Braindon and Dimmy When the class is told to read silently on their own … Braindon opens the novel he is currently reading and jumps right in. Dimmy looks for a desk that has plenty of graffiti for him to read. When given a test to complete by the end of the period … Braindon answers all of the questions quickly and accurately and then goes back to check each answer. Dimmy waits until there is only five minutes left in the period and then asks the teacher if he can borrow a pencil. When given homework that is due tomorrow … Braindon thinks, “If I sit down and work on this right when I get home, I bet I can have it done before dinner.” Dimmy thinks, “If I do this right away, and then a tornado comes, all my hard work could just get blown away.” When asked to watch a video in class … Braindon takes notes so he doesn’t miss any important information. Dimmy straps on a Breathe-Right®, pulls down his sleep mask, and leans back. When told that there is a field trip tomorrow … Braindon thinks, “I’ll have to bring my digital video camera so I can record the entire educational experience for later review.” Dimmy thinks, “I’ll have to bring some soda, a bunch of candy, sunflower seeds, a squirt gun, and my slingshot.” When told that a guest speaker will be visiting … Braindon thinks, “I’ll have to do some research so I can prepare interesting and informed questions for the speaker.” Dimmy thinks, “I might need my slingshot that day too ...” The List Top Ten Worst Ways to Assess Your Teaching This Year 10. For the first time since September, check your voicemail for messages from parents. 9. Read all of the things students have written about you on the classroom desks. 8. Read all of the things students have written about you in the classroom textbooks. 7. Ask your principal for a list of 284 ways you can improve your teaching. 6. Teach a lesson to your colleagues during lunch and ask for feedback. 5. Conduct a late night telephone poll of your students’ parents. 4. Confiscate and read the notes students pass to look for any mention of you and/or your teaching methods. 3. Interpret every failed test and every incomplete assignment as an indictment of you and your pedagogy. 2. Ask your students why they like movies, television, and video games more than they like your class. 1. Check to see what students have done to your photograph in their school yearbooks. The List Twenty Things to Savor Missing Over the Summer 20. Morning Announcements 19. Before-School Meetings 18. After-School Meetings 17. School Picture Day 16. Spending Your Own Money 15. Planning for a Substitute 14. Recovering from a Substitute 13. Faculty Restroom Facilities 12. Doing Fundraisers 11. Taking Attendance 10. Making Copies 9. The Faculty Lounge 8. Picking Papers up off the Floor 7. Loaning Pencils 6. State Tests 5. Official Paperwork 4. Winter Fire Drills 3. Disciplining Other People’s Kids 2. Washing Desks 1. Ten-Minute Lunches